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TheFlaggs
The 2000 Flaggs

Cause knowing is half the battle !

Notes :
- All my comments and the hosts' comments are not to be taken seriously.
- All characters appear in their original uniforms, except for Scarlett,
who's wearing only a smile.... (Kidding) Now that you have that image in your
head :

______________________________________________________

The tune for the second season opener begins, we hear YO JOE!!

We see the planet earth, a blue dot comes from behind the left side, a red dot
comes from behind the right side, slowly getting closer and growing larger.

View shifts to the big Cobra head flying fortress getting blown up.
- Fade to close-up of the cover of Special Missions 1
- Fade to 6 Skystriker flying towards the camera, then going upward
- Fade to close-up of Cobra Commander getting shot in the back by Fred
- Fade to Capitol Hill, in flames, with Serpentor changing into the Cobra symbol
from "arise, Serpentor, Arise"

The 2 dots grow larger, revealing them to be the GIJOE logo and the Cobra
symbol, they are getting closer together

View shifts to the frontpages of yojoe.com, the Bivouac, the MARS page, The
Eagles nest, Warflight's tips page, and several others, appearing at one-second
intervals....
- view of several collections, with rows after rows of figures, and a wall covered
with MOC figures
- view of 4 USS Flagg's with Defiant shuttles on them

Finally, we see the end of the cartoon opening titles, with a bunch of Joes on
several vehicles raising their fists in that familiar manner, we fade back to planet
Earth where the Joe and Cobra logos come together, the red Cobra symbol
behind the Joe logo.
Below them fades in :

The First annual

FLAGGS

Cause knowing is half the battle !

The symbols and title fade, we zoom in on earth, untill we get to an huge, fancy
building. At the doors, a Crimson Guard and a marine in dress uniform each open
one half of the doors. We enter a giant room with a huge podium, on wich are two
illuminated flights of stairs, with above them a banner with the words "The Flaggs"
superimposed over the Joe and Cobra logos.

We get a shot of the audience, revealing them to be an awfull lot of Joes, nameless
Cobra troops, several high-ranking Cobras, and a bunch of Joe fans....

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the first
ever FLAGGS!! Celebrating almost two decades of G.I.Joe : A Real American
Hero !
Here is your host : Timmer !!

......... Alas, nothing happens, the cameras pointing at the top of the stairs, reveal
nothing.... From the left of the stage, we see Warflight come out a door, whistling,
and taking his seat in the audience.....

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen, apparently, Timmer has suffered a mild
case of..... *wispering* what? *loud again* food poisoning. *wispering again* at
least make it somewhat believable, fer crying out....

Backstage, we see Timmer lying tied down, with a gag in his mouth, near a football
stick.....

ANNOUNCER : Fortunately, we've found a last-minute replacement host! Would
you please welcome..... COBRA COMMANDER !!!

Cobra Commander appears on top of the stairs, we hear murmuring from the
audience, followed by applaus, nevertheless....

COBRA COMMANDER : Greetingssss , Ladiessss and gentlemen, my fellow
Cobras, my worthy opponents, our loyal fansssss, and welcome to this special
event, where we honor all things that make Cobr... err I mean G.I.Joe great! I have
prepared a few words for this occasion.....
*produced a large stack of papers*
When I first thought about starting a global terrorist organisation, I had to consider many factors, the first five.....
ANNOUNCER : Get on with it!
CC : Mother?
ANNOUNCER : No, I'm the guy that's suppose to announce people, and makes
sure things go SMOOTHLY......
CC : Oh, so now what do I do?
ANNOUNCER : Just use the papers they gave you.....
CC : (shuffles papers) ah yessss..... Here is a list of all people who took part in the
FLAGGS voting this year *under breath* I still say they should have been called the
hooded globes....
CC : "...."
ANNOUNCER : Well ?
CC : I don't have that lisssst ! It's not here!!
ANNOUNCER : Oh for the love of..... Read the footnotes......
CC : Ah yes.... "point to big screen" it says.....

A huge video screen descents from above

CC : Good... and here are the people who participated in the voting!

Ironman
John M (gijoe@aol.com )
Tung 717
Shan Barret
Law
Aaron Marcum
Evilface
Tim Frankovich
CobraAvitar
Jhett
Karsten Krahe (VIPER)
Dzirhan
General Hawk
Jason Dickson
Sharpshot
Starduster72
Bear
EagleEyeJoe
Eugene Son
Fastdraw
Joystick
Josh O
Michael Senger
Airtight (Marvlostoys)
Warflight
Metal Head (Corey Stinson) (ooookay...-ed)
G.I.Trekker (Thomas Wheeler)
G-pac
Lord Maul
MacDowin
Timmer (yes, I get to vote too -Editor)


CC : Wow, not bad for a first time! Now, let's get on with the show!
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE : Finally!
CC : *to somebody off stage* Get that guys ID! Anyway, here to present the
awards in the CARTOON category : SPARKS and GREENSHIRT ! Greenshirt?
What the.....??

Cue music, the closing tune from "The Revenge of Cobra". Sparks and a generic
looking Joe, with a green shirt and helmet each walk down their respective stairs...

SPARKS : Yaahooo ! Great to be here folks! It's been a long time !
Greenshirt just waves.
SPARKS : Come on, bud, you can talk too, can't ya?
GS : Yeah, but they generally don't let us say much....
SPARKS : so what do you do?
GS : We generally just run around a lot, and hold mirrors that blow up...
SPARKS : That's though.....
GS : Yeah, I'm just glad I was on GIJOE and not "Star Trek". I have a cousin who
worked there, and he had a LOT of horror stories....
SPARKS : Uhmmm OK.... what do you say we present the first award?
GS : Sure!

The "If only there was an Oscar for this" award for best cartoon episode ever :
(Editor's note : first we see all the nominees+votes before the winner)

1 vote - Eye for an Eye
1 - Jungle Trap
1 - Cobrathon
1 - The Gamesmaster
1 - Gery Hairs and Growing Pains
2 - There's no place like Springfield, part 1
2 - Once upon a Joe
2 - Sink the Montana
2- The Viper is coming
3 - Worlds Without End part 1

5 - MASS Device part 1

"The Viper is coming. Just a fun, memorable episode that stuck with me as a kid"
- Jason Dickson

"Once upon a Joe. You can't beat the funny versions of the Joes hitting the plane"
- Michael Senger

"Mass Device.... Gotta love Doc and the asbestos underwear."
- John Missal

( I guess I should have been clearer on the form, best episode ever was for single
episodes only, not mini-series or two-parters, so those weren't allowed. Several
people have send replies like this tough... So I had to make a decision, I couldn't
just ignore all those votes, so when somebody voted for a mini-series or 2 parter
here, I picked part one of those as best episode ever. - Editor)

SPARKS : YAHOOOO ! And the winner is : The MASS Device part one!!
GS : Yeah, guess you can't beat the first, huh?
SPARKS : Hey, ya can't mess with a classic!
GS : Funny, I don't see any DiC episodes up there AT ALL !
SPARKS : Well, there's probably a good reason for that.... Besides, THEY get to
shine right now!

The "Best of the Worst" award for best DiC episode ever :

1 - Victory at Volcania
1 - The Greatest Evil
1 - Cobras in Jail (??? what's the ep called? -ed)
1 - Mercer, with Slice, Vs. Metalhead (again, HELP! - ed)

5 - Operation Dragonfire, part 1

"I don't think there WAS a "best ep" of the DiC.... but if I HAD to choose, I'd still
have to say it was a MASK ep, or something....."
-Warflight (missing the point here -ed)

"None" -Eugene
(I had quite a few of these answers, don't count though -ed)

SPARKS : YAHOOO ! Another landslide victory ! And again, the first miniseries!
GS : Yyyeah.... Say, Sparks, why to you yell "yahoo" so much?
SPARKS : Hey, it's what little characterization I got, so gimme a break!
GS : YOU'RE complaining about characterization? How'dya think I feel?? I've
talked more here tonight then I have in 19 years!
SPARKS : OK, so we both got the short end of the stick, let's make someone else
feel bad with the next award!
GS : Uhmm... I don't think you CAN make a cartoon ep "feel" bad, but OK !

The "Alan Smitthee" award for worst Sunbow episode ever

1 - Funhouse
1 - Storm Shadow gets Excalibur (ep title?? -ed)
1 - the one with operation : KISS (again ?? -ed)
1 - the one where they made the Dinos (??? part 3 -ed)
1 - Grey Hairs and Growing Pains
1 - Cold Slither
1 - Iceberg goes South
1 - Glamour girls
1 - Red Rocket's Glare
1 - Second Hand Emotions
3 - Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent

4 - The Spy Who Rooked Me

"None. I liked them all but if I knew the title of the last Sunbow episode,
I would vote for it."
- Jason Dickson ( "The Spy who Rooked Me" according to yojoe.com, congrats,
you not only voted, but broke the tie! -ed)

"Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent. Described on his filecard as a "decisive fast
thinker with all the instincts of a natural survivor", Bazooka completely disproves
that in this inane twenty-two minute slop, which begs the question : "How the hell
did Bazooka make the team anyway!??!?" "
- General Hawk (he filled out the form on the back of a cereal box -ed)

GS : Wow! That one was close! Almost a tie!
SPARKS : Yeah, but is it right to have an author who doesn't know the episode
names?
GS : Uhm, Sparks? I think it's that kind of talk that caused your stint with the Joes
to be so brief....
SPARKS : Uhm.... ON WITH THE SHOW!!! YAHOOOOO !

