|
We find ourselves following a VAMP that's driving down a
common country road. The Vamp passes a roadsign that
reads : "Welcome to Springfield ! Population : None of your
damn business."
The VAMP enters what appears to be a small, average American
town, like you find all over the United States. After a few minutes
driving, the vehicle pulls up to a rather large baseball field.
Clutch and General Hawk step out.
General Hawk : I have a bad feeling about this.....
Clutch : We're ripping of Star Wars lines now ?
General Hawk : Shhht ! You wanna get us sued ?
Clutch : And that's from "The Simpsons" . Is there ANY original material
in this year's FLAGGS at all ?
General Hawk : Not as such, no.....
All of a sudden, the ground begins shaking. The baseball field and everything
around it splits in two. From the huge opening in the ground, a Terrordrome
arises. But it seems.... Different.
A large, double door opens, right in front of Hawk and Clutch. Two
Crimson Guards step out and take up guarding positions.
CG : Right through here, gentlemen. You're the last people to arrive !
Clutch : Then why was the Terrordrome lowered ?
CG : Dramatic effect....
Clutch and Hawk enter the terrordrome, and find it's been totally gutted
of any known Cobra equipment. The entire base has been transformed
into a giant amphitheatre.
About 3/4th of the circle-formed Terrordrome is taken up by the audience.
We see hordes of Cobra Troops, most of the Joes , a lot of greenshirts and
masses of fans . The rest of the Drome is occupied by a large stage
that has two alluminated fights of stairs on it, and a "MambaVison" (TM) giant
screen above it. On the screen, we see the text :
The 2002
FLAGGS
Celebrating 20 years of the Real American Hero !
The house lights dim, and the stage light comes on.
ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome
to the third annual FLAGGS award show ! Here are your hosts : COBRA
COMMANDER and GENERAL HAWK !
Cobra commander walks on , waving to the audience.
CC : Good evening Joeheadsss and Snakelingsss ! Fans and guest
celebraties !
ANNOUNCER (quickly) : Guest Celebraties impersonated.
CC : Like every year, it's a great pleasure to be here ! Like every year,
I look forward to Cobra beating the Joes where- and whenever possible !
CC : Now, I was supposed to have a co-host, but he seems to be....
Just then General Hawk, still stuffing his tuxedo shirt into his pants, runs on.
HAWK : (panting) We were late....Sorry..... Directions you gave.... Didn't
say what State this Springfield was in.....
CC : Oh..... Terrible oversight that.... Must have a word with our information
departement.
HAWK : Right.... And I see you're keeping up the tradition of being the host
again !
CC : It was in my contract ! Cobra supplied the location, along with a very
well-stocked bar and an after-party ! So I get to host again !
HAWK : After party ? You mean that bag of nachos and those two bottles
of Cobra Cola in the back ?
CC : I..... Well..... The bar was expensive enough, OK. I mean between
Cabanajack and Timmer, they.....
HAWK : Anyway, 2002 was a busy year for us ! New toys, repaints, comic
books, TV ads... You name it, we had it ! And most toys ever for any Joe-year !
CC : Yesss.... So there was plenty to vote for this year !
HAWK : And let's see who took the time to fill out that humdinger of a ballot
this year ! Here are the people who voted !
The "Mambavision"(TM) screen goes blank for a second and then reads :
KennyD
Prozac
Tim Frankovich
Sidewinder
Brian McCabe
Eleavitt2000
Dave
Jeremy Watts (Satan)
Peter D Smith (Deadshot)
Phaylon (Snake-Eyes01)
Joegirl
Takedown
Jon S
Sentimental Zombie
Ravnos
Beav
Daniel Alexander
Dasaffe
Wowboy
Scramble
Divine Shockwave
Kowalski
Hooper_X
seaN
Alex A
Rock-Viper
Batdan
Stu (tmbggeek)
Phillip Donnely
Lurker
Phillip Powers (BgDdyPhil)
Patrick (Notpicard) Steward
Zedhatch
Marijn (Toystorerecords)
Nils Meyes (extantsrevenge)
Bryan Segal (Bull)
Troy Xavier
John Missal
General Hawk
Lady K
Dzirhan
Sicko
Sharpshot
Darkhawk
Joe Harris
Chris J
Ann G
Bill Leach
Anonymous
The85boy
Marc de Ruiter
Mike Taber
Karl (Sledge)
Robin
Macdowin
Rockhammer
Hector Delgado
Anonymous
Diana M
Cabanajack
Timmer
CC : 61 people !!!
HAWK : That's amazing ! Almost double as much as last year !
CC : Well, that's what you get for opening the voting up to the
entire fandom.....
HAWK : I'm very curious how this has affected all the votes ! Sooo.....
CC : Time to get things started !
HAWK : Here come the awards in the CARTOON category ! This year,
hosted by Lady J and Destro !
The opening theme to the cartoon plays, as LJ and Destro descend down
the stairs....
DESTRO : COUSIN !!!!
LJ : COUSIN !!!
Destro and LJ hug....
CC : What the... !?
DESTRO : Well, my dear Cobra Commander, you must remember, we ARE
related !
CC : Huh ?
LJ : Remember when I went to a family reunion ?
The commander just stares blankly....
DESTRO : I was also there ?
CC : Guh ?
LJ : We raised an horrible beast ?
CC : Doesn't ring a bell....
DESTRO : You later tried to use it to kill Serpentor !
CC : Oh, yeah...... That giant monster....
LJ : I thought it was a smallish one-eyed octopus thingy.....
DESTRO : Depends on how the light hits it.....
LJ : Anyway, let's get things rolling ! It's my pleasure to present the
FIRST award of the evening !
The "Emmy" award for best single episode ever !
1 - "20 Questions"
1 - "Cold Slither"
1 - "Computer Complications"
1 - "Eau De Cobra"
1 - "Flint's Vacation"
1 - "Gray Hairs and growing pains"
1 - "Lasers in the Night"
1 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra !"
1 - "Money To Burn"
1 - "Nightmare Assault"
1 - "Red Rocket's Glare"
1 - "The Funhouse"
1 - "The Gamesmaster"
1 - "The Greenhouse Effect"
1 - "The Wrong Stuff"
2 - "Cobra Stops The World"
2 - "Countdown For Zartan"
2 - "Excalibur"
2 - "Memories of Mara"
2 - "Once Upon A Joe"
3 - "Raise the Flagg"
3 - "Sink The Montana"
8 - "The Viper is Coming"
"Twenty Questions. As someone who actually works in the TV news business,
the spoofing of network newsmagazine shows hit pretty much dead on."
- Hooper_X
"Memories of Mara. Liked the idea of a forbidden type of love with a mermaid,
plus gave us a good characterization of Shipwreck (other than a smart mouth)"
- Zedhatch
"The Gamesmaster (Gotta love the Baroness in a Bikini)"
- Rock-Viper
DESTRO : Ah yes.... Cobra is nearly defeated by a crusty old
window washer..... Not our finest hour.....
LJ : Murphy's law taken to the extreme.....
AUDIENCE : BOOOOO !!!!
LJ : All right already, X-nay on the Xtreme-ey.....
Destro : Now, let's see how bad bad can get !
The "Comic Book Guy" award for WORST episode EVER !
1 - "Bazooka Saw A Sea Serpent"
1 - Cobra Claws Are coming To Town"
1 - "El Dorado"
1 - "Glamour Girls"
1 - "Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep"
1 - "Jungle Trap"
1 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra"
1 - "Pigskin Commandoes"
1 - "The Invaders"
1 - "The Gods Below"
1 - "The Right Stuff"
2 - "Cold Slither"
2 - "Iceberg Goes South"
2 - "Primordial Plot"
2 - "The Gamesmaster"
2 - "The Spy Who Rooked Me"
2 - "The Viper Is Coming"
6 - "Kindergarten Commandoes"
""Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep" Yuck. Not only does Cross-Country
beat Storm Shadow, but he's trying to defend country music.
That's something great to put on your resume if applying to
the Dreadnoks, but otherwise..."
- Sidewinder
"Kindergarten Commandos. I've never even SEEN the episode, but I hate it
purely by reputation..."
- General Hawk
""Kindergarten Commandoes. Although, after teaching for five years,
I can see how children make an effective fighting unit. Often in terms of sheer
annoyance. "
- Diana M
And from the "I... can't... pick... just... ONE pile :
"Anything with Serpentor - This I command is waaay too cheesy "
- Wowboy
"anything with the Eco-warriors in it (sorry they all pretty much blew) "
- Bryan Segal
"write all DIC episode titles on separate pieces of paper, throw them in
a hat, and draw one out"
- Darkhawk
"Anything DiC"
- Lady K/ Dzirhan
"All of them"
- Lurker
LJ : Ouch !
DESTRO : Can't please everybody !
LJ : Oh well, at least there's no such thing as GIJoe - Starring Adam Sandler.
The "Could have been worse" award for worst Sunbow episode ever !
1 - "My Favorite Things"
1 - "Cold Slither"
1 - "The Germ"
1 - "The Invaders"
1 - "Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep"
1 - "Operation Mind Menace"
1 - "Let's Play Soldier"
1 - "The MASS Device, part 1"
1 - Cobra Claws Are Coming To Town"
1 - "Skeletons in the Closet"
1 - "The right stuff"
1 - "Grey Hairs And Growing Pains"
1 - "The Gamesmaster"
1 - "The Spy Who Rooked Me"
2 - "The Phantom Brigade"
3 - "The Viper Is Coming"
3 - "Bazooka Saw A Sea Serpent"
5 - "Iceberg Goes South"
"TheViper Is Coming, BBQ is such an idiot"
- Alex A
"The Phantom Brigade. Ghosts.....bad."
- Brian McCabe
"Iceberg Goes South (I think was the title) What the hell were they thinking
when they turned Iceberg into an animal! Goodness!"
- Macdowin
"Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent. Dumb as a Rock Joe + Stupid Cobra metal
dragon = 22 minutes of dead brain cells..."
- General Hawk
DESTRO : One could say Iceberg had a WHALE of a time !
LJ : With puns like that, you're gonna be killing our ratings....
DESTRO : We don't GET ratings....
The "So good, they needed two" award for best two-parter !
2 - "Captives Of Cobra"
2 - "Synthoid Conspiracy"
6 - "The Traitor"
7 - "There's No Place Like Springfield"
20 - "Worlds Without End"
"There's No Place Like Springfield (just because everyone else will say
Worlds Without End)"
- Phillip Donnely
"This was an excellent episode from any angle. Well written, with intrigue,
features a rare reference to previous episodes, and makes Shipwreck the
deepest character we get to know. And when hes standing by as the house of
the dreams he didnt know he had burns down, theres a touching moment as
he reflects upon his life."
- Scramble ( on "There's No Place Like Springfield -ed)
"The two CGI commercials from this year :-)"
- John Missal
"Worlds Without End. Seeing the skeletongs of the Joes was both cool and freaked me out as a kid. It added something to know they could die, even if it was alternate versions of them."
- Brian McCabe (Normally, I edit spelling errors, but this one was too funny -ed)
"Worlds Without End. The only episode that I remember seeing that had a
cobra woman wearing a thong. It may have just been a color error,
but it was cool none the less."
- Macdowin (Especially cause of this entry, you people are obsessed -ed)
DESTRO : Thongs ?
LJ : I......have no response to that.... Let's..... just hurry it along
LJ shudders....
The "Double Trouble" award for worst two-parter !
1 - "The Traitor"
1 - "Victory at Volcania"
1 - "The Synthoid Conspiracy"
1 - "The Sludge Factor"
2 - "There's No Place Like Springfield
2 - "Worlds Without End"
2 - "The Greatest Evil"
3 - "Happy Birthday Rock 'n Roll"
6 - "Captives of Cobra"
"The raising of the Flagg and Cobra Air ship"
- Peter D Smith (That wasn't a two-parter -ed)
"Captives of Cobra: The moment Spirit's elderly uncle shot down a state of the art Cobra plane with his rifle, made this episode "shine". :/ "
- General Hawk
"All the two parters are pretty cool."
- Dasaffe
"Were there any?"
- Alex A
"Captives Of Cobra. If my nephew pulled a rifle on me I'd a shot his
little orphan ass"
- CabanaJack
LJ : Who is this "Cabanajack" ?
DESTRO : I don't know, but Zartan wanted me to give him a Dreadnok
sign-up form.....
LJ : Oh, no ! Nobody is signing up in our universe unless they have some
unclear connection to Snake-Eyes !
The "TV movie of the year" award for Best mini series !
1 - "GIJoe -The Movie"
5 - "Arise, Serpentor, Arise"
6 - "The Pyramid Of Darkness"
9 - "The Revenge Of Cobra"
21 - "The MASS Device"
"Roots"
- Cabanajack (ha...ha...ha... -ed)
"Arise! Serpentor Arise! You how he was nude when he woke up?
Too bad we never saw Pythona being Arisen!"
- Macdowin
"G.I. Joe Vs. the M.A.S.S. Device. Clearly this will win, and I'm glad.
Nostalgia holds no sway over my vote here, this was the most solid
presentation of GI Joe in five parts there was to be had. Revenge Of
Cobra was a copycat of this (while still good), Pyramid Of Darkness
was just too silly to comprehend (fatal fluffies) and...you get the point."
- Sidewinder
DESTRO : It did pave the way for things to come !
LJ : Duke got captured.....
DESTRO : I usurped command of Cobra.....
LJ : Arena of sports.....
DESTRO : Scantily clad slave girls.....
LJ : Ahem..... moving along.....
The "Mini series, major crap" award for worst mini series !
2 - "The MASS Device"
2 - "Pyramid Of Darkness"
2 - "Revenge Of Cobra"
5 - "GIJoe - The Movie"
10 - "Arise, Serpentor, Arise"
10 - "Operation Dragonfire"
"Operation: Dragonfire. Someone really has to help the Marauders with proper color coordination. I am sorry, but those just arent jungle colors. "
- Macdowin
"Arise, Serpentor, Arise! I hate to cast my vote for it like this. Pyramid of Darkness might have beaten it for me if I had seen the whole thing, since it looked kinda sucky. But one can only take so much Dr. Mindbender, and this mini-series offered too much of him for my liking. Hence, it goes to the bottom of the barrell."
- Sidewinder
LJ : WE HAVE A TIE !!