The "Comic Book Guy" award for WORST EPISODE EVER!


1 - Operation Dragonfire, part 1
1 - Worlds Without End, part 1
1 - Chunnel
1 - Revenge of the Pharaos
1 - Red Rockets Glare
1 - The thing with the laughing gass at the end (Hector Ramirez ep. HELP! -ed)
1 - The one where Storm Shadow finds Excalibur (Heeelp -ed)
1 - Cold Slither
3 - Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent

6 - Kindergarten Commandoes

(Dis) honorable mention : Anything by DiC - 3 votes

"Worlds Without End (yup, I'm sure this is the only vote for this episode, but I
thought it was stupid : )"
- Joystick (You were correct! -ed)

"Kindergarten Commandoes -Cobra Commander tries to take over an elementary
school classroom and the kids attack him. Gimme a break"
-Thomas wheeler (Maybe he got tired of taking over the world, and wanted to start
smaller? -ed)

"The "all" in parentheses should be changed to "all DiC" nuff said"
- John Missal

SPARKS : DiC takes the award by a landslide!
GS : I guess "suspention of disbelief" only goes so far, huh?
SPARKS : Hush, mirror-boy....
GS : Kinda surprising, CC getting his butt handed to him by kids makes sence
to me.....
(offstage) CC : HEY! GET ON WITH IT!
GS : OK, OK..... Sheesh....

The "Sean Connery IS Bond" award for best characterization in the toon

1 - Covergirl
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Flint
1 - Serpentor
1 - Snow Job
1 - Zartan
1 - Beach Head
1 - Hawk
2 - Destro
4 - Cobra Commander
4 - Duke

5 - Shipwreck

"Wetsuit/Leatherneck duo"
- Marvlostoys (difficult to decide, isn't it, they're always together -ed)

"Destro, he was just EVIL!"
-Warflight (uhm....yeah, I think that was the point -ed)

"Covergirl, Dumb Blond"
-John Missal (It's because of people like YOU that blondes dye their hair -ed)

GS : Wow, the closest so far, 2 runners up! I'm sweating!
SPARKS : It was a 3-way tie till the very last form we counted !
GS : Well, we've seen the best, now let's see the REST!
SPARKS : Lame, buddy, lame......

The "Janeway" award for worst characterization in the toon

1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Snake Eyes
1 - Lady J
1 - Hawk
1 - Hawk (DiC)
1 - Leatherneck
1 - Steeler
1 - Metal Head
1 - Falcon
1 - Mr. C (?? -ed)
2 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Serpentor
3 - Bazooka

4 - Cobra Commander

"Most of the unpopular Joes"
- CobraAvitar (Well, at least it's better than "those dudes I don't like" -ed)

"Bazooka, Dumb Hick, wich he was not"
- John Missal ( It's because of people like YOU that dumb hicks dye their hair -ed)

"Cobra Commander! They should NOT have made him a whiner! "
-Warflight (whining about it won't help *grin* -ed)

SPARKS : Ouch.... Cobra's august leader does NOT come off well here!
CC : (running onstage, knocking down the greenshirt) I DEMAND A RECOUNT !!
I WASSS *MUCH* BETTER THAN THAT BUFFOON, SERPENTOR!!
SPARKS : Easy there, mister! The people have spoken!
CC : SEE??? Democracy simply doesn't work!
GS (getting up) : Hey, how come you sounded like your cartoon self a minute ago,
but normal now?
CC : You guys are lucky, only appearing in the toon. The rest of us have a split
personality, shifting from toon, to comic, to even filecard sometimes.....
ANNOUNCER : Ahem.... there are some people who'd like to see a few more
awards, guys.......
CC reluctantly walks off, mumbling something about "rigging"
SPARKS : OK, here we go again!

The "Mini is Maxi !" award for best mini-series!

2 - The Revenge of Cobra
4 - Pyramid of Darkness
5 - Arise, Serpentor, Arise

11 - MASS Device

GS : The biggest landslide yet !!
SPARKS : I'll say.... Still, not really a surprise, it won "best episode" too....
GS : True, true.... Let's go to the mini-mini series now !

The "Best of Both Worlds" award for best two-parter!

1 - Flint's Vacation
1 - Captives of Cobra
2 - The Traitor
3 - There's no Place like Springfield

11 - Worlds Without End

SPARKS : Well, we're breaking records here tonight ! An even bigger landslide!
GS : By 8 votes, people love a mirror universe!
SPARKS : Yeah....Where Cobra rules *grumbling* I don't trust this audience.....
GS : *looks around* Yeah.... Let's hurry it up.....

The "Snake-Eyes ain't gonna win" award for best voice in the cartoon!

1 - Serpentor
1 - Flint
1 - Scarlett
1 - Copperhead
1 - Zarana
1 - Duke
2 - Zartan
6 - Cobra Commander

7 - Destro

"Snake Eyes! (kidding) Actually, Zartan just SOUNDED Evil !"
- Warflight (uhm...yeah. I think that was the.... Oh, forget it... -ed)

"I'm going to avoid the obvious (Cobra Commander) and say Arthur Burghardt
as Destro. Deep, powerful , and malevolent.
- Thomas Wheeler (Congratulations! You cost CC the award! - ed)

GS : Now THAT was a close race!
SPARKS : Absolutely, it came down to the very last form counted! CC and Destro
were slugging it out, but good !
GS : And CC ain't gonna be happy with Thomas, you can count on that!
(offstage) CC : Where is he? WHERE IS HE????
SPARKS : Next up, the oher side of the coin!

The "Urkel" award for worst voice in the toon!

1 - Lady Jay
1 - Lt. Falcon (DiC)
1 - Clutch
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Cross Country
1 - Serpentor
2 - Major Bludd
2 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Destro
2 - Firefly
3 - Bazooka

4 - Cobra Commander

"Lt. Falcon in the "Greatest Evil" two-parter (DiC -ed) I know that they couldn't get
Don Johnson back, but who was the ex-surfer they hired to voice him, for God's
sake!?" - Thomas Wheeler (Warflight? -ed)

"Major Bludd! WAS HE SMOKING HELIUM!?! "
- Warflight (Smoking helium? That would be a neat trick. -ed)

SPARKS : Another close call !
GS : Amazing, coming second in "best voice" AND coming first in "worst voice".
SPARKS : Must suck to be him.....
GS : Well, now we get to da BIG ones !

The "Fred Flintstone" award for FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER!

1 - Roadblock
1 - Horrorshow
1 - Torpedo
1 - Beach Head
1 - Scarlett
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - Destro
1 - Flint
1 - The Viper (The Vindow Viper -ed)
2 - Dusty
3 - Duke
3 - Shipwreck
3 - Zartan

5 - Cobra Commander

"I dunno, maybe Scarlett? She wasn't all that different from the comic version,
except she fell for Duke instead of Snakes."
- Jhett (well, replace "fell for" Duke with "drooling all over" Duke and yer right - ed)

"Cobra Commander, who was the heart of the show"
- Starduster ( Awwww.... I'm getting tears in my eyes now..... - ed)

"Torpedo ! He just acted like a party animal! "
- Warflight (That cold fish?? -ed)

GS : Well, people sure were devided over that.....
(offstage) CC : YESSSSS !! IN YOUR FACE DUKY !!!
SPARKS and GS : Duky?????
SPARKS : Ahem, well folks, our time here is almost up, just one more award to go!
GS : Right you are, and this one is gonna be a doozy !

The "Wheelie" award for LEAST favorite cartoon character!

1 - Lt. Falcon
1 - Spirit
1 - Headman
1 - Lady Jaye
1 - Roadblock
1 - Flint
1 - Duke
1 - Shipwreck
1 - Bazooka
2 - Dr. Mindbender
2 - Tomax and Xamot
2 - Metal Head
2 - Sgt. Slaughter

3 - Serpentor

"Loooooootenant Falcon"
- John Missal (Doooooly noted -ed)

"Any of the powerpuff girls"
- Cobraavitar ( Oooookay.... -ed)

"The Crimson Twins. And no, they have to count as "least favorite character"!
Because how do I pick which one is worse??"
- Jason Dickson ( Good point actually. -ed)

SPARKS : Looks like "This I command" did him in, huh?
GS : And here I thought we wouldn't speak ill of the dead..... Oh well.....
SPARKS : Yes, Serpentor joins the ranks of such greats as Wheelie,
Scrappy Doo and Poochie !
GS : What an honor!
SPARKS : Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is up, hope we entertained you!
GS : Yup! Hope to see you soon !!!

Cue closing theme from "Revenge of Cobra", Sparks and Greenshirt exit, stage right.

Cobra Commander re-enters the stage.

CC : Hope you enjoyed the first part of the show, and I'm happy to see so many awards
go to Cobra personnel ! Well, we must push on!
(from the audience) Evilface : Damn right!
CC : OK, well, I'm proud to introduce our guest hosts for the next part of the show :
Our very own BARONESS and SPID...... HUH? SPIDERMAN???

Cue theme music from the old Spiderman toon "spiderman, Spiderman, does
whatever a spider can.....
The baroness (with a bemused look on her face) and Spiderman walk down their
stairs. (with apologies to Toyfare -ed)

BARONESS : Hi everybody
SPIDERMAN : Hi Dr. Nick!
B. : Uhm... yes.... I know why I'M here, Timmer said I was created specifically for
the comic, and yet they made a figure based on me...But why are YOU here?
SP : Hey, I'm part of the same univere! GIJoe crossed over with the Transformers,
the Transformers crossed over with me , issue three, if you'll recall, so I belong
here! Besides, I'm a Comic Icon, baby!!
B : But...people were specifically asked to forget issue three of the transformers!
SP : Tough, I'm here to stay !
B : When I get my hands on Ti..Ahem.... Fine, can we present the first award then?
SP : Fine by me, gorgeous!
B : Oh brother.....

The "Stan Lee" award for Best issue ever! (all series)

1 - Dusty recounts Neak Peak's death
1 - #47
1 - #45
1 - #109 (7 Joes die in the desert)
1 - Snake Eyes & friends resque Stalker & friends from the Gulag
1 - #22 (Like Chimney Sweepers Come To Dust)
1 - Spesh Mish 9 (Plausible Denial)
1 - #43 (Crossroads)
1 - #26 (Snake-Eyes : The origin part 1)
3 - #50 (The Battle of Springfield)
4 - #155 (A letter from Snake Eyes)

6 - #21 (Silent Interlude)

"I think it has to be Silent Interlude for three reasons :
1. It was just an overall great story
2. It was innovative in that it was silent
3. It revealed for the first time the exciting link between Storm Shadow and
Snake Eyes." - Corey Stinson

B : So, an issue where I get my butt handed to me wins.....Great.....
SP : I can't believe it ! An entire issue without text ! I make my living on witty
remarks!
B : Not doing so well then, huh?
SP : I..... Shut up!
B : Ooooh! That's witty.... Anyway, here's the next award, darlings!

The "GIJoe/My Little Pony crossover" award, for worst issue ever!

1 - First appearance of Raptor
1 - Firefly unmasked
1 - #1
1 - #69 (Into the breach)
1 - #100
1 - #135
1 - #150 (Snake Eyes Vs. Cobra Commander)
1 - #152
1 - #153
1 - #154
2 - #88 (Python Patrol)
2 - #119
2 - #155

3 - Ladies Day (Spesh Mish)

"#135 (beginning of the end)"
- Evilface

"#119 -- The beginning of the end"
- Sharpshot (you two wanna fight this out? -ed)

"Regular series #119. Guest Writer Herb Trimpe shows that there is
a reason why he is an artist and not a writer. The painful one-liners
and horrific coloring job just add to the misery"
- General Hawk

"Sorry, can't help you here. Most of those with the sub-title "Starring
Snake Eyes" were less than great, though."
- Jhett

" #155 Not a bad issue itself, but it signified the end of my favorite
comic book series. "
- Jason Dickson (that's probably why it got 2 votes -ed)

B : So the last issue ranks high in both best and worst.... Nice united
fanbase we have.....
SP : Looking at the title of the winner..Don't these people like girls?
B : We'll get to that later..... Let's just do the next award.....
SP : And here I thought a woman in an all-leather outfit was gonna be fun....

The "SPECIAL special mission award" for the best....uhm Special Missions
issue....

1 - #9 (plausible denial)
1 - Regular #50 (Best defence) Sneak peak at Spesh. Mish.

6 - #1
6 - #2 (Words of honor)

B : WE HAVE A TIE !!!
SP : (deadpan) hoooray.... Now what?
B : It goes to the JUDGES!!!!
SP : Aren't you getting a bit overexcited about all this??
B : (ignoring Spiderman) Let's go to the judges!

A spotlight comes to life, shining on a table just in front of the stage.
Behind it, we see Hawk, Destro and Judge Judy.

HAWK : Well, quite a difficult problem here... #1 of a series, always
a classic, versus #2 a quite touching story.
DESTRO : Both have a twist at the end, but I feel #2 is more dramatic.
JJ : Want me to flip a coin?
HAWK : Nah, I agree with Destro, let's go with #2 !

ANNOUNCER : The winner of Best Special Missions issue is : #2 !!

BARONESS : Let's hope we won't get too many of those!
SP : Why not, gives ya a chance to drool over your pim..errr I mean
Destro!
B : You should talk, I saw you eye Judge Judy!
SP : She reminds me of my aunt, is all....
B : Ewwww... NEXT !

The "Oh, this is a surprise" award for worst Special Missions issue!

1 - #27
1 - #28
3 - #26

9 - #24 Ladies Day

"#26, only because the Oktober guard was killed. "
- Various (Sniff. I still miss Horrorshow -ed)

"Don't remember the number. The crappy one with the Baseball teams,
and the girl Joes and Crystal Ball fer crying out loud!"
- General Hawk (surprisingly, you voted for "Ladies Day" -ed)

"Ladies Day. Lousy plot, lousy art, lousy characterizations and CRYSTAL
BALL!!! Ugh....." -Tim Frankovich

SP : Told ya! These guys hate women!
B : I think they hate Crystal Ball more.....
SP : I mean, COME ON ! 4 women in cheerleader outfits! What more do
you want??
B : A decent story, believeability....
SP : Maybe it was the choice of women? I mean, "Silent interlude" won best
issue, and you appeared in your underwear there! Rowrrrr.....
B : God help me...... Next award.. PLEASE!

The " Just an" award for best comic series!

1 - Order of Battle
5 - Special Missions

16 - Regular

"Order of Battle : )"
- Josh O (Smileys are SO important -ed)

"Regular, duh"
- Warflight ( So it seems... -ed)

B : No real surprises here, though Special Missions put up a pretty
good fight.
SP : Nobody voted for my comic.....
B : Uhm..... You really don't have a clue, do you?
SP : Maybe I'll pick up the next award!
B : THIS I would like!

The "Bambi's mother" award for best comic death!

1 - Soft Master
1 - General Flagg
1 - Breaker
1 - Thunder
1 - Candy
2 - Doc
2 - Mangler
2 - Serpentor
4 - Kwinn

5 - Sneak Peek (and countless spelling variations -ed)

"Thunder, finally"
- Josh O (??? that's not what I meant.... -ed)

"I assume you mean the least pointless death, in which case I would
choose Doc." - Aaron Marcum

"SERPENTOR! THIS I COMMAND!!!"
-General Hawk (actually, he never said that in the comic -ed)

"Sneak Peek-- it was the only death tastefully done"
- Sharpshot

B : Well, a close race, but Sneak Peek has been honored here.....
SP : We miss ya, little buddy.....
(From audience) SNEAK PEEK : I'm right here!!
B : Yup, we sure miss him.....

The "Tasha Yar" death for worst death in the comic!

1 - Serpentor
1 - Maverick
1 - Darklon
1 - Mauler
1 - Dr. Venom
2 - Cobra Commander (?? ohhh not sure if this counts -ed)

5 - Doc


"Serpentor (although it was about time they offed this genetic
abnormality)" - John Missal (it's because of people like YOU that genetic
abnormalities dye their hair! -ed)

"All the duds in the Cobra boat. They just sort of disappeared and were
later reported as KIA. Come on! I felt nothing for them!
- Jhett (Actually, a surprising number of them crawled out -ed)

"Any Cobra Soldier death, all these hardened soldiers get blown away to
easely" - Evilface ( You cheered when BF2000 got killed, didn't you? -ed)

"Maverick- Okay, the rest of BF2000 I can understand, but why would he
be piloting the Vector down close to the ground with the rest of them
instead of participating in the air war up above?"
- Tim Frankovich

B : Doc sure was one loved medic.....
SP : Hey, Cobra Commander didn't do so bad either, considering he's
alive!
B : Like people never come back from the dead in YOUR comic.
SP : Point taken..... Now let's see how McFarlane DOESN'T win the
next award hehehe.....

The "Michealangelo" award for best comic artist!

1 - Larry Hama (??? -ed)
1 - T. McFarlane
1 - Rick Leonardi
1 - Ron Garney
1 - Mike Zeck
1 - Mike Vosburg
2 - Herb Trimpe

6 - Rod Whigham


"Larry Hama. He was the artist who created the stories.... (not the intent
of the question, sue me)"
-John Missal (OK, I will -ed)

SP : Told ya Todd wouldn't win!
B : What do you have against him anyway?
SP : Using my trademark pose to draw Snake Eyes..... Just wait
till I see him again.....
B : Uhm... OK *under breath* egomaniac.... *normal* On to the next award!
SP : And we get to hand out the big ones now!

The "Will Crystal Ball win?" award for favorite comic character!!

1 - Wild Bill
1 - Kwinn
1 - Flint
1 - Ripcord
1 - Clutch
1 - Hawk
2 - Zartan
3 - Storm Shadow
3 - Destro
3 - Cobra Commander

4.5 - Snake Eyes

"Snake Eyes. He rocked and, when not being over-ninjaized, was the
go to guy." - Jhett

"Snake Eyes, but only in earlier issues, when he wasn't so overused..."
-Warflight (Fine, I'll give him half a vote then -ed)

B : A clear winner, despite Timmer getting cute with the voting.....
SP : Yes... My nemesis wins.....
B : Nemesis??
SP : Can I vote for him in the next category??
B : NO!

The "Spiderman clone" award for least favorite comic character!