DESTRO : So it goes to the judges !!! This year, they are our gracious
hosts themselves, Cobra Commander and General Hawk !!
CC and Hawk come back onstage !
HAWK : Indeed ! Who better to judge all things Joe then the leaders
of both major factions !
CC : Now, when I think "Arise" I think I was overthrown by a bunch of
disloyal, backstabbing buffoons, while in "Dragonfire" I took back the
reigns !
HAWK : However, one cannot forget the superior animation of "Arise".
DESTRO : And, if I may interject, in "Dragonfire" I was portrayed and
a guy who jumps from one woman to the next just because it suits me !
I'd never do that !
HAWK : Who's your kid's mother again ?
DESTRO : I...... Uhmmm.....
HAWK : And in the toon, you talked about looking forward to having
Scarlett as your slave, what was THAT about ?
DESTRO : I'll just shut up now.... *mumbling* The Baroness is gonna
have my legs broken !
HAWK : If your lucky.... Anyway, look, "Dragonfire" already won last year,
so let's give it to "Arise".
CC : Fine.... "ARISE SERPENTOR, ARISE" is this year's WORST mini
series !
The "The One Where Phoeby Finally Snaps And Machetes All Of The
Friends" award for funniest episode ever !
1 - "Red Rocket's Glare"
1 - "Pyramid Of Darkness", part 4
1 - "Cobra Quake"
1 - "Haul Down The Heavens"
1 - "Hearts and Cannons"
1 - "Raise The Flagg"
1 - "20 Questions"
1 - "Cobra Claws Are Coming To Town"
1 - "Cobrathon"
3 - "Lights, Camera, Cobra ! "
4 - "Cold Slither"
9 - "The Viper Is Coming"
12 - "Once Upon A Joe"
"Cold Slither (Seeing Rock 'n Roll finally get to do what he does best - play
bass guitar - was the sight of the millenium.)"
- Hector Delgado
"Cobra Quake. Bazooka stumbling around constantly shouting gleefully
"I'll Disarm It!" was quite amusing."
- General Hawk
"The one that had the PSA at the end were the kids wanted to jump over the
downed wire.The episode itself wasnt funny but the PSA was.I mean come on,
were we that stupid when we were 10?"
- Alex A
"Pyramid of Darkness Part 4. Is that Snake Eyes or Boy George?"
- Jon S
"Once Upon a Joe - Shipwreck at his finest "
- Wowboy
LJ : As far as Unbelievable inventions go, that decive from "Once..." is
right up there with Fatal Fluffies.....
DESTRO : I think that was the point....
The "R....Rosebud" award for more dramatic episdoe !
1 - "Twenty Questions"
1 - "Not A Ghost Of A Chance"
1 - "Jungle Trap"
1 - "Glamour Girls"
1 - "Watchdog"
1 - "Grey Hairs And Growing Pains"
1 - "Nightmare Assault"
2 - "Memories of Mara"
2 - "The Traitor"
3 - "There's No Place Like Springfield"
3 - "Sink The Montana"
9 - "Worlds Without end"
"Twenty Questions. Just for fun."
- Sidewinder
DESTRO : Nothing says "drama" like skelethongs !
LJ : Don't you start !
DESTRO : This coming from a woman who ended an episode pantsless once !
LJ : Are we done yet ?
DESTRO : Not by a longshot !
The "Homer, Optimus, Vegeta" award for favorite cartoon character !!
1 - Barbeque
1 - Hector Ramirez
1 - Baroness
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Bazooka
1 - Snake-Eyes
1 - Quick Kick
2 - Alpine
2 - Storm Shadow
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Zartan
3 - Duke
3 - Flint
4 - Lowlight
4 - Beach Head
4 - Destro
5 - Lady J
9 - Shipwreck
"Barbecue, I Love the Boston accent"
- Takedown
"Lady Jayeit may very well be the curse of my life that I will never shake
the crush I developed on Lady Jaye when I was eleven years old. "
- Kowalski
"Daffy Duck"
- Cabanajack (Babumbump -ed)
"Bazooka and Alpine (they were a team)"
- Sharpshot
"Duke, he was like the Jim Kirk of G.I.Joe!"
- Jon S
"Zartan. He was creepy, mysterious, and he had that cool reverberation
on his voice. Plus he sounds British, which instantly makes him sound
smarter than the other Cobras for some reason."
- Sidewinder
"Shipwreck, who doesnt like drunk sailors?"
- Alex A
LJ : SHIPWRECK ?
DESTRO : I like him ! We even liked him so much we promoted him
to Colonel !
LJ : Yes, thank you for THAT..... We got even, though....
DESTRO : What do you mean ?
LJ : Who do you think gave Crystal Ball directions to your recruitment
offices ?
DESTRO : WHAT !?
The "Wheelie" award for worst cartoon character !
1 - Polly
1 - Beach Head
1 - Airborne
1 - Cross Country
1 - Zartan
1 - Buzzer
1 - Barbeque
1 - Lady J
1 - Chuckles
1 - Metalhead
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Admiral Ledger
1 - Scrap Iron
2 - Spirit
2 - Snake Eyes
2 - Bazooka
2 - Cobra Commander
3 - Footloose
3 - Big Lob
4 - Sgt. Slaughter
4 - Serpentor
4 - Shipwreck
4 - Duke
"Polly,I always prayed that Roadblock would cook that damn thing!
"This parrot is NO more...""
- KennyD
"Dreadnoks-they were treated TOOO Dumb in the toon."
- Zedhatch
"Anybody introduced in the movie"
- Cabanajack
"Bazooka. In the toon, he was dumber than a box of Kleenex"
- General Hawk
"Every toon fan's gonna slap me for this one, but I gotta say Duke.
He's kinda like the Ned Flanders of the series. He's so good, that
after a while, you want to smack him."
- Phillip Donnely
"Shipwreck. I'll burn in Joe hell for that one I'm sure, but I HATE this guy's
cartoon representation. The voice is irritating as well."
- Sidewinder
"Sgt. Slaughter--like the guy who shows up at your party, though he was
never invited, and proceeds to demand that all attention be placed on
his loud-mouthed, drunken-ass self. And who invited that guy anyway?"
- Kowalski
"Sgt. Slaughter. What a name. What a guy. What a CHIN. Jay Leno is jealous."
- Diana M
DESTRO : Another tie !
CC : I'd sssay Shipwreck is out, he won favorite character !
HAWK : Duke also got a few points in that category.....
CC : So that leaves Serpentor and Slaughter...
HAWK : Well, Slaughter had cool catchphrases, while Serpy had.....
CC : "This I command !" ?
CC and HAWK : SERPENTOR WINS !
The "Darth Vader" award for best voice !
1 - Gung Ho
1 - Tomax/Xamot
1 - Bill Rather ( I meant characters, but what the hey... -ed)
1 - Duke
1 - Storm shadow
1 - Zartan
2 - Snake-Eyes
2 - Flint
3 - Beach Head
3 - Shipwreck
13 - Destro
17 - Cobra Commander
"Shipwreck (Love the Nicholson)"
- Beav
"Cobra Commander-Still think of that voice when I read the comic, a fanfic, or
Dio-story to this day. Sinister yet familar"
- Zedhatch
LJ : Well, it was a close race for a while, but the Commander ran away
with it near the end ! You put up quite a fight, though !
Destro :(smiling) And I noticed you didn't get a single vote.
LJ : What did you expect ? I sound like I smoke three packs a day !
Destro : Let's see if anybody agress !
The "Marvin Monroe" award for WORST voice !
1 - Airborne
1 - Metal-Head
1 - Deep Six
1 - Clutch
1 - Major Bludd
1 - Falcon (movie version, Don Johnson)
1 - Ripper
1 - Blowtorch
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Chuckles
1 - Shipwreck
1 - Cross Country
1 - Firefly
1 - Thunder
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Dr. Mindbender
2 - Dialtone
2 - Zarana
3 - Bazooka
3 - Storm Shadow
3 - Snake-Eyes
4 - Footloose
5 - Barbeque
5 - Cobra Commander
"Shipwreck, I guess true to his character he sounds like some lady just kicked
him "you know where"."
- Sidewinder
"Deep Six. always sounded like he was gonna puke"
- Cabanajack
"Thunder. I always expect to look at his arms and see those
little control sticks. I suspect Frank Oz is crawling under there, always out
of shot. One day, he'll accidently stick into frame, and the shocking Joe
muppet conspiracy will be revealed. "
- Diana M
"Snake-Eyes! Dang-It why did he think he was better then everyone else by not talking! I know you can talk! Now Talk!"
- Macdowin
"Airborne.. (Optimus Prime just didn't sound right for him)"
- Dave
"Barbecue: BY FAR!"
- Phaylon
"Barbeque (That thick Bostonian just grated on me)"
- Beav
LJ : Well, we hate to sound like a broken record, but.... Tie !
HAWK : Well, considering the Commander won best voice, I guess
we'll have to give the award to Barbeque !
CC : Phew.....
DESTRO : Now we come to those guys and gals that only got to shine
in the cartoon !
The "I searched for the toy at TRU !" award for best cartoon-only character !
1 - MASS Device Slave Girl
1 - Jeremy Penser
1 - B.A. Lacarr (Crazy Cobra Cook)
1 - The Gamesmaster
2 - Mara
2 - The window washer (Vindow Viper)
4 - Hector Ramirez
4 - Pythona
15 - Sparks
"The Queen of... no.. waitaminute"
- Jon S
"Pythona. Wait. Didn't she appear in the UK comic?"
- Notpicard (Yeah, but I'll ignore that -ed)
"That Crazy ass Dad who wanted revenge on Cobra forgot his name"
- Bill Leach (Oookay, that helps... -ed)
LJ : Good ol' Sparks !
DESTRO : I wouldn't mind seeing a toy of a Cobra cook. We could use
one. Of all of Cobra Commander's schemes, the most succesfull one
dealing with taking out his enemies was unintentional food poisoning !
LJ : A yes, the buried freighter incident. Didn't most of them survive ?
DESTRO : Survived, cloned, you name it. I'm surprised nobody did
a mind meld....
The "Who da hell... !?" award for WORST cartoon-only character !
1 - Professor Milani
1 - Honda Lou
1 - Fatal Fluffie
1 - Sparks
1 - Hector Ramirez
1 - Brittany "Bree" Van Mark (Lifeline's girlfriend)
1 - Airborne's brother
1 - Quick Kick's Girfriend's roommate (talk about OBSCURE -ed)
1 - Matthew Burke
1 - Vindow Viper
2 - Admiral Ledger
2 - Colonel Sharpe
3 - Quick Kick's girlfriend (Amber)
10 - Big Lob
"Fatal Fluffies, do these little furballs count?"
- Phillip Donnely ( Sure, why not.... -ed)
"Golobulus"
- Eleavitt2000 (He's not cartoon-only, he got a toy -ed)
"Any of the doctors that Cobra would capture and some how mind control into building weapons rather then just mind control the Joes! "
- Bryan Segal
"Honda Lou. "Gosh dang gee! I'm a walkin' stereotype! Yeehaw!""
- Diana M
LJ : Hey, what a shocker !
Destro : Well, can YOU think of anybody who deserves it more ?
LJ : Good point.....
Destro : Now, let's rap things up with the last toon award !
The "Hire him! " award for actor you'd most want to do a voice in the toon !
1 - Henry Rollins - Zandar
1 - John Rhys-Davies - Destro
1 - Christopher Lee - Serpentor
1 - Ja Rule - Roadblock
1 - Robin Williams - A Dreadnock
1 - Harrison Ford - General Flagg III (Toy Flagg)
1 - Brad Pitt - Falcon
1 - Jeremy Irons - A mad scientist
1 - Mel Gibson - unspecified ( but a Joe wearing a kilt, apparantly -ed)
1 - Mark Hamill - Falcon
1 - Steve McQueen - unspecified
1 - James Coburn - Hawk
1 - Gilbert Gottfried - Cobra Commander
1 - Mr. T - Roadblock
1 - Keith Richards - Ripper
1 - Pee Wee Herman - Snake-Eyes
1 - Russel Crowe - Unspecified
1 - Vin Diesel - Not Specified
1 - Humphry Bogart - Shipwreck
1 - Mike Bell - Duke
1 - Bruce Campbell - Shipwreck
1 - Rachel Weisz - The Baroness
1 - Gary Oldman - Cobra Commander
1 - Samuel L Jackson - Heavy Duty
1 - James Earl Jones - Cobra Blackstar
1 - James Earl Jones - Golobulus
1 - James Earl Jones - Not Specified
2 - James Earl Jones - Destro
2 - Jack Nicholson - Shipwreck
3 - Sean Connery - Destro
"James Coburn (yes, I know he died) as Hawk"
- Tim Frankovich
"Christopher Lee as Serpentor. "This I Command" would be a heckuva lot
more imposing coming from him, don't you think?"
- Sidewinder
"Mr. T as Roadblock: I pity those Cobra fools, they shouldve stayed in school"
- Takedown
"James Earl Jones, he probably would've been better than the Penguin for
Golobulus."
- Phillip Donnely
"Hmm... how about Russell Crowe? He could perhaps play a sexy
foreign Joe equivalent as his character works with the Joe team
in his country (Australia or New Zealand, either one would be fine).
Or he would make a great, sexy Cobra."
- Lady K
"Mel Gibson. Come on, wouldnt you want a kilt wearing joe yelling
FREEDOM!!!!!!! all through the battle? Mel, the other motivational speaker."
- Macdowin
DESTRO : So who won this award, anyway ?
LJ : Well, Sean Connery got more specific votes, but James Earl Jones
got more actual votes....
DESTRO : Let's leave that one to the philosophers....
LJ : I'm cool with that ! Time to hit the bar ! Bye everybody !
Destro : Bye Dr. Nick.....
Destro and Lady Jaye make their way off stage as the closing theme to
the season one cartoon plays..... Hawk and Cobra Commander return.
HAWK : One category down, but lot's more to go !!
CC : We'll be right back......
HAWK : What the...!?
We switch to the Mambavision (TM) screen.....
Raptor : Hello friend !
Croc Master : Don't know what costume to get for halloween ?
Crystal Ball : Then surf to Arbcoweirdasscostumes.com, and check
out our extensive collection ! Don't delay, be a freak today !
The picture dissolves to another setting....
Cyber-Viper : Tired of those same old drab colors ?
HEAT-Viper : Want to try something a little different ?
Mega-Viper : Then head over to Brocaneoncoloremporium.com, and
find those colors that give your tank that little something extra, so
your neighbours won't belief their eyes !
The screen goes blank....
HAWK : What the hell was that ?
CC : We're trying some new sca.....errr business ideas. We spend a
lot of money on this show, gotta make the money back somehow !
HAWK : I...See.... Why do I suddenly feel dirty ?
CC : Well, you are a little smelly, all that running made you sweat a bit, huh ?
HAWK :(quickly) Moving on, we come to the COMIC category ! And here are the
hosts : Mistress Armada and Clutch !
"Born to be Wild" plays as Clust and Mistress Armada make their way
down the stairs.
CLUTCH : Hi there, folks !!!
M.ARMADA : Greetings.
CLUTCH : Well hellooooo ! *winks*
M.ARMADA : I knew there was a good reason they didn't tell me who
my co-host was going to be....
CLUTCH : Guess they wanted it to be a special surprise !
Clutch moves a hair closer to Mistress Armada....
M. ARMADA : I know 36 different ways to kill you in under two seconds....
CLUTCH : *gulp*
The "New book smell" award for best issue of the year !!
1 - First Marvel trade paperback
1 - No 2 (Battle Files)
1 - No 7 (Image regular)
1 - No 10 (Image regular)
1 - No 12 (Image regular)
2 - No 2 (Frontline series)
2 - No 8 (Image regular)
2 - No 9 (Image regular)
3 - No 1 - Reinstated (Image regular Joe series)
3 - No 4 (Image regular)
3 - No 5 (Image regular) "Out For Bludd"
3 - No 6 (Image regular)
3 - No 11 (Image regular)
9 - No 1 (Frontline series)
"Issue #1-Reinstated...The Joes are back,and they brought company!"
- KennyD
"Frontline 1. Larry's back !!"
- Dzirhan
CLUTCH : Well well.....
M. ARMADA : Amazing isn't ? Two years ago, who would have thought
there'd be this much new stuff to choose from ?
CLUTCH : Good point !
The "Radioactive Man 1" award for BEST issue EVER !
1 - No 2 (Special Missions)
1 - No 2 "Panic At The North Pole" (Marvel regular)
1 - Yearbook 1
1 - Yearbook 2
1 - Pitfall (Marvel regular)
1 - No 102 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 22 (Special Missions)
1 - No 49 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 34 "Shakedown" (Marvel regular)
1 - No 61 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 11 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 45 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 26 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 1 (Special Missions)
2 - No 109 "Death In The Desert" (Marvel regular)
2 - No 1 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
4 - No 50 (Marvel regular)
7 - No 21 - "Silent Interlude" (Marvel regular)
"No 1 (Marvel Titel, There were so many great issues in the regular title that
I`m not really sure what issue was the best, so I would say # 1 because it
started one of the best comics ever published)"
- Nils Meyer
"No 155 A letter from snake-eyes Mostly because it was the only issue
and title together that I could remember."
- Macdowin
"No 21 of the main series. "Silent Interlude" This was the first issue I
received as a part of my subscription long ago. I loved it, and it actually
made me read some more comics, where I used to just scan through the
other subscriptions my mother bought me."
- Notpicard
M. ARMADA : Still number one, Silent Interlude !
CLUTCH : A comic without any words whatsoever.... Who knew it
would be so highly acclaimed !
M. ARMADA : If you were in such a comic, I'd acclaim it too....
The "Heroes Reborn" award for WORST issue ever !
1 - No 2 (Image regular)
1 - No 1 (Image regular)
1 - No 1 (3D comics)
1 - No 13 (Image regular)
1 - No 44 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 119 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 141 "Suckerpunch" (Marvel regular)
1 - No 143 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 153 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 3 (Image regular)
2 - No 139 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 154 (Marvel regular)
3 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
5 - No 1 (GIJoe Vs Transformers)
6 - No 24 - Ladies Day (Special Missions)
"GI Joe Special Missions No 24 (Every year I have to look this stupid
thing up, since I try to block it out of my mind...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Image No 2. Cobra Commander out of comission so easily? Greenshirt joes? Hrm. Didn't like this issue."
- Sidewinder
"No 141 SuckerPunchninjas galore and Transformers! And all
in the same issue!"
- Alex A
CLUTCH : But.... But that's my favorite issue !
M. ARMADA : Figures.....
CLUTCH : Come on ! Joe girls as cheerleaders !
M. ARMADA : Exactly. Plus, Raptor AND Crystal Ball..... I'm surprised
people don't torch every issue they find !
The "New blood" award for best Image issue ever !
1 - No 2 (Frontline)
1 - No 2 (Battle Files)
1 - No 10 (Regular)
1 - No 7 (Regular)
1 - No 9 (Regular)
2 - No 11 (Regular)
2 - No 8 (Regular)
2 - No 4 (Regular)
3 - No 6 (Regular)
3 - No 1 (Regular)
4 - No 1 (Frontline)
6 - No 5 (Regular) "Out for Bludd"
"No 5, liked the stand-alone story"
- Beav
"Reinstated No 1, just because I missed the comics for so long"
- Jon S
"(redundant) No 10"
- Batdan (No it isn't , there are also the comics from 2001 -ed)
CLUTCH : Cheeky fellow....
M. ARMADA : And more to come.....
CLUTCH : For the next one, I'm still rooting for the cheerleader issue !!
The "Special, damn right !" award for best special missions issue ever !
1 - No 28
1 - No 22
1 - No 17
1 - No 0 (Regular no 50 preview)
2 - No 13
2 - No 14
2 - No 4
2 - No 5
2 - No 6
4 - No 2
7 - No 1
"No 2, Words of Honorfulfilled all the promise of the Special Missions
concept."
- Kowalski
"Tiger force, tiger force! I should be giving numbers here, but my collection
of comics has mysteriously disappeared. (Cry for me!)"
- Diana M
M. ARMADA : Like the cartoon, it seems the first one is the best !
CLUTCH : It was a great story ! Doublecross, double double cross ! Great !
M. ARMADA : And now, for the obvious......
The "Special my a....." award for worst Special Missions issue ever !
M. ARMADA : Look, it's "Ladies day". No 24. It always has been
No 24 and it always will be No 24. It's the one with Crystal Ball
and Raptor and the Joes drive Stinger Jeeps for some reason and
the girls walk around like cheerleaders...
CLUTCH : Breathe..... Anyway, for completeness sake.....
1 - No 2
1 - No 6
1 - No 9
1 - No 22
1 - No 12 - Airshow
2 - No 7
10 - No 24 - Ladies Day
M. ARMADA : Sorry, I feel better now...
CLUTCH : No problem !
Clutch tries to move closer again....
M. ARMADA : Ever had an high heel stab you sharply in a place that
was designed to be treated gently ?
CLUTCH : Frequently.
Mistress Armada shudders.
The "Send Hollywood the script !" award for best story arc ever !
1 - Candy/Bongo arc
1 - assault on Cobra island to fall of the Pit
1 - Walls of Death - GIJoe vs. October Guard
1 - Panic at the North Pole
1 - Destro : Search And Destroy
1 - First mission into Sierra Gordo (??? -ed)
1 - Creation of Serpentor
1 - Capture and freeing of Stalker etc. in Borovia
1 - Snake-Eyes Trilogy
1 - Trucial Abysmia War
1 - First issues, the beginning
2 - Finding the Hard Master's murderer
2 - Benzheen War
2 - Snake-Eyes , the origin
3 - The rise of Cobra Island
13 - Cobra Civil War
"The first couple issues, when things were just getting underway"
- Jon S
"Cobra Civil War, because it was a very big story and I always liked it
when there are so many characters"
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : Those were some battles !
M.ARMADA (smiling) : I've read about that ! The Baroness got strapped to
an HISS tank, right ?
CLUTCH : Ohhh, you like that kinda stuff, huh ?
M. ARMADA : It's people like you that make women never drink alcohol
at parties.
The "They wasted so many issues on THIS !?" award for worst story arc !
1 - Death in the desert
1 - Of birds and men (3D story)
1 - Snake-Eyes : The Origin
1 - Snake-Eyes Trilogy
2 - Eco Warriors
2 - Reinstated (Image)
2 - Scarlett "defects" to Cobra
4 - GIJoe vs Transformers G2 (Destro castle arc)
5 - Ninja Force (GIJoe : Starring Snake-Eyes)
5 - GIJoe vs Transformers (original limited series)
"Python Patrol (okay, so it's not really an ARC, but it was bad enough...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"that teeny tiny ninja thing. Anyone remember ninjas?"
- Diana M
"Any arc with Snake eyes other than "The Orgin of". SE was over used."
- Dave
M. ARMADA : Tie time !
HAWK : Huge alien robots that can kill us in a flash, or ninjas in all
sorts of gaudy colors ?
CC : I'll just flip a coin..... There, it's Ninja Force !!
HAWK : And we actually get paid for this.....
CLUTCH : Paid ?
HAWK : Uhmmm.... Forget I said that.....
The "Got every single one !" award for best comic series !
1 - Image regular
1 - GIJoe Vs. Transformers
2 - Yearbooks
9 - Special Missions
24 - Regular (Marvel)
"Rarely was Special missions used just to present the newest character,
and vehicles were barely even used. Just straight forward military fiction
that didnt even feature Cobra the majority of the time."
- Scramble
"Marvel Regular (Maybe this Question is more interesting when Devil`s Due has at least 50 issues) "
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : The original is still the best !
M. ARMADA : The millenium is still young....
The "Spock" award for best comic death !
1 - Fred VII
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Strato-Viper (Special Missions 6)
1 - General Flagg
2 - Soft Master
3 - Dr. Venom
4 - Kwinn
5 - Doc
6 - Sneak Peek
11 - Serpentor
"Doc, also the saddest"
- Dave
"All killed by the SAW Viper"
- Troy X
"I'm still waiting for Sgt. Slaughter to die. (that one would be great!) "
- Marc De Ruiter
"Storm Shadow's death at the hands of the Baroness"
- Rock-viper/Sicko (He. Didn't. Die. -ed)
"This otherwise unexplored character gets gunned down being noble.
Dustys friendship with SP means so much to him that he risks his life
carrying the body back to camp."
- Scramble (On Sneak Peek)
"Is there such a thing as a "best death?""
- Phillip Donnely
"Serpentor (Not due to happiness for his death, but for the "style" of it :-) )"
- Beav
CLUTCH : Well, all arrows were pointing to him....
M. ARMADA : Did Timmer work on Attack of the Clones ? The quality
of the puns seem to be pointing in that direction.
CLUTCH : Maybe Serpentor could get a job at Target ?
M. ARMADA : *Groan*
The "Tasha Yar" award for worst comic death !
1 - Maverick
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - General Flagg
1 - Quick Kick
1 - Dee-Jay
1 - Sneak Peek 2 (Image comic)
2 - Serpentor
3 - Cool Breeze
3 - Breaker
4 - BF2000
9 - Doc
"Doc. Man,watching Doc die was like watching Mufasa Die in Lion King."
- Diana M
"Everyone on the freighter on Cobra Island"
- Karl (Sledge)
"The Emirate of Benzheen mission accident (when the parachute
malfunctioned)"
- Macdowin (???? -ed)
"Sneak Peek II (they did this one just to shoot a new guy, and connect
the names in death)."
- John Missal
"Any of the Im deadjust kidding!"
- Joegirl
"Cool Breeze (oh, come on.... stupid melodramatic "Yeah, I learned what
it means to be a Joe" BS death. Even more pronounced than Mangler's.)"
- Beav
"Fire Fly. Mainly because he didn't die in the freighter..."
- Sidewinder
"No 155-the end of the Joe era"
- KennyD
"Cross Countrybecause sometimes the worst deaths are the ones that
didnt happen but should have. "
- Kowalski
"When the Cobra Rage blew up and three Joes went down in a single pane. "
- Jon S
M. ARMADA : Wow. Cobra did some real damage in their time !
CLUTCH : I'll say... And yet Supertrooper lives to this day !
The "Leonardo" award for best artist !
1 - Steve Kurth
1 - Andy Kubert
1 - Russ Heath
1 - Kevin Sharpe
1 - Rick Leonardi
1 - Micheal Golden
1 - David Micheal Beck
1 - Dave Dorman
1 - Andrew Wildman
1 - Lee Weeks
2 - Dan Jurgens
2 - Scott Campbell
3 - Herb Trimpe
4 - Rod Whigham
"Rod Whigham always penciled the Joes how they were in my imagination,
very talented guy"
- Nils Meyer
CLUTCH : They never drew Cover Girl they way she was in my imagination....
M. ARMADA : I'm not even gonna ask....
The "Leonarda, the Ninja Turlte" award for worst artist !
1 - Ernie Stiner
1 - Andrew Wildman
1 - Phil Gossier
1 - Herb Trime
2 - Todd McFarlane
2 - Josh Blaylock
2 - Tony Salmons
8 - Steve Kurth
"Meor if you mean for the comic, the one for Image, but only in the
beginning, hes really improved."
- Alex A
"People complain too much about Kurth. Let's take a look at Marvel
issue No 69 Tony Salmons. Yuck!"
- Notpicard
"I still contend that Herb Trime drew those early planes as blimps with
wings."
- Phillip Donnely
"McFarlaine. I don't even care about spelling his name right.
He can rot, him and his stupid balls,baseballs, I mean. Well,either,really."
- Diana M
CLUTCH : Now THAT'S hostility !
M. ARMADA : Perhaps this Diana would be interested in a career with Cobra ?
The "Spiderman" award for favorite comic character !
1 - Ace
1 - Chuckles
1 - Shockwave
1 - SAW-Viper (Joe killer)
1 - Lady J
1 - Destro
1 - Zartan
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Kwinn
1 - Baroness
1 - Duke
1 - Tunnelrat
2 - Serpentor
2 - Dr. Venom
3 - Stalker
3 - Clutch
3 - Storm Shadow
3 - Cobra Commander
4 - Flint
5 - Snake-Eyes
"Cobra Commander. Threatening, evil to the core. The way he should be."
- Sidewinder
M. ARMADA : Oh, look, it's ninja boy.....
CLUTCH : Don't you like him ?