1 - Dr. Biggles-Jones
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Duke
1 - Buzzer
1 - Road Pig
1 - Cesspool
1 - Ninja Firefly
1 - Storm Shadow
1 - The White Clown
1 - Raptor
1 - Fred
1 - Lady Jay
2 - Crystal Ball
2.5 - Snake Eyes

3 - Billy


"Dr. Biggles-Whatever......silly name"
- John Missal (it's because of people like YOU that..oh, foggeddit... -ed)

"The white clown, and if I could pick Magda, too, I would!"
- Jason Dickson (too bad -ed)

"Crystal Ball (hey, he was in one issue, he counts!)"
- Timmer

"Fred the bastard"
- Josh O (didn't you cry when he died? -ed)

"Raptor.....no, Fred, no, The bird brain gets my vote....."
- Bear

"Snake Eyes, but only in later issues when he was over used"
-Warflight (Again, half a vote -ed)

B : Closest contest possible!
SP : Yeah, and EXTREMELY fishy if you ask me.....
B : People are awfully devided over this one.
SP : Yes..."Who do I hate more?" *cough* Snake Eyes *cough*
B : *whispering* just two more award..just to more awards.... *loud* ON
WITH THE SHOW!

The "Oddessy" award for best story arc!

1 - The Kwinn/Venom/Snake-Eyes saga
1 - Issue 6 and 7
1 - Sierra Gordo
1 - Headman in Broca Beach
1 - Stalker etc. captured and rescued in Borovia
1 - The first Springfield arc (early teens)
1 - Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes invade Cobra Island
2 - Snake-Eyes, the Origin
2 - Trucial Absymia war

9 - Cobra Civil War

B : One stands out here! The Cobra Civil War!!
SP : See a pattern here?
B : Huh?
SP : Well, an issue with you in your underwear won best issue, and now,
a story arc with you tied up on a HISS tank wins this award! First selective
nudity, now bondage ! You go girl !!
B : Ahem..... (spots someone in the audience) What were you saying about
Snake Eyes?
SP : THAT WIMP! Thinks he's so tough, Captain Invinceble, I'd show him a....
All of a sudden, Snake Eyes leaps from the audience, and lands a flying kick
on Spiderman. Spidey crashes against the wall and is faced with Snakes,
advancing on him with his sword drawn....
SP : Crap in a hat ! This Spider's gonna fly!
Spiderman crawl up the wall, and dissapears through a window.....
B : Thank God for that.... Guess I'll just present the last award myself.....

The "Maximum Clonage" award for worst story arc ever!

1 - Serpentor's birth
1 - Hawk, Wild Bill etc. escaping Sierra Gordo
1 - Star Brigade
1 - Brainwashed Destro, Zartan etc.
1 - Cobra Civil War
1 - Serpentor's life
1 - Snake Eyes dressed as Flint
1 - Captives in Borovia
3 - Transformers G2
3 - Battle of Bhenzeen


7 - Maximum Ninjage (Just put these in one pile -ed)

B : Sing with me... Too many Ninjas... With guns in their hands... Too
many nin-injaaas..... Ahem.... Well, my time here is up, the comic has
been dissected, ranked and examined..... The conclusion, according
to spiderman, is that you are all perverts..... Bye!!
SP : (from afar) Bye!

Cue music as Baroness walks of the stage

Cobra Commander re-enters.

CC : I could say many things about the last category, but sufficed to say,
any story arc that kills of that usurper, Serpentor, deserved to win in my
book! Now we come to a..... painfull section, for me at least, of the awards.
So I'm not going to waste any time.... For the *shudders* Movie section, here
are your hosts, MERCER and PROWL !! *under breath* Prowl?? this is
getting more stupid by the minute....

The opening theme from the Movie plays, we see Mercer reluctantly come
down the stairs, being pushed by two Vipers. Prowl drivers onto the stage in
police car mode, then transforms.

MERCER : Hi folks..... I'm here to present the awards in the MOVIE category.
Yes, yes, I'm as thrilled as you are.....
PROWL : Hehehe..talk about short end of the stick.....
MERCER : And WHY is there a transformer here??
PROWL : Two reasons ; for one, since this is so obviously ripps of the
TRANNIES, and, most importantly, YOU KILLED ME!!!!!
MERCER : Say wha...?
PROWL : You heard me! It's a well known part of Transformer history that
since Duke was allowed to die in the movie, OUR movie also got to have
death... Make that CARNAGE!!! AND THEN THE TWIT LIVED!!!!!
MERCER : Hey, i don't think we can be held....
PROWL : Did you SEE the horrors in our movie?? It's all YOUR fault!!
But now I'm gonna EVEN the SCORE ! *pulls out laser rifle*

All of a sudden, Prowl is hit with an electrical charge
ANNOUNCER : AHEM.....
PROWL : Or maybe I'll just present the first award.....

The "Spock dies" award, for best movie moment!


1 - Rawhides training
1 - Renegades introduction
1 - Slaughter kicking Nemesis' ass
1 - "Whoever heard about being shot by a salad?"
1 - Terrordrome infiltration (by Renegades)
2 - "Wassss once a maaan......"
4 - Duke's death/get's stabbed ( borderline here -ed)

17 - The opening theme /sequence

MERCER : Seems like the opening sequence gets the most votes seen yet
in the FLAGGS.
PROWL : Yeah... *giggle* Sad, isn't it?
MERCER : Shut up, death-bot....
PROWL : I mean, you'd be hard-pressed to find ANY movie that's acclaimed
for ONLY it's opening sequence......
MERCER : Let's just get on with it.....

The "Old Yeller dies" award for worst movie moment!

1 - Cobra Commander and Roadblock together
1 - Training with Beach Head
1 - Falcon lets Zarana enter the base
1 - Chuckles riding the Tomahawk
1 - Snake Eyes gets his butt kicked by a Royal Guard
3 - Duke pulls through!
5 - Everything but the opening sequence
6 - All of Cobra-La

7 - Cobra Commander mutates



"Spores" - Tung (?? I assume you mean when used on CC -ed)

"Anytime Big Lob talked"
- Marvlos ( that's not a moment : ) -ed)

"Lt. Falcon letting Zarana in the base- How dissappointing for Lt. Falcon....
All respect lost for this character"
- G-pac

PROWL : SEE? You people hated it too when someone get's killed off!
MERCER : Mutated.....
PROWL : Same thing, he was gone, wasn't he?
MERCER : Hrmpf.... then explain why people hated it when Duke lived.....
PROWL : All us bots in the afterlife hated that too...Exception proves the rule!
MERCER : Moving on......

The "Mini-Me" award for best character in the movie!

1 - Nemesis Enforcer
1 - Duke
1 - Hawk
1 - Roadblock
1 - Jinx
1 - Chuckles
1 - Cobra Commander
2 - Beach Head
2 - Law
2 - Pythona
3 - Falcon
3 - Tunnelrat

5 - Sgt. Slaughter


"Nemesis Enforcer -- "ug" Gotta love his quotes"
-John Missal (I bet you liked Chuckles too then -ed)

"Sgt. Slaughter! (I KNEW a guy JUST like that!)"
-Warflight (And you lived?? -ed)

PROWL : Sgt. Slaughter????? A WRESTLER???
MERCER : HEY ! That was my mentor !! GREAT guy!
PROWL : If you say so.... Notice that you didn't get a single vote?
MERCER : Neither did you!
PROWL : Yeah, but.... but..... Oh, forget it.....

The "Wheelie- part 2" award for worst movie character!

1 - Crimson Twins (?? -ed)
1 - Nemesis Enforcer
2 - Chuckles
2 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Falcon
6 - Golobulus (and a hell of a lot of spelling variations -ed)

11 - Big Lob


"The football guy. Wasn't he in there?"
- Jhett (I think you mean the basketball guy, not the Fridge -ed)

"Big Lob. No explanation necessary"
- Jason Dickson

"Serpentor, but only when he would say "Cobra-lalalalalala"
- warflight (that doesn't even deserve half a vote -ed)

PROWL : Does this constitute a landslide?
MERCER : For Big Lob, it DOES.....
PROWL : OK then....
MERCER : Mercifully, no pun intended, we now present the LAST award....

The "Justifiable murder" award for character that should have died in
the movie, but didn't.

1 - Snake Eyes
3 - Sgt. Slaughter
5 - Big Lob
5 - Serpentor

7 - Duke


"Big Lob, the rest of the Joe Team"
-Cobraavitar ( OUCH - ed)

"Duke. It was totally pathetic that they changed it, I didn't really want him
dead but they should've stood by the original plot."
- Jason Dickson

PROWL : HERE HERE

"I don't know that anybody SHOULD have died, but I wouldn't have been
adverse to seeing Falcon, tunnelrat, Jinx or any of the Cobra-La dudes
croak." -Jhett (Uhm....That's half the cast..... -ed)

"The person who thought up "Cobra-La" They should have animated the
guy, and let him be eaten by fatal fluffies!"
- Warflight

MERCER : Kinda surprising, you'd expect that the worst character would
win this too!
PROWL : Unique situation, I guess. Duke did die, but he got better....
MERCER : Well, I derive a significant amount of pleasure from telling you
now that our time is up ! I'm outta here!
PROWL : Have a safe evening, humans...except you, Duke.

Cue the closing theme from the movie, as Prowl transforms and exits,
stage left, while Mercer walks of to the right.