M. ARMADA : Look, we can throw everything at him, power suits, other
ninjas, the kitchen sink, the kitchen attached to said sink, and we still
get our asses handed to us by him.... Throw in some tights and a
cape and you have Superman !
CLUTCH : Nah, Superman could be stopped with kryptonite !
The "Waste of space" award for worst comic character !
1 - Bumblebee ( Yeah, he counts... -ed)
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Charbroil
1 - Cross Country
1 - Clean Sweep
1 - Gung Ho
1 - Scarlett
1 - Cesspool
1 - Headman
1 - Wild Bill
1 - Raptor
1 - Crystal Ball
1 - Lady Jaye
2 - Fred VII
2 - Serpentor
2 - White Clown
2 - Bazooka
2 - Bongo The Balloon Bear
3 - Alexander Destro
5 - Snake-Eyes
"Cesspool..no, Headman..can I just answer the "We need a new
bad guy and want to appeal to parents by being so correct by saying
Drugs and Pollution are bad character?" What's next, Tobbaco King?
Oh, and the White Clown is pretty bad, too. "Magda, Magda!" What
a wuss. I guess life can suck pretty hard when you climb out of tiny
cars for a living"
- Diana M
"SE.. got overused way too much in the end.."
- Dave
"Snake Eyes. Over rated anyone?"
- Sidewinder
CLUTCH : What the hell !?
M. ARMADA : Uhm.... This is one screwed-up fandom.
CLUTCH : I think it's best to let the fans fight it out for themselves.
The "Customized long ago" award for best comic-exclusive character !
1 - The Soft Master
1 - The Blind Master
1 - Lola
1 - White Clown
1 - Mistress Armada
1 - Mangler
1 - Fred IV
2 - General Flagg
2 - Dr. Venom
2 - Scarface
8 - Billy
11 - Kwinn
"General Flagg Sr. (that wasn't really him in the MASS Device)"
- Jon S
"Kwinn the Eskimo. A man of honor and pride, and a fearful warrior.
He could have been GREAT."
- General Hawk
CLUTCH : Hey, you got a vote !
M. ARMADA : About time too. Kwinn is a fine winner, though.
CLUTCH : As far as Eskimo mercenaries go, and there are quite a
few, he was OK !
The "SAW-Viper, where are you ?" award for worst comic-only character.
1 - General Liederkranz
1 - General Austin
1 - Kwinn
1 - Greenshirts
1 - Anderson
1 - Dr. Burkhart
1 - Cool Breeze
1 - Orlovsky the dwarf
1 - Dr. Biggles-Jones
1 - White Clown
1 - Sioban O'Hara
2 - Alexander Destro
2 - Fred
5 - Billy
7 - Bongo The Balloon Bear (Candy Apple)
"Candy (AKA Ripcords Girlfriend)-She was just there to die anyway"
- Zedhatch
"Candy Appel. Her life sucked. She had a stupid name, dressed up
as a bear called "Bongo", dated one a guy who insisted she called
him "Ripcord", had a terrorist for a dad and died in a firey wreck on
the highway.- The White Clown, again, is a close second. His life sucked
big bottles of goat-fur, too. Plus, clowns are freakin scary.
And he was a whiner."
- Diana M
M.ARMADA : Hmmm. Can't really add anything to that.
ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, the "funniest issue" award
has been dropped due to huge unpopularity and a large tie-situation.
CLUTCH : But don't worry folks, there's plenty of awards to come !
The "Du-Du-Duuuun" award for most dramatic issue ever !
1 - No 13 (Special Missions)
1 - No 2 (Special Missions)
1 - No 126 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 50 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 44 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 71 (Marvel regular)
1 - No 94 (Marvel regular)
2 - No 34 (Marvel regular)
3 - No 155 (Marvel regular)
4 - No 21 (Marvel regular)
5 - No 109 (Marvel regular)
CLUTCH : There you have it ! Carnage means drama !
M.ARMADA : And that's the end of the comic category, folks !
CLUTCH : So what do you say you and me head backstage and
get to know eachother a little better ?
M. ARMADA : (grinning) Sure thing, sweetie.
Clutch and Mistress Armada make their way off stage, with clutch
putting his arm around her waist. Hawk and Cobra Commander return.
HAWK : Well, two categories down ! And the next one....
CLUTCH (from backstage) : AAAAARRRRCCCHHHHH !!!!!
CC : Looks like Lifeline and Stretcher will have their hands full tonight.
HAWK : I'm glad. I was thinking of having him neutered. Say, could you
send that chick to deal with Shipwreck too ?
CC : We'll talk later.
HAWK : As I was saying folks, the next category is one that always
brings back a few painful memories for us Joes.
CC : AND for certain Cobras !
HAWK : As you might have guessed, we have come to the category
that featured the first Joe buttslap in history, the MOVIE category !
CC : And presenting the awards, the buttslappee, JINX and real
butthead, NEMESIS ENFORCER !
The opening tune to the movie plays, as we see Jinx come down
the stairs, while Nemesis Enforcer flies in.
JINX : Thanks for that....unique introduction . Good to be here, and
good to see my co-host too ! How are you ?
NEMMY : "..."
JINX : Ah yes, I forgot, the strong silent type. Not sure how this is
gonna work....
Nemesis Enforcer produces a large piece of paper that reads :
"Just give out the first damn award"
JINX : Sheesh..... OK !
The "Embarrasing" award for best movie moment !
1 - Sgt. Slaughter vs. Nenemis Enforcer
1 - Pythona vs. Crimson Guards in hallway
1 - "We all go home or nobody goes home"
1 - Cobra-La battle cry
1 - Falcon slapping Jinx on the ass
1 - Duke reveals he's Falcon's brother
1 - Beach Head trains the Rawhides
1 - Falcon gets beaten by Serpentor
1 - Slaughter introduced himself to Falcon
1 - Introduction of the Renegades
1 - The ending
1 - Duke getting the snake in the chest
1 - Duke Vs. Serpentor for the BET
2 - Closing credits
3 - Pythona enters the Terrordrome
3 - "Man, who ever heard of getting shot down by salad!?"
24 - Opening Sequence
"the Zarana strip that never happened"
- Sicko
"Pressing "eject" "
- John Missal
"I really didnt know there was one"
- Alex A
"Pythona's attack on the Terrordrome. I think seeing that sequence is one of
the main reasons why there are so many Pythona customs. She was
Cobra-La's redeeming quality. Well, the name "Nemesis Enforcer" is
pretty cool too."
- Notpicard
"I'm sorry, they made a Joe Movie? in my world, it never happened"
- Dave
JINX : Embarrasing indeed.
Nemesis enforcer produces another note :
"Orange Juice"
JINX : Huh ? You've got your signs out of order, beetlebreath !
Nemmy quickly pens a note :
"This is exactly why Snake-Eyes or me never present large sections
of this thing."
The "even more embarrasing" award for WORST movie moment !
1 - Introduction of Golobulus
1 - Terrordrome destroyed
1 - "We shut of the BET"
1 - Cobra Commander is introduced as a member of Cobra-La
1 - Joes get captured by Cobra-La plants
1 - Chuckles throwing a missile at the Hiss
1 - Duke's "Death"
2 - Duke lives ending
2 - Cobra-La creatures vs the Joes
2 - Snake-Eyes gets slapped by a Royal Guard
3 - Cobra Commander turns into a snake
6 - Cobra-La history/backstory
6 - Cobra-Lalalalalalaaaa battle cry
13 - Everything but the opening sequence
"Duke lives. Even as a kid I felt that was just put in there as a last-minute
afterthought. I'm one of those reclusive "Cobra-La wasn't so bad" fans,
so nothing to do with it will make a bad list."
- Sidewinder
"Cobra-La battle cry (like fingernails to a chalkboard)"
- Joegirl
"Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa LALALALALALALALA..it was so stupid you had
to laugh..kinda like the Beavis and Butthead Cartoons "
- Ann G
"Having to sit through Sgt. Slaughter mumble his lines.
"Blurglrblurgleblurgleblurgle, arthritic grandmother, blurglr no weapon,
blurglebleurgel, USA!" (Punches something)"
- Diana M
"Pressing "play" "
- John Missal
"Its inception."
- Divineshockwave
JINX : Ahem....
Nemmy produces a new note :
"At least I don't dress up as a bird."
RAPTOR (from the audience) : HEY !
The "At least he didn't suck too bad" award for best character in the movie !
1 - Tunnelrat
1 - Roadblock
1 - Destro
2 - Zarana
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Serpentor
2 - Law
2 - Golobulus
2 - Mercer
2 - Jinx
2 - Pythona
2 - Duke
3 - Nemesis Enforcer
3 - Big Lob (BIG LOB !??! -ed)
4 - Beach Head
4 - Sgt. slaughter
9 - Falcon
"Golobulus (shrug, he had a good voice...)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Big Lob, I know everyone hates him, but he's just so over the top that I
love him! Um, in a non-sexual way, that is..."
- Phillip Donnely
"Lt. Falcon. I liked the focus on him in the film, it was nice to see someone
other than Duke or Lady Jaye in the spotlight."
- Sidewinder
JINX : I......got beaten by Big Lob !?
Nemesis Enforcer shrugs.
JINX : Even after I did all those nude scenes !?
Nemesis Enforcer looks quite surprised.
JINX : Well, according to Falcon, they were all cut because of
censor input, be he filmed hours of....
Nemesis Enforcer folds his arms and looks sternly at Jinx.
JINX : ......Oh.
The "Guess who !" award for WORST character in the Movie !
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Zarana
1 - Destro
1 - Pythona
1 - Tunnelrat
1 - Jinx
2 - Serpentor
2 - Nemesis Enforcer
2 - Duke
3 - Golobulus
4 - Falcon
5 - Chuckles
5 - Cobra Commander
15 - Big Lob
"Everyone new"
- Cabanajack
"Destro because one of the most prolific characters was regulated to
supporting actor"
- Sharpshot
"Pythona. Venomous claws, oh yeah, impressive. Especially when the only
other animal with venomous claws I can think of is a platypus. She looks
nothing like a platypus, but I guess the connection could be there.
I bet she has a pouch. Serpentor'sprobably into that in a big way."
- Diana M
"Duke. I have never really liked him and now that I had to think about it, I
think his scenes are the ones I find to be the least fun. However, he is
hands down more endurable than the kid at the beginning of my copy of the
VHS tape. I don't know how many others have seen him explain how to
adjust the tracking on your VCR, but I'm just glad DVDs don't need it."
- Notpicard
"The Cobra-La bugs"
- Lady K
"Cobra-La"
- Lurker (That's.... half the cast, non-speaking anyway -ed)
"Jinx. Ugh. Hurrah for bad Asian stereotypes."
- Divineshockwave
JINX : ....And that's what Falcon's got coming to him !
Nemmy is heaving, but composes himself after a few moments.
JINX : That's all from the movie ! See you later !
Jinx walks offstage, while taking a knife from her belt. Nemesis Enforcer
flies of as the closing theme from the movie plays. Hawk and Cobra
Commander return.
HAWK : I guess Clutch won't be the only one needing medical attention !
CC : yup. We'll be right back.
HAWK : Don't do....
We switch to the Mambavision (TM) screen.
DESTRO (In Pimp Daddy outfit) : Hello friends ! For a short time only,
we are offering the DVD GIJoe : The movie, the director's cut !
What we did basically, is replace all that Cobra-La stuff with footage
of Jinx, wich we obtained from a private source out to make a quick
buck. Log on to spicyjinxsflic.com and order today ! The first 500
orders will get a free extra DVD with exclusive Zarana footage !
The screen goes blank.
HAWK : I..... You.....
Hawk shakes his head in disgust.
CC : Hey, don't look at me ! It was Destro's idea !
HAWK : Really ? I'll have to ask him about that. He's normally a noble
kind of guy.
CC : Yeah, but when those pimp pants come on, it's like a total
transformation.
HAWK : Mild-mannered arms dealer by day....
CC : Pimping showboat at night !
DESTRO (From backstage) : GET ON WITH IT !
HAWK : Perhaps we should.... And we come to one humdinger of a
category : the TOYS section ! This year, hosted by DUKE and OVERKILL !
The song "Mr. Roboto" plays, but is quickly replaced with "Duke of Earl".
Duke and Overkill make their way down the stairs.
DUKE : These theme tunes get weirder every year !
OVERKILL : BATS ATTACK !
DUKE : Uhmmm.... What ?
OVERKILL : DESTROY ! DESTROY !
DUKE : I think this is worse than Nemesis Enfo.....
OVERKILL WIPE OUT ! WIPE.....
Just then, Overkill is hit with a bolt of tazer-fire. Dr. Mindbender steps
onto the stage, holding a large tazer-rifle.
MINDBENDER : Sorry about that. There are a few bugs in his system.
DUKE : You don't say.....
MINDBENDER : I think it best if I take his place.
A bunch of Techno-Vipers take Overkill's limp body and the tazer-gun
backstage.
DUKE : Fine with me. I have to admit, this is gonna be one fun section !
Never before have there been so many new things to choose from, as
I'm sure the votes will prove !
MINDBENDER : So let's start, and start in STYLE !
The "Now THAT'S a Joe figure" award for BEST figure of the year !
1 - Crosshair
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Headman v2
1 - Stalker (Wave 3)
1 - Flint (Wave 3)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
1 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 3)
2 - Stalker (Wave 2)
2 - Viper (Wave 1,Green )
2 - Neo Viper v1 (Wave 1)
2 - Alley Viper (Wave 1.5, blue)
2 - Duke (Wave 4)
3 - Beah Head v4 (Wave 3)
3 - Viper (Wave 2,Blue visor)
3 - Shock Viper v1
3 - Ripper (Wave 4)
3 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
4 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
6 - Snow Serpent (Wave 3)
10 - Snake Eyes v14 (Wave 3, black)
"Shipwreck...finally..a break with the diver suits..hallelujah!!! :) "
- Ann G
"2002 Headman (Pimpin' ain't easy, but it's stylin')"
- Mike Taber
"Wild Bill. Snake Eyes is probably the one I enjoy the most, but Wild Bill
is just a better figure. His hat seriously doesn't even look like it comes
off its so perfect. And the accessories for him were finally new and
indicative of his character, something the line has been missing since the
early 90s."
- Notpicard
"Snow Serpent. I'm not normally into snow stuff that much, but this is where
the new sculpts started to get it right. He looks cool, believable, and has
a pet (awww)"
- Chris J
"Viper Repaint. More downplayed than the original but with that generic
trooper quality. No Cobra Fodder has ever screamed definitive like
this Viper"
- Scramble (??? I'm gonna assume you mean the forest-camo one -ed)
"Ripper? I think? it's so hard...."
- seaN
"That Snow Serpent just looks awesome,even though he'd look best on a
taun-taun."
- Diana M
"Ooo, thats a tough one. Baroness. Wow! Look at that figure
I mean the toy!"
- Macdowin
"Snake Eyes series 3 all black. Black is back and the boy looks damn
good again!!! He is also very articulate "
- Bryan Segal
DUKE : Well, I can't say I'm totally surprised.....
MINDBENDER : There must be some mistake. I don't see my name
up there !
DUKE : Probably because you raided Destro's clotheslocker. We didn't
really need to see so much chest.
MINDBENDER : I spend 10 years building up my body. No way I'm not
showing it off now !
The "Oh dear...." award for WORST figure of the year !
1 - Duke (Wave 1.35 repaint, tan)
1 - Surefire (wave 1.5)
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Flint/Rock 'n Roll , reissued with the repackaged 2001 HQ
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Firefly (BJ exclusive)
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
1 - Dr. Mindbender (Wave 3)
1 - Big Brawler
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
1 - Firefly (Wave 2)
1 - Zartan (Wave 2)
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS v1 (Wave 1)
1 - Destro (Wave 1.35)
2 - Frostbite Wave 1
2 - Destro (driver, wave 1)
3 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
3 - Baroness (Wave 3)
4 - Wild Weasel v2 (TRU Exclusive)
4 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
4 - Duke (wave 1)
6 - Heavy Duty v3
9 - Destro (Wave 1)
"Any from wave 1"
- Prozac/Tim Frankovich
"Desert CLAWS. Aweful articulation, aweful proportions, aweful colors made
even worse by being released with many O-Ring style figures.
This thing just looks plain ugly."
- General Hawk
"Destro (Version Seven, Dominator Driver) I picked what I see as the worst
sculpt of the year, and then picked the least-well painted. I hate this figure
as much as I hate Dr. Mindbender, but more. At least Mindbender looks ok.
This...thing doesn't even resemble Destro, and it looks horrible."
- Sidewinder
"BJ's Firefly (Yes, I dipped my head in crap. You got a problem with
that?!?)"
- Mike Taber
"Oh this is easy. Wild Weasel. Someone said he looked like the shrunken
head guy from Beetle Juice. They're right."
- Notpicard
"Baroness ( good lord she is bowlegged, easy there destro)"
- BgddPhil
"Beach Head a good color scheme, but I can't forgive the
bowleggedness."
- John Missal (It's people like YOU that make bow-legged people dye
their hair ! -ed, keeping the running gag alive !)
"Baroness (wave 3) - I mean, she just looks too much like a robot."
- Joe Harris
"Zartan. What the hell is this? What's that crap on his arms?
Why is he wearing a shirt with a collar that deep? He looks like
a crazy pervert druid."
- Hooper_X
"Do I really need to say Destro, or is this just taken for granted..."
- seaN (You need to say what version. Destro.... Oh fuggedit, I'll just pick the
first carded version... -ed)
"Big Brawler... pseudo-Jesse Ventura neo-nazi, anyone?"
- Divineshockwave (There's a phrase you don't see every day... -ed)
"Heavy Duty (I bought a tank of gas today and got a free Heavy Duty.
That guy's everywhere.)"
- Beav
"CLAWS - Cobra didn't need any ape men "
- Wowboy
MINDBENDER : How the mighty have fallen !
DUKE : I must admit, that figure was pretty horrible, no matter what
colorscheme you give it.
MINDBENDER : On to better things !
The "Better than the original !" award for best repaint of the year !
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black version)
1 - Shock Viper v2
1 - Mirage v2
1 - Fast Blast Viper v2 (BJ pack)
1 - Cobra Commander (Black and red, wave 1.35)
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Skullbuster ( Borderline -ed)
1 - Undertow v3 (BJ pack)
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1.35)
1 - Dialtone (BJ exclusive)
1 - Zartan (Wave 3)
1 - Alley Viper (Wave 2, red)
2 - Tomax/Xamot v2
2 - Headman v2
3 - Serpentor v2
4 - Shock Viper v1 (borderline again -ed)
4 - Viper (Wave 1.5,green)
9 - Viper (Wave 2 ,Blue visor)
12 - Alley Viper (Wave 1.5, Blue)
"Shock Viper. Took one of the most ridiculed figures in Joe history,
and turned it into one of the most sought-after army builders there is.
This is an excellent demonstration of how a good paint job makes
the difference. A name change didn't hurt, either."
- Sidewinder ( I.....guess he's a repaint -ed)
"Would Sideswipe count? If so, him. Because I've met him!"
- Hooper_X (Nope, new character and head, I think... -ed)
"Alley Viper (blue). Vipers lose out because they just don't have the right
legs. Shock Viper v2 is finally a great color of a decent mold. But Alley
Viper has camo that really fits his purpose. In a lot of ways, this color
makes more sense than Alley Viper v1. For that, it is a great figure."
- Notpicard
DUKE : Anything makes more sense than bright orange.
MINDBENDER : What about neon green ?
DUKE : Probably a close call....
The "And it's not even neon" award for WORST repaint of the year !
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1.35)
1 - Dusty v5
1 - General Hawk (Wave 1.5)
1 - Dusty (Wave 4)
1 - Slice v4
1 - Tomax/Xamot v2
1 - Wild Weasel (Funskool)
1 - Moray (Wave 1.35)
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Viper (Wave 1.5, green)
1 - Shock Viper v2
2 - Headman v2
2 - Frostbite (Wave 1.35)
2 - Snake-Eyes (BJ Exclusive)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1.35)
3 - Skullbuster
3 - Sure Fire v2
4 - Big Ben v5
5 - Firefly - BJ repaint
6 - Duke (Wave 1.35, Tan )
7 - Roadblock (BJ repaint)
"That purple Range/Rock Viper,Skull Buster. What is this,Prince and the
Revolution?"
- KennyD
"Headman Hamburgler"
- Cabanajack
"Shit brown Duke"
- Prozac
"Big Pimpin Caddillac Snake Eyes from the BJ's set."
- seaN
"Lifeline (Wave 5) because of the Peach fuzz"
- Zedhatch (That's not technically a repaint -ed)
"Lifeline v5. Beards are fine. Needing to shave is fine. Drinking
from the toilet is bad."
- Chris J (That's not a repaint, technically. New head -ed)
"Cobra C.L.A.W.S. Wave 4"
- Eleavitt2000 ( That's not a repaint, technically, as he's got new O-ring
construction. -ed)
"BJ's Exclusive Roadblock. Just plain gross. RB deserved MUCH better for his
triumphant return to the RAH fold..."
- General Hawk
DUKE : Poor, poor Roadblock.
MINDBENDER : Beat ya by a nosehair, though. Good thing there was
a BJ set, right ?
DUKE : It has its uses.
The "Yes, they exist" award for best figure without an o-ring !
1 - Neo viper Commander (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS v3 (FANG Pilot)
1 - Moray v1
1 - FANG III Pilot
1 - Neo Viper (Wave 1.35)
2 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
2 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
2 - Moray (Wave 1.35)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
3 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
5 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
6 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1)
6 - Wetsuit (Wave 1)
7 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
10 - Neo Viper (Wave 1)
"Was there one?"
- Prozac (Talk to the award's name -ed)
"Neo Viper V1 - I hate them all anyway !"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Neo-Viper. He had the best proportions, despite the wacky arm molding."
- Sidewinder
"There wasn't one."
- Tim Frankovich
"The only 2002 o-ringless figure was Dusty, if Im not mistaken."
- Scramble (??? I think we should sit down and have a conversation over
the exact definition of "o-ringless" and "2002". -ed)
MINDBENDER : Army builder, never fails !
DUKE : They could probably be articulated like a brick and still sell !
MINDBENDER : Shhh ! You want Hasbro to hear this ?
The "New goodness" award for best new mold !
1 - Dusty (Wave 1 Driver)
1 - Crosshair
1 - Dart
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Flint (Wave 3)
1 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
2 - Stalker (Wave 3)
2 - Snow Serpent (Wave 3)
3 - Duke v11 (Wave 4)
3 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
3 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
4 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black)
4 - Stalker (Wave 2)
4 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
4 - Beach Head v4 (Wave 3)
4 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
5 - Ripper v2 (Wave 4)
6 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
"Baroness - just because I love the baroness, I just hate those new
"extra-bulky" molds"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Beachead-Enough classic elements combined with new ones to make him
perfect (after operateing on the legs that is)"
- Zedhatch
"The new Flint I kept seeing on the net, but have yet to see on shelves.
It was cartoon Flint. They're probably still trying to figure out how to
package his ego."
- Diana M
DUKE : Did ya hear that, Flint ?
MINDBENDER : You should talk.
DUKE : Ahem. Hey, another award for shipwreck tonight ! He's gonna be
celebrating tonight !
MINDBENDER : Cleanup-Vipers on standbye.
The "Uuuuug-ly" award for WORST new mold !
1 - Duke (Wave 1)
1 - Duke (Wave 4)
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 1)
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Dusty (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
2 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
2 - Wild Weasel v2 (TRU Exclusive)
2 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
2 - Firefly (Wave 2)
2 - Dr. Mindbender (Wave 3)
2 - Flint (Wave 3)
2 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
2 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
3 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
3 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
5 - Zartan (Wave 2)
13 - Destro (Wave 1)
"Any from Wave 1"
- Prozac
"O-ringless fall-down Snake Eyes. Now, I know I'm biased, but
his face sculpt sucked. Also, he fell down. I'm sure it was a stealthy,
ninja kind of fall down, but it was still falling down."
- Diana M
"Mindbender. Maybe I just hate the character, but mad disco scientists arent
appealing to me."
- Scramble
"Destro-He just looks constipated in that mask."
- Zedhatch
"Destro. That face of his is just plain scary and twisted. Relative of yours
Timmer?"
- Macdowin
"Destro"
- Various (AAAARRCHHHH.... THERE. HAVE. BEEN. THREE. BE
SPECIFIC ! I've picked wave 1 whenever something like this
happened. - Sobbing ed)
DUKE : Easy there, Timmer.
MINDBENDER : Blame Hasbro. They confuse even us !
DUKE : Yeah, Storm Shadow is so unsure who he works for right now,
he's even considering joining the October Guard. Well, time for Cobra
to take a backseat !
The "Good ? Good !" award for best good guys figure of the year !
1 - Dart
1 - Flint
2 - Blowtorch
2 - Stalker (Wave 3)
3 - Mirage v2
3 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
3 - Stalker (Wave 2)
5 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
5 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
6 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
6 - Duke (Wave 4)
10 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3, black)
"Scarlett v4. Girl power! =P I personally think a newly sculpted female
figure with this level of detail, an extra point of articulation and kick-ass
accessories deserves such a title."
- Sidewinder
"Shipwreck (though my partiality to the character clouds my vision a
bit here)"
- Beav
"Stalker. Best head mold up till now. This shouldve been Beachhead,
but he lost it due to high O-shaped legs"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
MINDBENDER : Who would have thought.....
DUKE : Everybody. Mr.-Super-Ninja-Gets-Scarlett-Captain-Invincible.
MINDBENDER : Bitter much ?
The "Good ? BAD !" award for WORST good guys figure of the year !
1 - Mirage (Wave 1.5)
1 - Surefire (Wave 1.5)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Wild Bill (Wave 4)
1 - Beach Head (Wave 3)
1 - Snake Eyes (Wave 1) +v11 ?????
1 - Blowtorch (Wave 3)
1 - Duke v10
2 - Dusty (Wave 2)
2 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
2 - Roadblock (BJ repaint)
2 - Duke (Wave 1.35)
3 - Nunchuck (Wave 2)
4 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
4 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
5 - Flint (Wave 3)
5 - Duke (Wave 1)
6 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
"Duke v10. This is one of the worst figures I've seen in Joedom, and
that says a lot. Crappy color, proportions and bad articulation don't
mix with rehashed, tired accessories."
- Sidewinder
"Gung Ho-Looked too much like Stone Cold Steve Austin in hunting gear."
- Zedhatch
"Roadblock 8. Roadblock in code name only. File name was
doubleblast's as was file info. Picture was Heavy Duty"
- John M
"Destro. I know, not a good guy, but MAN, he deserves every negative
vote possible."
- seaN
"Mirage. Maybe it is because I have a billion of these guys...but he just
looks goofy."
- Brian McCabe
"Isn't it always Duke? Choose whichever version you like, but Duke
still gets my vote for any question involving "worst" and "good guys.""
- Divine shockwave
DUKE : Ahem.
MINDBENDER : Hehehehehe.... Hey, at least you didn't win !
DUKE : No, that honour goes to the only figure released two years
in a row without any changes ! It fits.
The "Bad ? GOOD !" award for best bad guys figure of the year !
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Cobra Commander v13
1 - Cobra Commander 12 inch figure (Hey, that's a rare vote -ed)
1 - Scarlett (Wave 2)
1 - Scalpel
1 - Shock Viper v1
1 - Tomax/Xamot (Convention set)
1 - Zartan (Wave 3)
1 - Zartan v5
1 - Baroness (Wave 3)
1 - Crimson Baroness (Convention exclusive)
1 - Dr. Mindbender v3 (Wave 3)
1 - Moray (Wave 1)
1 - Firefly (Wave 2)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 4)
1 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
2 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
3 - Neo Viper (Wave 4)
3 - Neo Viper v1 (Wave 1)
3 - Viper (Wave 2,Blue Visor)
4 - Alley Viper (Blue) (Wave 1.5)
5 - Cobra Commander (Wave 3)
6 - Snow serpent v5 (Wave 3)
7 - Ripper v2
"Zartan v5. A lot hate it, but I like the Chameleon swamp skier colors
combined with his more original look. Then they added the Devil's Due
Dreadnok logo, which I don't necessarily love, but brings another level of
detail. Now only if he was remade with a disguise for Spy Troops...."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : A dreadnok wins an award !