CC : I'm glad that's over...... Now, let's get to the TOYS!!! Time to find out
if there IS such a thing as a favorite figure! And here to present the awards
in the TOY category : DUKE and the DREADNOCKS!

Cue music "I am a Real American", Hulk Hogan's old theme plays. Duke
walks down the stairs, alone.....

DUKE : Heh, cute, Timmer, cute..... But where are the dreadnocks?

Zartan walks onto the stage from the right.

ZARTAN : The dreadnocks are having an uhm....philosophical discussion.
(heard from backstage) RIPPER : COMIC
TORCH : CARTOON
BUZZER : COMIC
MONKEYWRENCH : CARTOON
ZARTAN : So I'll take their place as your co-host, Duke.
DUKE : OK, let's not wait another second!

The "They're baaack!" award for best NEW figure (2000 series)

1 - Wild Bill
1 - Snake Eyes
1 - Chameleon
1 - Gen. Tomahawk
1 - Cobra Commander
2 - Law
2 - Lampreys
4 - Dialtone
5 - Dusty
5 - Firefly

7 - Undertow


"Dialtone. Looks like the original team"
- Shan Barret (plus others that said variations on this)

"Dusty. this dude rocks, even if he doesn't look much like a desert
trooper." - Jhett

DUKE : Looks like a clear cut winner, no landslide though.....
ZARTAN : They love their troop builders! Face it, Duke, Cobra rules!
DUKE : We'll see.... And looks like every figure got a vote, except....
ZARTAN : We're getting to that....

The "And yet, it wasn't neon orange" award for worst new figure!


1 - Firefly
1 - Snake Eyes
2 - Cobra Commander
2 - Thunderwing
4 - Gen. Tomahawk
4 - Dialtone
5 - Chameleon

11 - Storm shadow


"Snake Eyes because of that stupid G.I.Joe logo on his leg."
- Aaron Marcum

"Tomahawk.... Did someone throw up on him?"
- Sharpshot

"Baron..err...Chameleon (Not a bad figure, but the concept sucks)
- Bear

ZARTAN : Ninja Force is NOT forgotten.....
DUKE : Yeah, remember your PANTS???? BWHAHAHAHA
ZARTAN : I'll deal with YOU later....

The "Why doesn't my store have MORE?" award for best new vehicle!

3 - Mobat
5 - Man-O-War

22 - Locust

"MOBAT (Ok, it isn't great, but its a tank, and I'm not allowed to vote
for the HISS) - Bear

DUKE : Joes One - Cobras - Zero
ZARTAN : Only because that twerp, Timmer, didn't allow the HISS III in yet.
DUKE : Excuses, excuses....

The "My store has TOO MANY of these" award for worst new vehicle!

9 - Mobat

19 - Man-O-War


"That Dam tank"
- Ironman (A tank that attacks dams? That transforms into a dam? Help
me out here! -ed)

"COME ON!?! THERE WERE ONLY THREE!"
-Warflight (Hey, blame Hasbro, not me! -ed)

DUKE : Now THAT'S a landslide!
ZARTAN : Well, there were only 3 choices, and let's face it, a missile-
firing mini-sub with sinking action isn't very collectory.....
DUKE : Guess you're right.... Kids might love it though.
ZARTAN : Now we come to the BIG one, don't we?
DUKE : Yup, I can't wait....uhm...so I won't !

The "Perfection, thow hath a name" award for BEST FIGURE EVER!!

1 - Alpine
1 - Big Ben v1
1 - Outback v1
1 - Hit & Run
1 - Freefall
1 - Battle Corps Cobra Commander
1 - Destro v1
1 - Destro v2
1 - Destro v3
1 - Headhunter Stormtrooper
1 - Tunnelrat v1
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Gung Ho v2
1 - Leatherneck v1
1 - Firefly v1
1 - Eels v1
1 - Snow serpent v1
1 - Snake Eyes v1
2 - Flash
2 - Zartan v1
2 - Crimson Guard v1
3 - Cobra Commander v1

4 - Snake Eyes v2

"Tunnelrat v1. I've just always been fond of him. He was cool when I was
a kid and had bad taste (I liked Sci-Fi v1 and Lightfoot v1) and he's
cool now that I'm an adult and have better taste."
- Jason Dickson

"Snow Serpent v1 I have always preferred the artic stuff. His accesories
were good, and he was fully covered, which could only be a good thing
when it's 60 below." - Bear

"V1 Cobra Commander...but only because of the back pack that his gun
fit it!" - Warflight (???? -You mean the gun fit in his back? -confused ed)

"Head Hunter Storm Trooper (hey, this one is HARD! : ) )"
- Lord Maul

ZARTAN : Almost too close to call..... So much for the idea of a universal
favorite figure!
DUKE : Yes... And yet... My rival wins...the third party in this cross-dimensional
love triangle that.....
Zartan is looking at Duke with an "he's lost it" expression on his face.
DUKE : Ahem.... Let's continue, shall we?

The "REAL American Hero" award for best good guys figure!

1 - Armadillo
1 - Tunnelrat v2
1 - Falcon v1
1 - Short-fuse
1 - Barbeque
1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Leatherneck v1
1 - Lowlight v1
1 - Blowtorch
1 - Tunnelrat v1
1 - Blizzard v1
1 - Talking Gen. Hawk
1 - Nightforce Shockwave
1 - Sci-Fi v1
1 - Muskrat v1
1 - Snake Eyes v3
1 - Shockwave v1
1 - Hawk v2
2 - Hit & Run
2 - Snake Eyes v1
3 - Big Ben v1

4 - Snake Eyes v2


"V1 Snake Eyes..he just says "BAD" "
- Warflight

"Eenie Meenie Minie Moe....uhh....."
- Corey Stinson (Moe is a Simpsons toy, don't throw things at me -ed)

(Editor's note : When you yokels couldn't decide, and gave more than one
answer, I picked the first every time)

DUKE : Again...devided we stand..... And again.... That key player in my.....
ZARTAN : STOP THAT!
DUKE : Sorry.....

The "Bad to the Bone" award for best bad guys figure ever!

1 - Battle Corps Cobra Commander
1 - Firefly v4
1 - Snow Serpent v1
1 - Alley Viper v1
1 - Vapor
1 - Darklon
1 - Firefly v1
1 - Cobra Commander v1
2 - Crimson Guard Immortal
2 - Storm Shadow v1
2 - Cobra
2 - Night Viper
2 - Viper v1
3 - Destro v2
3 - Zartan v1
3 - Crimson Guard v1 (and not Gaurd like some of you thought -ed)

4 - Destro v1


"Alley Viper v1. Gotta love urban camo...stand him in front of a
grafitti wall and you never see him...plus that shield worked well
for knocking Duke or Falcon's head off;"
- John Missal

"Timmer, these questions are impossible! : ) Oh, the original Storm
Shadow I guess."
- Corey Stinson

ZARTAN : The Silver-helmeted buffoon wins it!
(from the judges table) DESTRO : HEY!
DUKE : Yes, but it was a close, close race.
ZARTAN : NOW.... Here's where we get down and dirty!

The "Designers on Crack" award for WORST FIGURE EVER!

1 - Armadillo
1 - Banzai
1 - Cesspool
1 - Robo-Joe
1 - Ninja Force Snake Eyes
1 - Gnawahide
1 - Viper (1994)
1 - Armor Tech Destro
1 - Carcass
1 - Create-a-Cobra
1 - Deep Six v1
1 - Deep Six v3 (eco warrior)
1 - Toxo Zombie
1 - Raptor
2 - Ice Cream Soldier
2 - Ninja Force Scarlett
2 - Windmill
3 - Golobulus

6 - Crystal Ball


"Armadillo, too generic."
- Shan Barret

"Have you ever seen Golobulus??? How about stood him up. Not happening."
- Jhett

"Ninja Force Snake Eyes. They make him a ninja, but take away his
ability to move his legs sideways. D'OH!!! Plus, he looks like a chunker
and has flat hips."
- General Hawk

"Raptor and Crystal Ball were both pretty useless. Raptor had that neat
falcon, and Crystal Ball had...ummm... Crystal Ball it is."
- Bear

"Street Fighter II"
- Corey Stinson (could you be a bit less specific? -ed)

ZARTAN : Surprise, surprise....
DUKE : Kinda, yeah, I expected a LOT more votes for him.....
ZARTAN : Now we get to dump on your side!

The "Maybe with a ten foot poll" award for worst good guys figure ever!

1 - Psyche-Out v1
1 - Avalanche
1 - Robo-Joe
1 - Duke v1
1 - Zap v2
1 -Ninja Force Scarlett
1 - Flint (eco warrior)
1 - Rapid Fire
1 - Dee-Jay v1
1 - Armor Tech Duke
1 - Spearhead v1
1 - Banzai
1 - Battle Corps Grunt
1 - Deep Six v3
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Ninja Force Snake Eyes
1 - Windmill
1 - Tgin-Zu
1 - Col. Courage
2 - Chuckles
2 - The Fridge
2 - Deep Six v1
2 - Armadillo

3 - Ice Cream Soldier


"Chuckles! WTF? First Don Johnson brings us Miami Vice, now
Chuckles brings in Magnum PI? Gimme a break. These ARE
supposed to be military figures, right?
- Jhett (Methinks that point is debatable -ed)

"FOOTBALL-STICK!!!! HE HAD A FRIKIN' FOOTBALL-STICK!!!!"
- Warflight (Who could THAT be?? -ed)

"Ice Cream Soldier (hard one)"
- Lord Maul (I'm still not sure if he's joking or not -ed)

DUKE : Poor guy.....
ZARTAN : What, you guys pick your own codenames, don't ya?
DUKE : Sometimes....
ZARTAN : So you went about calling yourself "Duke"??
DUKE : Ye... NO! Shut up!
ZARTAN : Hahahaha.... Hit a sore spot there.....
DUKE : Let's see how your side likes being dragged through the mud....