DUKE : An award other than best/worst dreadnok ! That's a first for
the FLAGGS !
MINDBENDER : Anything can happen, it seems !
The "Bad ? BAD !" award for WORST bad guys figure of the year !
1 - Shock Viper v1
1 - Desert Cobra CLAWS (Wave 2)
1 - Skullbuster
1 - Storm Shadow (Wave 1)
2 - Moray (Wave 1)
2 - BAT v3 (Wave 4)
2 - Neo Viper (Wave 1)
2 - Dr. Mindbender v3 (Wave 3)
4 - Cobra CLAWS (Wave 1)
4 - Firefly (Wave 2)
4 - zartan v4 (Wave 2)
5 - Wild Weasel v2
17 - Destro ( All 3 combined, I've given up differentiating -ed)
"Any from wave 1"
- Prozac (I'm getting the sense you are trying to tell me something -ed)
"Im really sorry I have to say this, but they screwed up pretty badly with
one of my fav figs Destro yuk, yuk and yuk"
- Marijn (Toystorerecords)
"Wild Weasel. Im so wild! I pilot my plane from the open gunnery station! Wild!"
- Scramble
"Keebler elf Zartan. With a chainsaw. Was that this year? I dunno,
but he looked like he should live in a tree. Just don't mess with his
cookies, though, cause he's got that chainsaw."
- Diana M
"Pervert Druid Zartan."
- Hooper_X
DUKE : I think we've just topped "Pimp Daddy Destro" as worst adjective.
MINDBENDER : Meanwhile, Destro, well, all three of them, are NOT looking
good this year.
DUKE : What do you expect from a figure with a face that looks like he's
having a baby.
MINDBENDER : Well, that's enough from the figures, now, the vehicles !
The "Now THAT'S a ride" award for best vehicle of the year !
1 - Assault Quad
1 - Crimson HISS (Convention set)
1 - FANG III
2 - Night Rhino
2 - Mantis Sub
4 - TRU Rattler
4 - HISS IV
33 - Night Attack Chopper (Wildfire)
"Rattler. I haven't gotten one yet but I thought all the other vehicles so far
were crap and you can't go wrong with the Rattler mold."
- Brian McCabe (Wanna bet ? -ed)
"Rattler Glad to see it back but, what's with the no gunner canopy & red??"
- Phaylon (See, Brian ? -ed)
"NAC. I poked my eye out."
- Cabanajack
"Night Attack Chopper that is one awesome helo that looks like it
could thrash a cobra armoured column and still have enough firepower
leftover to level Cobra HQ!"
- Dzirhan
DUKE : Biggest landslide EVER !
MINDBENDER : Over 50 precent of ALL voters prefered the NAC !
DUKE : It's just that good ! But now.....
The "Date with a crushing machine" award for WORST vehicle of the year !
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Mantis Sub
1 - Brawler
3 - Rattler
4 - Sand Razor
4 - Destro's Dominator
5 - FANG III
5 - Rockslide
10 - ATV Assault Quad
11 - HISS IV
"Dominator. It's flimsy as heck, comes with the suckiest figure of all time,
and it just generally sucks. A sturdier plastic and no yellow would save it."
- Sidewinder
"Fang 3-big let down. Blades too small, awkward seat, The only
redeemable quality was the CLAWS pilot."
- Zedhatch
"the Rock Slide: Whoa!! Im going to tip over!!"
- Takedown
"Where should I start?"
- Satan (Jeremy Watts)
"Hiss IV Dang, what's with that??!! "
- Phaylon
MINDBENDER : Not since the Septic Tank has the proud HISS name
been racked through the mud so.....
DUKE : Hey, it was a very close race ! Came down to the last ballot
counted !
MINDBENDER : Well, that's something.
DUKE : Well, so much for the new stuff, but this section is far from over !
MINDBENDER : That's right ! Cause let's not forget the other 19 years
worth of toys !
DUKE : And why not delve in straight away, with a BIG award !
The "Perfection, thy name is...." award for BEST FIGURE EVER !
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Cobra Commander v2
1 - Duke v? 1992
1 - Firefly v1
1 - Flint v1
1 - Night Viper
1 - Gung Ho v2
1 - Xamot v1
1 - Mercer v1
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Firefly v3
1 - Roadblock ( Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Road Pig v1
1 - Scrap Iron
1 - Bullhorn
1 - Big Ben v1
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
2 - Alpine
2 - Falcon v1
2 - BAT v1
2 - Zartan v1
2 - Shockwave v2 (Nightforce)
3 - Storm Shadow v1
4 - Hit 'n Run v1
4 - Hawk v2
4 - Cobra Commander v1
4 - Snake-Eyes v2
5 - Crimson Guard v1
"Snake-Eyes v.2--there is a reason that this version remains the definitve
Snake-Eyes and Snake-Eyes the accepted icon for joe."
- Kowalski
"Hit & Run-All camo, cool eyes, and a sweet duffle bag/grappling hook.
What more could you want?"
- Takedown
"Cobra Commander, version One (swivel arm). The epitomy of what Cobra
is, was, and always SHOULD be is in this figure. Faceless, bold
(big snake symbol on chest, bright color) and imposing.
20 years of toys, but I still can't see any other figure being better than this one."
- Sidewinder
"I love them all. Well, no I don't, but I'm not
qualified enough to say."
- Diana M
"Well thats easy! No wait, no it isnt!"
- Scramble
MINDBENDER : Another win for snake-Ey... Hey, waitaminute !
DUKE : Every year, this is the closest race, and for the first time,
Snake-Eyes has lost ! I think I might just have a beer !
MINDBENDER : Not you too.....
The "The definitive Joe" award for best good guys figure ever !
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Stalker v1
1 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
1 - Tunnelrat v1
1 - Flint v1
1 - Mercer v1
1 - Duke 12" v1
1 - Tiger Force Sneak Peek (Int. exclusive)
1 - Duke 1992
1 - Duke 2000
1 - Repeater
1 - Storm Shadow v2
1 - Airborne
1 - Dialtone v1
1 - Scarlett v4 (Wave 2)
1 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Gung Ho v2
1 - Shipwreck (Wave 4)
1 - Mutt v1
1 - Crazylegs v2 (Nightforce)
1 - Joe Colton
1 - Blowtorch v1
2 - Shipwreck v1
2 - Outback v1
2 - Shockwave v2 (Nightforce)
2 - Hawk v2
3 - Falcon v1
3 - Snake-Eyes v3
4 - Alpine
5 - Hit 'n Run v1
6 - Snake-Eyes v2
"Duke v 1 My 12" Duke V1. He's 12 inches. Yeah, ladies,
12 inches of pure real American boyscout poster boy fun."
- Diana M (There are so many things wrong with this.....-ed)
"Storm Shadow V2, I just loved the camo pattern."
- Zedhatch
"Snake Eyes v3. Missing Timber, but still the best Snake Eyes figure around.
He lost the funky goggles that never made sense (shoot me) and went back
to a style more like the original, only cooler. Then he had great
accessories to boot."
- Notpicard
DUKE : One minute he's down, the next he's right back up again !
MINDBENDER : I'd be more concerned about that Duke comment. *shudder*
DUKE : Hey, a man's gotta have his fans !
The "Bad to the Bone" award for BEST bad guys figure ever !
1 - AVAC
1 - Eels v1
1 - Cesspool
1 - Firefly v3
1 - Cobra (trooper, 1983)
1 - Xamot v1
1 - Road Pig v1
1 - Cobra Commander (Battle Corps)
1 - Destro v1
1 - Ripper v2
2 - Storm Shadow v1
2 - Night Viper
2 - Destro v2
2 - Cobra Commander v2 (Hooded)
2 - Viper v1
3 - Scrap Iron
3 - Firefly v1
3 - Cobra Commander v1
4 - BAT v1
5 - Crimson Guard v1
11 - Zartan v1
"Zartan (Followed closely by Alley-Viper V.1 - Yes, I know it
doesn't count.)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Gold Noggin Destro"
- Hooper_X
"Cobra headquarters, they lowered the lights, put on some groovy music, put
Destro on a gimble, aimed a spot at his head, and spun him around. And
that's why they call him "Mr. Atmospere." "
- Diana M
"Cobra Commander, version One. Two words: Battle Helmet. Hasbro,
take note of those two words please..."
- Sidewinder
"Zartan v1. Soooo much play value. I just wish they had made more masks.
And I always suspected that chest plat and leg pads came off for more
disguises they decided not to include. But an awesome toy that is hard to
surpass."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : Not bad for a guy that turns into a Smurf in sunlight.
DUKE : How does Cobra Command function anyway with all the envy
and backstabbing ?
MINDBENDER : Whenever we need to assign blame or work out
our frustrations, we take it out on lower ranked personell. It helps if
they dress funny.
Duke looks at Mindbender for a moment.
MINDBENDER : LOWER personell.
DUKE : Speaking of whipping boys.....
The "Waste of Plastic" award for WORST FIGURE EVER !
1 - Sci-Fi v1
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Sneak Peek v1
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
1 - Bulletproof
1 - Effects
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Duke v1
1 - Ripper v1
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Windmill
1 - Toxo-Viper v1
1 - Toxo-Zombie
1 - Blast Off
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Serpentor v1
1 - Deep Six v1
1 - Big Boa
2 - Rumbler
2 - Zartan v2
4 - Robo Joe
4 - Raptor
7 - Golobulus
8 - Crystal Ball
"Ripper V1 - Why is his head SOOOO HUGE ???"
- Sentimental Zombie
"Zartan v2. Going ten years without a Zartan was bad enough, but getting
stuck with this mohawked ninja Zartan was a stake through the heart."
- Scramble
"Any wearing a codpiece"
- Cabanajack
"Day-Glo ninja horror"
- Diana M
"Battle Corps Muskrat. Poor old Swamp Fighter got saddled with a
piss-poor mold, blinding colors, and a big-ass helmet-mounted missile
launcher...yikes."
- General Hawk
"Rumbler - Holy Peach Pants batman!"
- Dasaffe (That's Pantsman, son.... -ed)
"Rumbler... good God... peach pants? Why??"
- Divine shockwave ( You people are obsessed -ed)
"Robo-Joe--what did Joe fandom do to deserve this?"
- Kowalski (Complain about pants too much ? -ed)
"Golobulus (Oh, goodie, a figure that just lays there since you can't
stand him up.)"
- Beav (Must....Resist....Joke.....Family......Show...... -ed)
"Manimals. All. Got them on discount at KB not too long ago....not only
are they the worst Joes ever. They are among the worst action figures
I have ever owned."
- Brian McCabe
DUKE : Wow ! Close race this year !
MINDBENDER : Yeah, Crystal Ball is on the virge of being dethroned !
DUKE : But let it be said that our side has its stinkers too. So......
The "Why Hasbro, why ?" award for WORST good guys figure ever !
1 - Bazooka v1
1 - Sci-Fi v1
1 - Bulletproof
1 - Zap v1
1 - Armadillo
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Effects
1 - Deep Six v1
1 - Hot Seat
1 - Lifeline v1
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Frostbite (Wave 1)
1 - Skidmark
1 - Windmill
1 - Dojo
1 - Tracker
1 - Budo v1
1 - Recoil
1 - Taurus
1 - Clutch v2 (Mega Marines)
1 - Gears
1 - Fastdraw
1 - Maverick
1 - Cover Girl
1 - Rapid Fire
1 - Cross Country v1
1 - Storm Shadow v5
1 - Supertrooper
2 - Duke v1
2 - Clean Sweep
2 - Ice Cream Soldier
3 - The Fridge
3 - Sneak Peek
3 - Rumbler
3 - Robo Joe
"Rumbler. Nice pants, loser..."
- Dinine shockwave (And the obsession continues -ed)
"Duke v1 (just realized this year that he's wearing Boy Scout colors,
and I hate the Boy Scouts)"
- John M (It's because of people like you that boy scouts dye their hair -ed)
"Storm Shadow v5. Not for any other reason than he should not have been a
good guy. Storm Shadow's evil dammit!"
- Sidewinder (would you people PLEASE try to remember that Stormy's
EVIL!? Thanks go to the 3 people that will get the joke ! -ed)
"Taurus - He got an enormous head too..."
- Sentimental zombie
"Recoil. I have a deep hatred for this flat-faced piece of useless. I dont know
what drives my truculence towards him, but I think the GI Joe line would have
been much stronger if Recoil had never shown his Battle Force 2000-reject
face."
- Scramble
"Mercer v2 (they gave him a beard and changed his name for crying out loud!)"
- Daniel Alexander (Remind me to introduce you to some '97 figures -ed)
MINDBENDER : Quite a tie we have here ! Judges !
HAWK : Hmmm. I think Sneak Peek and Rumbler are out. After all,
they are regular Joes.
CC : So that leaves a cyborg or a football player.
HAWK : I've got two words for you : Football Stick !
CC : Agreed !
DUKE : The Fridge wins it !
The "This is how bad bad can get" award for WORST bad guys figure ever !
1 - Shock-Viper v1
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Toxo Viper v1
1 - Toxo-Zombie
1 - Armor-Tech Destro
1 - Heat-Viper v2
1 - Bio Viper
1 - Eels v2
1 - Pimp Daddy Destro
1 - Cobra CLAWS v1 (Wave 1)
1 - Make-Your-Own-Cobra
1 - Ripper v1
1 - Cobra Commander v4 (Red faceplate)
1 - Night Creeper v2
1 - Serpentor
1 - Zartan v2
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Headman v1
1 - Firefly v2
2 - Big Boa
2 - Cyber Viper
2 - Monstro Viper
3 - Raptor
8 - Crystal Ball
9 - Golobulus (And enough spelling variations to make the entire cast of
Sesamy Street vomit in terror.... Where did they go wrong with you people ? -ed)
"Eels V2, there are worse paint jobs, but on this mold it looks really bad."
- Zedhatch
"Monstro-Viper (I'm more blinded than scared of that thing....)"
- Phillip Donnely
"Headman. Trust me, it's the worst. Real drug dealers have
better taste in clothing."
- Diana M
"Pimp Daddy Destro...It is hands down just the worst Joe figure I've
seen. The worst thing is that I know if I ever had the chance to get one,
I'd pee my pants with excitement."
- Notpicard
MINDBENDER : CRYSTAL BALL LOSES !!!