The "Put em in the freighter!" award for worst bad guys figure ever!

1 - Bio Viper
1 - Nemesis Enforcer
1 - Armor Tech Destro
1 - Road Pig v2
1 - Gnawahyde
1 - Major Bludd v4
1 - Techno Viper v2
1 - Toxo Zombie
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Voltar
1 - Python Crimson Guard
1 - Red Ninja
1 - Carcass
1 - Eels v1
1 - Cobra Commander v4 (red face plate)
1 - Cesspool
2 - Nullifier
2 - Monstro Viper
2 - Raptor

8 - Crystal Ball

"Sonic Fighter Road Pig. He's big and bare chested and he's got
orange skin!!! Da HELL????"
- General Hawk (it's because of people like YOU that..Ooops wrong guy -ed)

DUKE : There we go, consistency !
ZARTAN : And some people thought he was a dreadnock.... Even I have
higher hiring standards.....
DUKE : Time to look at planes, tanks, and weird, WEIRD stuff!

The "I want a lifesize version, dammit !" award for best vehicle/playset ever!

1 - Rattler jet
1 - Rolling Thunder
1 - A-10 Thunderbolt (97)
1 - HAL
1 - 1982 GIJoe HQ
1 - Avalanche
1 - Whale
1 - VAMP
1 - AWE Striker
1 - Defiant complex
2 - HISS v1
2 - Terrordrome
3 - Tomahawk

14 - USS FLAGG


"Terror Drome (still looking for one, damn it)"
- Cobraavitar

"The first one I ever got was the HAL, and it still holds a special place
in my heart." - Jhett

"U.S.S. FLAGG!!! Never had one, but played the hell out of a buddies.
Rocked, pure and simple."
- General Hawk

DUKE : SIZE DOES MATTER !
ZARTAN : Must you remind us of THAT movie?
DUKE : Well, they picked the biggest, baddest playset by a landslide!
ZARTAN : Well, OFF COURSE it was gonna win, this bloody show is
called the FLAGGS.....
DUKE : Are you implying......foul play was involved.....?
ZARTAN : Probably more like mental pressure from the show's name!
Duke has a "what's he talking about" look on his face.
DUKE : Next!

The "And I polish it every day" award for best good guys vehicle/playset !

1 - Rolling Thunder
1 - Raider
1 - A-10 Thunderbolt (97)
1 - Avalanche
1 - HAL
1 - Tactical Battle Platform
1 - Blockbuster
1 - Skystriker
1 - Defiant Complex
1 - Hammer
2 - AWE Striker
2 - Mobile Command Center
2 - VAMP
2 - 1982 GIJoe HQ
3 - Tomahawk

10 - USS FLAGG

DUKE : No real surprises there.....
ZARTAN : I have a feeling COBRA will win the next award!

The "Commander's Caddilac" award for best bad guys vehicle/playset ever!

1 - Condor
1 - Claw
1 - HISS v2
1 - Rage
1 - Wolf
1 - Water Moccasin
3 - Moray Hydrofoil
3 - Rattler jet
6 - HISS v1

13 - Terror Drome


" Terror Drome --finally the bad guys had a base!"
- Sharpshot

"TERRORDROME! It was a base AND an air defence unit!"
- Warflight

ZARTAN : The biggest, baddest Cobra base ever! you were right,
Duke, SIZE DOES MATTER !
DUKE : So a Terrordrome surrounded by HISS tanks seems to be
Nirvana for the fans!

The "Crush it into a cube" award for WORST vehicle/playset EVER!

1 - Battle copters
1 - Battle Packs
1 - Bridge Layer
1 - Coastal Defender
1 - Viper/Joe glider
1 - Power Fighter armor
1 - Monster Blaster APC
1 - Scorpion
1 - Man-O-War
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Battle Axe
1 - Septic Tank
1 - Second Joe HQ
1 - Cobra Rat
1 - Mobat
1 - Ninja Lightning
1 - Earthquake
2 - Fort America
2 - POGO

3 - Ninja Hammer
3 - Buzz Boar


"The throwable gliders. They usually lasted about three throws before
cracking and are responsible for the high number of tan Grunts and
Cobra pilots in my collection
- Jhett (Show-off -ed)

"The Cobra tunneling thingy. Whatever it was called"
- Bear

"that neon ninja thing with the hammer/ax thing..... I mean HELL! It spins
the driver around so fast.... what? First you hit the bad guys with puke, and
while they are disoriented, you hit them with the hammer/ax thing? Who you
trying to torture? The enemy? Or the driver?"
- Warflight

(Editor's note : Several people gave vague descriptions of Ninja vehicles,
so the count maybe a bit off, next year, look the names up on yojoe.com,
please)

DUKE : TIE !!!!!!
ZARTAN : Good ! Destro, earn your pay!
We pan to the Judges table....
JUDGE JUDY : A tough desicion to make.....
DESTRO : Not really, anything with "Ninja" in the title should win!
HAWK : Couldn't agree more!
DUKE : The Ninja Hammer wins!
ZARTAN : And rightfully so!
DUKE : That went fast......

The "Could be abstract art" award for worst good guys vehicle/playset!

1 - Arctic Blast
1 - Armor Bot
1 - Battle Copters
1 - Battle Wagon
1 - Coastal Defender
1 - Eco Striker
1 - Invader
1 - Mobat
1 - Mobile Battle Bunker
1 - Monster Blaster APC
1 - Ninja Force Battle Axe
1 - Ninja Force Piledriver
1 - Ninja Lightning
1 - Power Fighter armor
1 - Radar Rat
2 - Barracuda
2 - Fort America
2 - Raider
2 - Swamp Smasher

3 - Recon Sled

"....."
- Warflight (Same commentary as above, I ain't copying it again -ed)

DUKE : Quite an upset here! Over all the neon cra...Ahem.... quality
products, they picked one of the first vehicles ever made!
ZARTAN : Yes, quite unexpected!

The "Joe target practice" award for worst bad guys vehicle ever!

1 - Battle Axe
1 - Battle Barge
1 - Battle Copters
1 - BUGG
1 - Dreadnock Cycle
1 - Man-O-War
1 - Ninja force Piledriver
1 - Parasite
1 - Power Fighter armor
1 - Scorpion
1 - Zanzibar's Air Skiff
2 - Rat
2 - Septic Tank
3 - Earthquake
3 - POGO

5 - Buzz Boar



"The Battle Barge! LOOK AT ME! I'M ATTACKING JOE IN A
SQUARE THING!" -Warflight

ZARTAN : I suppose the Buzz boar DOES lack a little something.....
DUKE : You can say that again!
ZARTAN : I suppose the Buzz boar...
ANNOUNCER : STOP THAT!
ZARTAN & DUKE : Sorry.....

The "Recycling" award for best figure repaint ever!

1 - Ace (Ghoststriker pilot)
1 - Ace (98)
1 - Alley Viper (97)
1 - Battle Corps Cobra Commander
1 - Big Bear v2
1 - Carcass (Mexico)
1 - Cobra trooper (98) (Borderline here -ed)
1 - Dialtone (2000)
1 - Firefly (2000)
1 - Low Light, Dino Hunter
1 - Mainframe (Mission Brazil)
1 - Night Force Falcon
1 - Night Force Shockwave
1 - Night Force Spearhead
1 - Night Force Tunnelrat
1 - Python Patrol Copperhead
1 - Scarlett (97)
1 - Sonic Fighter Falcon
1 - Tiger Force Hit & Run (Europe)

2 - Dusty (2000)
2 - Night Force Lightfoot


"Cobra Commander '93 from the bright blue and yellow to the
kicking black and silver!"
- General Hawk

"Dialtone (finally some military colors on the guy! What? Got tired of
being a white target in the bush?)"
- Warflight

And from the "Just pick one" bin :

"Law" - Joystick

"Sky Patrol line"
- Marvlostoys

"Firefly v2"
- Lord Maul (That was NOT a repaint -ed)

DUKE : Another tie! Judges?

DESTRO : I care not.... No Cobras got enough votes.
JUDGE JUDY : Then.. It's your call Hawk!
HAWK : Well, in all fairness, an awfull lot of Nightforce got votes, so
it would have to be Lightfoot! Sorry, Dusty!

DUKE : There you have it, folks, Lightfoot takes the award!
ZARTAN : He should be proud.... Now, let's get down and dirty again!

The "fell out of the ugly tree" award for worst figure repaint ever!