DUKE : Un-be-lievable ! What an upset !
CRYSTAL BALL (from the audience) : YES !! In your face, plant-spike guy !
DUKE : Well, now we come to the "vroom vroom" departement !
The "I own one that's fullscale !" award for BEST VEHICLE EVER !
1 - Cobra STUN
1 - Dreadnock Thunder Machine
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - HISS II
1 - VAMP Mk I
1 - Dragonfly
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Cobra Rattler (airplane)
2 - Phantom X-19
2 - Night Attack Chopper
2 - Rolling Thunder
2 - Cobra Stinger Jeep
3 - Moray Hydrofoil
4 - Night Raven
5 - Tomahawk
6 - Skystriker
7 - WHALE hovercraft
8 - HISS (original)
"Skystriker. I want one. Now. I'm waiting"
- Diana M
"H.I.S.S. Tank. Simple, tough, classic."
- Sidewinder
"There is something special about the HISS. Its design helped shape the
feel of the Cobra forces for me. It represents the type of hardware Cobra
uses perfectly. And it was used extensively in the comic and cartoon I think
because of this. Its originality benefits the entire GIJoe line."
- Notpicard
DUKE : Score one for the bad guys....
MINDBENDER : Don't be so glum ! I have a feeling your side will get
the next one !
DUKE : Well duh...
The "Sturdy construction" award for best good guys vehicle ever !
1 - Conquest (1998 TRU version)
1 - APC
1 - Warthog
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Night Rhino
1 - Desert Fox
1 - AWE Striker v1
1 - HAVOC
1 - Wolverine
2 - Mauler MBT
2 - Phantom X-19
2 - MOBAT
2 - Rolling Thunder
2 - Dragonfly
3 - Night Attack Chopper
3 - WHALE hovercraft
4 - VAMP Mk I
7 - Tomahawk
12 - Skystriker
"Warthog (Weird choice, eh?)"
- Beav
"Defiant"
- Notpicard/Marijn (That's a playset -ed)
"Skystriker. Several jets came after it, but none measured up to me.
This is the ultimate heroic vehicle."
- Sidewinder
DUKE : I've flown quite a few of those !
MINDBENDER : Everybody has flown a few of those.
DUKE : Hey, somebody wrote a "Skystrikers for Dummies" book, now
even Junkyard can fly one !
The "Evil on wheels" award for best bad guys vehicle ever !
1 - Claw
1 - Rage
1 - Sea Ray
1 - Dreadnock Thunder Machine
1 - Crimson Attack Tank (CAT)
1 - Pirana
1 - Hurricane VTOL
1 - STUN
1 - HISS II
1 - HISS III
1 - HISS IV
2 - Condor
2 - Stinger Jeep
5 - Moray Hydrofoil
7 - Night Raven
10 - Rattler (airplane)
15 - HISS (original)
"The RattlerRemember when Cobra actually seemed to be a
threatening military force?"
- Kowalski
"Hydro-Foil (big red boat)"
- Jeremy Watts (Thanks for the clarification -ed)
"Rattler, great mold, great scale, great details (too expensive)"
- Dasaffe
MINDBENDER : The classic ! Imitated, what, four times now ?
DUKE : Five, if you count the Septic Tank.
MINDBENDER : Imitated four times already, ladies and gentlemen !
The "Even bigger waist of plastic" award for WORST VEHICLE EVER !
1 - Barracuda
1 - Cobra Stiletto
1 - Destro's Dominator
1 - Cobra Ferret
1 - Fort America
1 - SLAM
1 - Bomb Disposal
1 - Swampfire
1 - Radar Rat
1 - Attack Cruiser
1 - Patriot
1 - FANG III
1 - Cobra Septic Tank
1 - Cobra Sea Ray
1 - Ninja Force Piledriver
1 - Dreadnock Cycle
1 - Road Toad
2 - Cobra Battle Barge
2 - Cobra Pogo
2 - HISS IV
2 - Triple T
6 - Cobra RAT
6 - Cobra Earthquake
6 - Buzz Boar
"Cobra Rat. Way too simple design. Really cheap underside. Other water
vehicles you can have Joes swim up to from underneath. Not the Rat."
- Notpicard
"That four wheeler. The handlebars controlled the guns.
Great. How do they steer, by the power of positive thinking?"
- Diana M (Uhmm. The Ferret ? -ed)
"I forgot its name! It was an ugly, ugly, red Cobra "jet" that seated one
person, and was overall a piece of plastic loosely made into a crappy vehicle.
It could easily be split into halves, top and bottom... if you know which it is,
or can make a fair assumption, please fill in the answer for me. Sorry."
- Divine Shockwave (Uhmm.... The Stiletto ? -ed)
"Earthquake- Thanks goes to Gemini Matrix for showing me this and helping
me make the decision NOT to be a completist. "
- Ann G
"Triple T (What was the POINT? Dinky guns, open cockpit... a
suicide mission for the Sarge?)"
- Tim Frankovich
"Would be from the 90's, lol, pick one"
- Jeremy Watts
"Any of those wind-up packs"
- KennyD
DUKE : Tie Time !
HAWK : All Cobra vehicles.....
CC : Yes, yes.... Let's get on with it.
HAWK : Two words : Neon bulldozer.
CC : I.... have no counterpoint.
MINDBENDER : The Earthquake wins !
DUKE : Ahhh.... The early nineties. What WERE we drinking ?
The "Used to test ammo" award for worst good guys vehicle ever !
1 - Ninja Lightning
1 - Assault Quad
1 - GIJoe Sailboard
1 - Tank Car
1 - Wind-up cycle three-wheeler
1 - Armor Bot
1 - Beast Blaster
1 - Bomb Disposal
1 - LCV
1 - SLAM
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Assault Quad
1 - Rolling Thunder
1 - Tri Blaster
2 - Patriot
2 - Barracuda
2 - HAVOC
3 - Radar Rat
3 - Eco Striker
3 - Desert Apache
4 - Road Toad
4 - Fort America
5 - Triple T
"Barracuda, that sub is just awful!!!!"
- Jon S
"HAVOC . This is an empty shell of a vehicle, gimmicky, confusing (just
where does the driver sit?) and falls apart the minute you put it together"
- Scramble
MINDBENDER : Seems fitting.
DUKE : How's that ?
MINDBENDER : The triple T ! Slaughter just sits there, with no
protection, waiting for the bullets to hit him ! Good things none
of our troops can shoot straight !
DUKE : Like your side is any better ! What about that gunner seat for
the HISS IV ?
MINDBENDER : That's reserved for troopers Cobra Commander
REALLY doesn't like.
The "Bad don't begin to describe it !" award for worst bad guys vehicle !
1 - Invader
1 - FANG III
1 - Man-O-War
1 - Stiletto
1 - Destro's Dominator
1 - Swampfire
1 - Imp
1 - Jetpack
1 - Sea Ray
1 - HISS IV
2 - FANG II
3 - Battle Barge
3 - Septic Tank
4 - Earthquake
4 - Pogo
6 - Buzz Boar
10 - RAT
"Man O War, that sub is just awful!!!! "
- Jon S (I'm beginning to see a pattern here -ed)
"The pogo. It looks like fun, but I wonder how many Vipers
threw-up test driving it. (if, you know, COBRA were..uhhh..real and all)"
- Diana M
"Rat... the quality of that vehicle would embarrass sweatshop workers"
- Sharpshot
"Cobra Rat (Never owned one, but looks monumentally stupid...)"
- Tim Frankovich
DUKE : I suppose the name doesn't help either.....
MINDBENDER : We drive things called MAGGOTS. Trust me, names
mean nothing to us.
DUKE : And now for something completely obvious....
The "FLAGG" award for best playset ever !
1 - GIJoe HQ (2001 version)
2 - Tactical Battle Platform
2 - Mobile Command Centre
3 - Defiant Complex
5 - GIJoe HQ ( original)
16 - Cobra Terrordrome
22 - USS FLAGG
"Terrordrome . Unlike the GI Joe HQ, this was a fully enclosed base of
operations, armed all around, and still chock full of play value."
- Scramble
"USS FLAGG!!! DUH!"
- Phaylon ( Indeed -ed)
"USS Flaggevery other vehicle/playset in the history of toydom is the
USS Flaggs bitch."
- Kowalski
MINDBENDER : Why do we even bother ?
DUKE : Looks like Timmer's gonna have some thinking to do for next year !
The "I just spend 300$ on this piece of...." for WORST playset ever !
1 - Cobra Rifle Range
1 - Mortar Defense Unit
1 - GIJoe HQ (original)
1 - General
1 - Bivouac
1 - Fort America (Hmmm. -ed)
2 - GIJoe HQ (2001/2002 version)
3 - Mobile Command Centre
5 - Streetfighter HQ
5 - GIJoe HQ (1992 version)
5 - Toxo Lab
8 - Cobra Missile Command Headquarters (Sears exclusive)
"01 HQ (this answer would be the 91 HQ, but Hasbro had to go and make
it AGAIN!)"
- John M
"Rolling Joe/Jawa fortress suckfest. Whatever it was called."
- Diana M (The Mobile Command Centre -ed)
"Cobra Missile Hq thingy - The old cardboard thing, I had this for about an
hour before it tore up and my parents trashed it. "
- Wowboy
"cardboard cutout thing"
- Alex A
"Eco-Warriors Septic Tank "
- Jon S (That's..... not a playset. Mayhaps you mean the Toxo Lab ? -ed)
MINDBENDER : I thought it was cool....
DUKE : Well, maybe next time, they'll build a toy that doesn't break
when you play with it. Or when you touch it... Or when you sneeze
near it.... Or when....
MINDBENDER : I get the point.
DUKE : Back to the figures !
The "what a lick of paint can do!" award for best figure repaint ever !
1 - Tiger Force Hit 'n Run (Int. exclusive)
1 - Tiger Force Dusty
1 - Lampreys v3 (2000)
1 - Dusty (2000)
1 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
1 - Mission Brazil Wetsuit
1 - Crimson Viper (Convention exclusive)
1 - Viper v7
1 - Tomax and Xamot v2
1 - Python Patrol Copperhead
1 - Python Patrol Cobra Officer
1 - Night Force Tunnelrat
1 - Night Force Falcon
1 - Sub Viper
1 - Snow Serpent v3 (mail-in)
1 - Baroness v2 (1997 TRU)
1 - Missions Brazil Leatherneck
1 - Ace - 1998 TRU
1 - Tiger Force Duke
1 - Cobra Commander (Wave 1.35)
1 - Listen and Fun Tripwire
1 - Tiger Force Tripwire
1 - Alley Viper (Blue version, 2002)
1 - Viper (Wave 2, Blue visor)
2 - Tiger Force Outback (Int. exclusive)
2 - Tiger Force Flint
2 - Python Patrol Viper
2 - Cobra Commander v6
3 - Night Force Crazylegs
4 - Shock-Viper v1
10 - Night Force Shockwave
"None! The originals are where it's at!"
- Tim Frankovich
"The Sci-Fi that became the 2002 Laser Viper"
- KennyD (Nice try -ed)
"Cobra Commander v6. Got rid of the silly talking backpack and made a
black costume for CC all at once."
- Notpicard
"Night Force Shockwave. Damn, this figure was cool. Shockwave himself
worked on his own, until Night Force Shockwave came out
and out-bad asses the original."
- Scramble
DUKE : Beach Head sure is a great guy !
MINDBENDER : Beach Head ?
DUKE : I'll let you in on a little secret. Shockwave is really just
Beach Head wearing a silly hat....
The "What the hell happened to YOU!?" award for worst figure repaint ever !
1 - Skullbuster
1 - Slice v3
1 - TARGAT v2
1 - Mission Brazil Mainframe
1 - Scarlett v3 (1997 TRU)
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 5) (Hehehe -ed)
1 - Tiger Force Blizzard (Int. exclusive)
1 - Tiger Force Dusty
1 - Tiger Force Tripwire
1 - General Hawk (Mail in)
1 - Beach Head v3
1 - Sonic Viper
1 - Wild Bill (Funskool)
1 - Night Creeper Leader v2
1 - Pimp Daddy Destro
2 - Duke (Wave 1.35)
2 - Cobra Commander - 1997 TRU
2 - Tiger Force Frostbite
2 - Tiger Force Duke
2 - Listen and Fun Tripwire
2 - Tiger Force Lifeline
2 - Python Patrol Crimson Guard
3 - Road Pig v2
4 - Interrogator v2
4 - Rapid Fire (Supertrooper in green neon)
"That Baby-S*it colored Duke from 2002"
- KennyD
"Do mixed parts count? Breaker v2 (1997) Looks like Hawk to me.
That was acceptable in 1982, but they could have had unique heads in 1997."
- Notpicard (Sorry -ed)
"Neon Eco Warrior Flint"
- Rock-Viper (That's a remold -ed)
"Python Patrol Crimson Guarda senseless act of vandalism."
- Kowalski
"V2 Interregator. What the HELL happened here?"
- Hooper_X
"TF Frostbite-Cant see me. Ive got snow cam..Oh wait"
- Takedown
MINDBENDER : We're in tie country again !
HAWK : I find this count a little unfair.
CC : Why's that ?
HAWK : Well, Rapid Fire is perhaps a repaint of a previous figure,
but he IS a brand new character. Interrogator isn't.
CC : any chance to put my side down, huh ? Fine...
DUKE : Interrogator v2 is the winner !
The "What an improvement !" award for best figure remold ever !
1 - Roadblock v4
1 - Cobra Commander -Talking Battle Commander
1 - Cutter v2
1 - Duke 1992
1 - Stalker v2
1 - Ace v2
1 - Airborne (Sky Patrol) (Uhmmm... -ed)
1 - Wild Bill v2
1 - Lifeline v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Rock 'n Roll v2
1 - Alley Viper v2
1 - Shipwreck v2
1 - Sgt. Slaughter v3
1 - Scarlett v4 (wave 2)
1 - Mercer v2
1 - Dusty v3
1 - Duke v11 (Wave 4)
1 - Deep-Six v2
1 - Beach Head v2
2 - Roadblock (Star Brigade, orange)
2 - Metal Head v2
2 - Snake Eyes v3
2 - Law v3
2 - Snake-Eyes (Wave 3)
2 - Shockwave DEF
5 - Hawk v2
8 - Snake-Eyes v2
"I took a Ninja force Snake Eyes and a lit blowtorch, and a few minutes later it
was the BEST remold ever. Ninja stealth blob. Lemme see you ninja mind
set your way outta that one, buddy-boy."