1 - Battle corps Mutt
1 - Budo v2
1 - Deep Six v4
1 - Destro (97) (regular)
1 - Destro (97) (pimp variation)
1 - Keel Haul (93)
1 - Lowlight v2
1 - Rapid Fire
1 - Sgt. Slaughter (89)
1 - Tiger Force Frostbite
1 - Tiger Force Psyche-Out (Europe)
2 - Beach Head v3
2 - Gen. Tomahawk (OK, borderline again -ed)
2 - Night Creeper Leader

3 - Duke (97)


"Rapid Fire....one of the first members of the Neon Brigade Joes...."
- John Missal

"Mutt Battle Corps...pink???"
-

"Night Creeper Leader v2-- wasn't the first one bad enough?"
- Sharpshot

"I would say Tgin-Zu or Red Ninja but I've already lambasted them
elsewhere : )
- Corey Stinson

"Drunken Dukey.... (97). Come on, he looks plastered!"
- Timmer

"97 Blizzard"
- Various (this one doesn't count, as he's technically a new mold -ed)

And from the "just pick one" bin again :

"1997 Line"
- Ironman

"Anything from 97"
- Warflight

"All of them"
- Jhett (OUCH -ed)

"The entire 2000 Line"
- Thomas Wheeler (OUCH part 2 -ed)

ZARTAN : Well, well.... Look who won??
DUKE : I WAS NOT DRUNK when posing for that....thing....
ZARTAN : Sure, sure......

The "Making things better" award for best vehicle/playset repaint ever!

1 - Action Force MMS
1 - Action Force Wolverine
1 - Crimson HISS and SMS
1 - Night Force APC
1 - Night Force Maggot
1 - Night Force Whale
1 - Sky Raven
2 - A-10 Thunderbolt (97)
2 - Locust
2 - Mobat (98/2000)
2 - Night Force Moray
2 - Night Force Skystriker
2 - Python Patrol Conquest
2 - Rattler 4WD (98, Stinger repaint)

5 - Conquest (98)


"Action Force Mobile Missile System that I got from my bested best
budy Timmer...black with sky camo missiles..."
- John Missal ( I didn't write 'em, I just quote 'em -ed)

"Locust. Actually I couldn't think of anything better."
- Jason Dickson

DUKE : Another win for the good guys!
ZARTAN : Well, it IS a very nice plane, that's why we stole it from
you in the first place!

The "What HAVE they done?" award for worst vehicle/playset repaint!

1 - A-10 Thunderbolt (97)
1 - Mobat (98/2000)
1 - Python Patrol STUNN
1 - Silver Mirage (97)
1 - Street Fighter Thunder Machine
1 - Tiger Force Rattler
1 - Tiger Force Water Moccasin
2 - Crimson Cruiser
2 - Eco Striker
2 - Rage (97)
2 - Sky Raven
2 - Tiger Force Snowcat
3 - Locust

4 - Septic Tank

"Tiger Force anything"
- warflight (here we go again -ed)


"Sky Raven. Too much CHROME!!!!"
- General Hawk

"Tiger Force Snow Cat. A covert ops vehicle??? Please, it's orange,
yellow and has tracks and missiles, how covert is that?"
- Bear

ZARTAN : A just winner, I must admit.
DUKE : Yeah, so many strikes against it.
ZARTAN : They took a beautifull design.... And crapped it up but good!
DUKE : Sad......

The " Is there something different about you today?" award for best
remold of a character!

1 - Battle Corps Bazooka
1 - Battle Corps Cobra Commander
1 - Battle Corps Lifeline
1 - Cutter (DEF)
1 - Destro v2
1 - Duke (92)
1 - Mutt v3
1 - Snake-Eyes v3
1 - Snow Serpent v2
1 - Talking Battle Commander Hawk
2 - Stalker v2
4 - Ace v2/v3

7 - Snake-Eyes v2


"Dukes"
- Cobraavitar (be specific, people! -ed)

ZARTAN : Looks like the return of a previous winner! And NOT a WORD,
Duke.....
DUKE : I.... OK....

The "What the hell happened to YOU?" award for worst character remold.

1 - Battle Corps Dialtone
1 - Battle Corps Grunt
1 - Blizzard (97)
1 - Cobra Commander v3
1 - Eco Warriors Deep Six
1 - Firefly v2
1 - Leatherneck v3
1 - Lowlight (91)
1 - Night Creeper v2
1 - Ninja Force Zartan
1 - Rock 'n Roll v2
1 - Shipwreck v2
1 - Tgin-Zu
2 - Armor Tech Destro
2 - Cobra Commander (91)
2 - Eco Warriors Flint
2 - Major Bludd v3

3 - Ninja Force Snake Eyes

"Leatherneck v3. OK, when did Giraffe Camo/Safari time happen?"
- John Missal

"Tgin-Zu. Yes, you get it again you bastard ugly figure! : )"
- Corey Stinson

DUKE : YESSSSS!!!!!!!
ZARTAN : Control yourself..... It's been said before, people remember
Ninja Force.......

The "Made in Belgium" award for best foreign exclusive figure ever!

1 - Deejay (Argentina)
1 - Ninja-Ku
1 - Quarrel
1 - Red Laser (Europe)
1 - Tiger Force Hit 'n Run (Europe)
1 - Tiger Force Tunnelrat (Europe)
1 - Tigor (Recoil)
2 - TNT (Argentina)
3 - Tiger Force Outback (Europe)
3 - Cobra De-Aco
3 - Major Bludd (China)

"All things considered I have to say the Chinese Major Bludd. Either
well thought-out or lucky, I'm not sure which."
- Corey Stinson

DUKE : Three-way tie! Judges?

JUDGE JUDY : Oh, I know, I know, since Tiger Force got 3 different
nominees, Tiger Force Outback should win!!
HAWK : uhmm.. Yeah.....
DESTRO : OK....

ZARTAN : There you have it folks, they only white-haired Joe wins!
DUKE : I thought Quarrel would get more votes, blondes DO have
more fun, you know.....
ZARTAN : Suuuure.....

The "Made in Elbonia" award for worst foreign exclusive!

1 - Cobra Intruder
1 - Dodger (India)
1 - Gaucho (Europe)
1 - Kangor (Brazil)
1 - Star Brigade Sci-Fi (India)
1 - Tiger Force Blizzard (Europe)
1 - Tiger Force Airtight (Brazil)
1 - TNT (Argentina)
2 - Snake-Eyes (India, blue)

3 - Superhero (India)

"Tiger Force Blizzard. Yellow snow???"
- Timmer

"FORCA TIGER!!!!"
- Warflight (continueing a trend? -ed)

DUKE : The Indian products are not well liked, folks....
ZARTAN : Whet do you expect? Trying to imitate Sna...ermmm I mean
Superman!
DUKE : Enough of this foreign crap, back to the good 'ol US of A Joes!

The "Give 'em their own comic!" award for best subteam !

1 - BF 2000
1 - DEF
1 - Dreadnocks
1 - Eco Warriors
1 - Sky Patrol
1 - Star Brigade
3 - Python Patrol
5 - Tiger Force
6 - Night Force

11 - Iron Grenadiers

DUKE : DESTROOOOOO !!
ZARTAN : Forgetting which side you're on, huh?
DUKE : Sorry, got carried away....

The " Go form your own damn team" award for worst subteam ever!

1 - BF 2000
1 - Cobra La (Small subteam, no? -ed)
1 - DEF
1 - Lunatrix Empire
2 - Pyhton Patrol
2 - Star Brigade
4 - Ninja Force/Shadow Ninjas (lumped these 2 together -ed)
5 - Tiger Force
6 - Eco Warriors

8 - Slaughter Marauders

DUKE : Ninja Force is not forgo.... waitaminute, that ain't right....
ZARTAN : What do you expect if you let a group of blind monkeys
throw paint at some perfectly good figures..Blech.....

The "Kevin Arnold" award for the best G.I.Joe year!

1 - 1987
1 - 1988
1 - 1990
1 - 1993
2 - 1986
2 - 1991
3 - 1983
5 - 1984

14 - 1985

"The year was 1983. It was the year that the great Cobra was set upon us.
Cobra Commander, Major Bludd, Destro and the HISS were loosed
upon the world.
The place was Toys R Us aisle 5. It was our last best hope for a
decent toy line......."
- John Missal (Soon available in paperback -ed)

ZARTAN : It was that unforgettable summer of 85.... The Crimson Guard
was too valuable to squander on a battle field, but cheap enough to buy
in stores!
DUKE : What, are you the narrater now?
ZARTAN : Just setting the mood.....

The " It wasn't the best of times, it was the worst of times" award for worst
Joe year!

1 - 1988
1 - 1989
1 - 1997
4 - 1987
10 - 1994

11 - 1993

"1993 A glut of figures and, oh yeah, Street Fighter? Made me sick,
so I have to pick this over '94."
- Jason Dickson

"Anything past 88"
- Fastdraw

"199- take your pick"
- Warflight ( OK; 199100 it is..weirdo... -ed)

DUKE : The last two years were not very popular.....
ZARTAN : And yet, they always complain that the line ended in 94....
DUKE : Yeah, but since when are fans logical?

The "Star of the flagpoints" award for the best mail-away exclusive figure!

1 - Deep Six (93)
1 - Joe Colton
1 - Lifeline
1 - Ninja Viper
1 - Supertrooper
2 - Snow Serpent v3
2 - Steel Brigade
5 - Starduster

9 - Hooded Cobra Commander

"Cobra Commander v1. This man was soooooo BAD that you
had to buy others to get him....he was Evil to the point of not being
available in stores.....then they ruined him with the cartoon...."
- John Missal ( Should have been more clear, only figures that weren't
available later/earlier carded/boxed count -ed)

"Steel Brigade (Hey, it put you on the team!)"
- Joystick

"International Team of (recoloring of v3)"
- Josh O (???????? - confused ed)

"Frid....Steel Brigade"
- G-pac (Phew.... -ed)

DUKE : Ballots as confusi....
ZARTAN : DON'T!
DUKE : Anyway.... Cobra Commander racks up another award tonight!