- Diana M
"Sgt. Slaughter v3. This took the silly concept of a wrestler turned GI Joe and
made him a practical and appropriate military figure. And to boot, he came
with a removable hat."
- Scramble
"All right, I'll give in... '85 Snake Eyes."
- General Hawk
DUKE : Guess who's back....
MINDBENDER : Back again....
DUKE : Let's stop before this turns into a music number....
MINDBENDER : Thank you, while I have a shred of pride left.
The "Plastic surgery gone wrong" award for worst figure remold ever !
1 - Heavy Duty (Wave 1)
1 - Armor-Tech Heave Duty
1 - Hawk v3
1 - Stalker -Talking Battle Commander
1 - Muskrat v3 (Battle Corps)
1 - Leatherneck v4 (2001) (Yeah, new head -ed)
1 - Barbeque v3
1 - Outback v3
1 - Muskrat v3
1 - Rock 'n Roll v5
1 - Gung Ho (Wave 1)
1 - Storm Shadow v3 (Ninja Force)
1 - Beachhead v2
1 - Firefly v5 (Wave 2)
1 - Firefly v2
1 - BAT v2
1 - Duke v9
1 - Beach Head v2
1 - Snake-Eyes v4 (Ninja Force)
1 - Cobra Commander v3 (Battle Armor)
2 - Flint (Battle Corps desert version)
2 - Destro (Wave 1)
2 - Grunt v2
2 - Zartan v2 (Ninja Force)
3 - Armor-Tech Duke
3 - Scarlett v2 (Ninja Force)
3 - Night Creeper v2 (Ninja Force)
4 - Eco warrior Flint
"Grunt v.2--a flat-top you could serve a tv dinner on, a "shrunk in the laundry"
shirt, and tight yellow pants. A heartbreaking travesty."
- Kowalski
"Destrothe one weve been getting for years"
- Alex A (???? -ed)
"You know, I never really thought the molds were the problem..."
- Phillip Donnely
"93 Muskrat - Four words: Head-Mounted Rocket Launcher"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : hehehe. He looked great in neon green !
MINDBENDER : Weren't you in a subteam with a Borg ?
DUKE : I..... shut up. Besides, ever see your second figure ? *does a
Mindbender voice* "I am Bendutus of Borg, resistance is futile".
MINDBENDER : OK, OK.
The "Made in Belgium" award for best international exclusive figure ever !
1 - Tiger Force Spyche-Out (Europe)
1 - Cobra Mortal (South-America)
1 - Glenda (Scarlett repaint, South-America)
1 - Cobra De-Aco (South-America)
1 - Glenda (South-America)
1 - Flying Scorpion (South-America)
1 - Spirit (Europe)
1 - Mutt & Junkyard (Europe)
1 - Super Cop (Funskool, India)
1 - Torpedo (Funskool, India, yellow and black)
1 - Major Bludd (China)
1 - Tiger Force Shipwreck (South-America)
1 - Tiger Force Flint (China)
1 - Tiger Force Tunnelrat (Europe)
2 - Red Laser (Red Cobra Commander, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Hunter (Black Uniform Cobra officer, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Quarrel (Scarlett repaint, Action Force, Europe)
2 - Tiger Force Hit 'n Run (Europe)
4 - Cobra Satan (Red Stormshadow, South-America)
9 - Tiger Force Outback (Europe)
"Don't know. Don't care."
- Tim Frankovich
"Super Cop! He's the best cop of all!"
- Hooper_X
"Quarrel (More women! More, I say! Hey, don't look at me like that.)"
- Phillip Donnely
MINDBENDER : Age before beauty, I suppose...
DUKE : Now, I've dyed my hair more than Kelly Osbourne, but even I
have never gone for white...
MINDBENDER : Maybe it's the big tiger face on the chest that does it.
The "Made in Elbonia" award for worst international exclusive figure ever !
1 - Zartan (Funskool, India)
1 - Desert Scorpion (Funskool, India)
1 - Tracker (Funskool, India)
1 - Satan (South America, red Storm Shadow)
1 - Wild Bill (Funskool India)
1 - General Hawk (Funskool India)
1 - Superhero (Funskool India)
1 - Felino (South-America)
1 - Hit 'n Run (Brazil)
1 - Biosfera (Eco Sneak Peek, South-America)
1 - Super Cop (Funskool, India)
1 - Shimik (South-America)
2 - Skydiver (Funskool India)
2 - Cobra De-Aco (South-America)
2 - Lifeline (Funskool, India)
3 - Cobra Mortal (South-America)
3 - Tiger Force Blizzard (Europe)
4 - Cross Country (Funskool, India)
"Exclusive Mexican rip off figures"
- Diana M
"any of the Funskool repaints "
- Marc De Ruiter
"Piss Yellow Blizzard"
- Prozac
"Funskool Cross Country (But "worst" in a good way, to me at least.)"
- Beav
"Mario Cross Country (recent Funskool mold with chrome weapons)"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : Poor Cross Country.
MINDBENDER : Funskool : showing us things can always be worse.
DUKE : Still those Crimson Guard Immortals were a blessing !
The "Flag point FLAGG" award for best mail-in exclusive ever !
1 - The Fridge
1 - Snow Serpent v3
2 - Sgt. Slaughter v1
4 - Supertrooper
4 - Ninja-Viper
5 - Steel Brigade Trooper
5 - Joseph Colton
10 - Starduster
10 - Hooded Cobra Commander
"Steel Brigade. I have gotten more play time out of mine than any other
mail-away figure."
- Sidewinder
"Ok, the mail in Duke. Look, I KNOW there was a version in stores
that was sort of exactly identical, but it was different when you had to
MAIL in to get him. It made him all special. Especially since my mother
refused to let me get him."
- Diana M ( Nice try -ed)
MINDBENDER : Looks like yet another tie !
HAWK : I suppose you don't wanna vote for Starduster ?
CC : You suppose correctly.
HAWK : Like I'm gonna vote for you....
CC : Flip a coin ?
HAWK : OK.
DUKE : Ladies and gentlemen, Starduster is the winner !!
MINDBENDER : Once again we get shafted....
The "Not if you send money with it" award for worst mail-in ever !
1 - Windchill v2
1 - Ninja-Viper
1 - Dee-Jay v2
1 - GIJoe Reservist (2002)
1 - Joe Colton
1 - Steel Brigade
1 - Steel Brigade, version E
1 - General Hawk, yellow space repaint
2 - Sgt. Slaughter v1
4 - Create-Your-Own-Cobra
5 - Interrogator v2
7 - Supertrooper
14 - The Fridge
"Ninja-Viper, if only 'cause I can never find one!"
- Phillip Donnely
"mail-in Interrogator. Man, what a drastic drop in awesome."
- Hooper_X
"Create-a-magenta-cobra"
- Dasaffe
DUKE : The football-stick did him in again !
MINDBENDER : Let's not forget that the figure isn't exactly a true-
to-life likeness.
Duke simply looks at Mindbender's chest.
MINDBENDER : Shut up.
The "Give them their own series" award for best subteam ever !
1 - Crimson Guard ( Uhmmmm.... -ed)
1 - DEF
1 - Star Brigade
1 - Eco Warriors
1 - Headhunters
1 - Slaughter's Renegades
2 - Sky Patrol
3 - Python Patrol
3 - Iron Grenadiers
4 - Tiger Force
15 - Dreadnoks
16 - Nightforce
"Tiger Force. El Fuerza del Tigre. Grrrrr.. Guys can get a lot of chicks
with that name, I'll bet. "Hey baby, I'm member of Tiger Force. Come
back to my room and let me demonstrate." "
- Diana M
"Dreadnoks. Easy. They offer a style different from the rest of the line
while adding great humor to the comic. They are just generally cool"
- Notpicard
"Dreadnoks-The wrecking crew, Nuff Said."
- Zedhatch
"Night Force, the best color schemes for sure."
- Sidewinder
DUKE : Wow ! Close race !
MINDBENDER : Just goes to show, every ballot counts !
DUKE : I wonder if the Dreadnoks will be dissappointed...
Backstage, we see Zartan using all his force to keep a door shut.
ZARTAN : I think *mmpf* they're taking it quite well ! Whoever came
in the Night Rhino might wanna move it though....
DUKE : that's not even a Night Force vehicle !
MINDBENDER : Close enough for them....
The "Paging Mr. SAW-Viper" for worst subteam ever !
1 - Dreadnoks
1 - DEF
1 - Cobra-La
1 - Mission Brazil
1 - Mega Marines
1 - Slaughter's Marauders
2 - Slaughter's Renegades
2 - Sky Patrol
2 - Streetfighter II
2 - Armor-Tech Star Brigade
3 - Star Brigade
3 - Tiger Force
4 - Battle Force 2000
5 - Ninja Force
5 - Python Patrol
14 - Eco Warriors
"Street Fighters. Liked the game. Liked having some figures.
Shouldn't have been Joes."
- Notpicard
"Tiger Force - what practical purpose could they possibly serve?
And they paved the way for all sorts of ridiculousness with Python
Patrol and Slaughter's Marauders"
- Wowboy
"Street Fighter II (Hasbro attempted to jump the bandwagon,
but missed, fell off the wagon, and got run over by the wheels)"
- Phillip Donnely
"Sky Patrol. You take something, make it really shiny, and expect
people NOT to shoot at it. Yeah, right"
- Diana M
"Eco-Warriors (Blast em with your water cannon Ozone!) "
- Takedown
MINDBENDER : Ah yes. Flint pretending to be Captain Planet.
DUKE : Hey, the only blue guy in the line was Zartan.
MINDBENDER : Do not even try to change the subject, Hauser. We've
got neon, we've got water-squirters, we've got bandwagoning !
DUKE : All right all ready.
The "Summer of 69" award for best GIJoe year ever !
1 - 1982
1 - 1988
1 - 1994
1 - 2002
2 - 1983
2 - 1989
3 - 1987
4 - 1990
6 - 1984
7 - 1986
24 - 1985
"1990. Interrogator, Rampart, Bullhorn, and Updraft, and a whole new
direction for GI Joe. Not too many figures produced that year,
a return to focusing on specialty-specific accessories.
GI Joe could stand alone on this year"
- Scramble
"2002,We got some of the greatest figures ever...and they are just going to
get better!"
- KennyD
"1985 -Flint, Shipwreck, Lady Jaye, Mauler, Tactical battle platform, Flagg,
Need I say more?"
- Zedhatch
MINDBENDER : This was a bit before my time.
DUKE : And a bit after mine. And before. And I think I was a mail-in then.
MINDBENDER : Yes, flaunt your multitude of figures, why don't you.
DUKE : Just giving the audience what it wants, Duke-o-plenty !
(From the audience) DIANA M : YEAH !
The "annus horriblis" award for worst GIJoe year ever !
1 - 1986
1 - 1998
1 - 1990
1 - 2000
2 - 1982
2 - 1991
2.5 - 2002
4 - 1997
5 - 1987
7 - 1992
10 - 1994
11 - 1993
"1992 (Hellllllooooo Ninja Force)"
- Beav
"1993. Bad accessories. Too many figures. Most new figures were
just new upper halves with old legs."
- Notpicard
"1993-TOOO many repaints and the vehicles looked like fisher price."
- Zedhatch
"2002 but really only around wave 1"
- Alex A (That's half a vote then..... -ed)
"1994. Star Brigade and Shadow Ninjas, need I say more?"
- Takedown
"1981 those straight arms were just more than I could bare. "
- Daniel Alexander (Uhmm.... Joes started in 82, my friend -ed)
DUKE :*singing* When I was ten, it was a very good year.....
MINDBENDER : Ten ?
DUKE : Yeah, I was ten in 1993, chronologically speaking. So in
2003, I'm twenty ! Just one more year and I can buy beer !
MINDBENDER : You're kidding me .
DUKE : Nope; why do you think we drank so much Joe cola in the day !
The "With working flamethrower" award for best gimmick ever !
1 - Spy Troops
1 - Zartan's mask
1 - Destro's chrome mask
1 - Molded-on gun holsters
1 - Subteams
1 - Combat Pay
1 - Dragonfly rotor rotation
1 - Sound attack vehicles
1 - Repaints
1 - Knives that fit on backpacks
1 - Head-mounted rocket launchers
2 - Color change (generally)
4.5 - Spring-Launching Missiles
10 - Swivel-Arm Battle Grip
16 - Color Changing (Zartan family)
"I LIKED the spring-launched missiles "
- Jon S
"Collect them all"
- Cabanajack
"Spring launched missiles when they were done right."
- Chris J (OK, that's half a vote then -ed)
"Lots of original, non-tree inclusive, small accessories (common in 1990)"
- Rockhammer
"I hate gimmicks"
- Various
"spring loaded missiles..still fun to shoot at my little sister "
- Ann G
"Strong characters with appropriate accessories "
- Scramble
"Everything about Zartan - color change, face mask, Chameleon"
- Tim Frankovich (First one counts -ed)
"Zartans manly color changing chest and mask. "Hey,
is that Zartan?" "No, the clothes are his, but that's some guy with
a beard and a different colored chest." "Oh, OK." "
- Diana M
MINDBENDER : He didn't do so bad for a guy who's action feature is
turning into a smurf....
DUKE : He also shoots genetic superbeings in the head with an arrow !
MINDBENDER : Don't remind me.... Months I worked on Serpentor, and
then, in a few seconds, blam.
DUKE : Maybe you should have given him an helmet instead of that cowl.
The "now fully edible" award for WORST gimmick ever !
1 - Detonator foam launchers
1 - Zartan color changing
1 - Tomax/Xamot psychic connection
1 - Camo paint inserts
1 - Sound backpacks
1 - Ninjas
2 - Eco Warriors
2 - Neon colored weapons
2 - Helmet-mounted missile launchers
3 - Color changing
4 - Ninja moves (Ninja Force)
4 - Water guns
7 - Play-doh armor (Mega Marines)
10 - Spring-firing weapons/missile launchers
10 - Sound attack weapons (2002)
" "Kids like neon" "
- Cabanajack
"sound attack...only because it is useless if you don't |