The "Won't get it, even if it IS free" award for worst mail-away figure!

1 - Hawk v5
1 - Major Altitude
1 - Starduster
2 - Steel Brigade
2 - Supertrooper
5 - Create-a-Cobra

12 - The Fridge

"FRIDGE!! AGH!!!"
- General Hawk

"Sup...Name-Your-Own-Cobra"
- G-Pac (indecisive, isn't he? -ed)

"Did I mention FOOTBALL-STICK!?!"
- Warflight

ZARTAN : So much for overweight, have-been football players....
DUKE : But overweight, have-been wrestlers are fine??
ZARTAN : So it would seem.....

The "Gimme a job at Hasbro, dammit !" award for toy you'd most like to
make changes to!

1 - Crazy Legs
1 - Desert Apache
1 - Dragonfly
1 - Frag Viper
1 - G.I.Joe HQ v1
1 - Hammer
1 - HISS II
1 - Mobat
1 - Monster Blaster APC
1 - Ninja Force Snake Eyes
1 - Paralyzer
1 - Patriot
1 - Scarlett v1
1 - Septic Tank
1 - Skystriker
1 - Snow Cat
2 - Storm Shadow Ninja Force/2000
2 - Terror Drome
2 - Zartan v2

3 - Cobra Soldier

"Terror Drome, just cause I'd like to get one MIB for a decent price."
- Shan Barret (How unselfish of you.... -ed)

"Paralyzer - get rid of the orange color"
- Dzirhan

"Septic Tank (been there, done that)"
- Timmer

"Original cobra Troopers need more "beefing" and removable gear"
- General Hawk

"The 2000 Storm Shadow. GIVE HIM A SCREW IN THE BACK!"
- Thomas Wheeler ( I'm torn between a rude joke and "and give him
paintwipes!" remark here..... -ed)

ZARTAN : They're sending our first troopers to the gym!
DUKE (as Hanz) : VE VANT TO PUMP...*clap* YOU UP!
ZARTAN : And YOU are supposed to lead the Joes.....
AUDIENCE MEMBER : THAT'S DEBATABLE!

The "Kung-Fu Grip" award for best gimmick ever!

1 - Backpack/screw hole
1 - Battle Ribbons
1 - Camo facepaint
1 - Combat pay
1 - Contest stickers
1 - Fast Draw's missile backpack
1 - Free figure coupons
1 - Ghoststriker target scope
1 - Red Star's missile launcher
1 - Sea vehicles that float
1 - Sonic fighter backpacks

2 - BAT's attachments
2 - Flag points
2 - Spring loaded missiles
2 - Swivel-arm battle grip
2 - Zartan's color change



"Figure accessories that did something interesting, such as Storm
Shadow's backpack and accessories, or Pathfinder's rifle case."
- Corey Stinson (You couldn't narrow it down a wee bit more? -ed)

"Shooting missiles!! lol....seriously...lol"
- G-pac (?? Well, I have to count it... -ed)

ZARTAN : How....interesting, we have a five-way tie....
DUKE : Well, you know the drill...

HAWK : Such a dilemma....
JUDGE JUDY : Let's use a process of elimination!
DESTRO : Well, if we pick the firing missile launchers, they'll draw and
quarter us, so that's out.....
HAWK : And I'm not sure the battle grip is a gimmick, as 90% of figures
have it. And I don't care that the award is called the "Kung-Fu grip" award.
DESTRO : Timmer voted for BAT parts, and I'll be damned if he get's the
satisfaction of winning......
JUDGE JUDY : How mature the judging process is here.....
HAWK : And since Zartan is the host, he's disqualified!
DESTRO : Flagpoints it is!

ZARTAN : WHAT ?!?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!
DUKE : Deal with it, Zartan, something that lets you get Joes and vehicles
that cheaply is a worthy winner!
ZARTAN : Heads will roll for this......

The "Kung-Fu Grope" award for worst gimmick ever!

1 - Color changing Eco Warriors
1 - "Mystery" coupons
1 - Real monster stench
1 - Zartan's color changing
2 - BF2000 Fortress
2 - Camo paint
2 - Spring action ninja moves
4 - Waterguns (Eco Warriors)

8 - Spring action missile launchers

"Star Brigade"
- Tung (That's not really a gimmick...-ed)

"Neon colors"
- Starduster (That's not really.... -ed)

"Mega Marine Monsters"
- G-pac (That's not...oh forget it.... -ed)

"Spring action anything"
- Joystick

"They get one cool shooting weapon (Red Star's -ed), and now they ruin
it by giving EVERYONE SHOOTING WEAPONS!"
- Warflight

DUKE : Those things are fun, untill somebody loses an eye.....

The "Next Best Thing" award for the toyline that works best with GIJoe!

1 - Action Force (Palitoy)
1 - Bronze Bombers (most recent)
1 - Playmobil
1 - Star Wars

17 - Corps (Lanard)

"MILITARY ONLY"
- Law (I'll put you down for "12 inch Joes then? -ed)

"Do firecrackers count as toys?"
- John Missal (You sick, sick man..... -ed)

"Cobra"
- Evilface ( Cute, very cute -ed)

"Heh...Playmobil!! But only the vehicles and buildings!"
- Warflight (Not the figures?????? -ed)

And from the "we don't need no steeenking others" pile :

" No toy holds a candle to g.i. joe"
- Michael Senger

"None. It works well alone, period. "
- Jason Dickson (Thank you, Cheetor -ed)

ZARTAN : No real surprises there...
DUKE : Nope, seems fitting our uglier cousins should win it.
ZARTAN : Now let's see if the HISS driver wins the next award!

The " I feel incomplete without it" award for best accesory ever!

1 - Big Ben's grenade pouch/grenades
1 - Falcon's shotgun
1 - Fastdraw's backpack
1 - Firefly's backpack
1 - Flint's shotgun
1 - Football stick
1 - Hawk (91) Jet pack
1 - Helicopter pack (87 Joe motorized acc.)
1 - Leatherneck's M-16
1 - Muskrat's Surfboard
1 - Parachute (mail-away)
1 - Red Star's backpack
1 - Red Star's Sterla (missile launcher)
1 - Ripcord's parachute and mask
1 - Shockwave's (DEF) tank missile launcher
1 - Snake-Eyes' UZI
1 - Sub-zero's M-60
2 - Hit & Run's Colt AR-15
2 - Storm Shadow v1's backpack

3 - Bullhorn's snap-together gun and case

"Snake Armor"
- Cobraavitar (That's a vehicle -ed)

ZARTAN : I'm amazed there was SOME common ground, look at all
those answers!
DUKE : At least I don't have to type it all !

The "Neon Colorchanging Toaster" award for worst accesory ever!

1 - Airtight's weapon
1 - Dreadnock Axe Slinger (88 motorized backpack)
1 - Incinerator catapult
1 - Iron Grenadier's red handgun
1 - Major Bludd (91) Sonic Weapon
1 - Muskrat v2 Helmet and Mask rocket launcher
1 - Snake Eyes 3-piece nunchucks
2 - Destro's disk launcher
2 - Sonic backpacks (all put together -ed)
3 - Crystal Ball's shield
3 - Football Stick
3 - Neon colored weapons (all put together -ed)

5 - Spring actions missile launchers (all put together -ed)

"Anything on a tree"
- Tim Frankovich (most...resist....squirrel...joke.... -ed)

" Sorry Warflight..the Football Stick"
- Joystick (actually..... -ed)

"FOOTBALL-STICK!!!!!!"
- Warflight (TRAITOR -ed)

DUKE : Plain and simple, they STILL hate the missile launchers.....
ZARTAN : And the less-than-popular Fridge and Crystal Ball get kicked
around again!

The "Pure Shakespeare" award for best filecard ever!

1 - Beach Head v1
1 - Crazy Legs
1 - Cutter v1
1 - Flint
1 - Freefall
1 - Serpentor
1 - Snake Eyes v2
1 - Storm Shadow v1
2 - Buzzer
2 - Crimson Guard

3 - Cobra Commander (original)

"Dreadnocks -- pre-editing"
- John Missal (be specific -ed)

"Too many to list"
- Starduster

"Eenie...meenie again..."
- Corey Stinson

"Crimson Guard -- the reference to the red uniform is legendary"
- Sharpshot

"Cobra Commander (original FC) "A man without scrupules. Probably
the most dangerous man alive!"
- Jason Dickson

ZARTAN : Oh dear... And the Commander's ego was already out of control....
DUKE : I don't think it CAN get any more out of control.....
(From backstage) CC : HEY!

The "too....much....information..." award for worst filecard ever!

1 - Clutch (Mega Marines)
1 - Eels v2
1 - Gen. Tomahawk
1 - Gung-Ho (97)
1 - Nitro Viper
1 - Snake Eyes (97, Stars 'n Stripes)
1 - Storm Shadow 2000
1 - T'Gin-Zu
1 - Toxo-Zombie
2 - Chameleon
2 - Red Ninja

3 - Cobra trooper (98)
3 - Crystal Ball

"Dreadnocks -- post editing"
- John Missal ( I dislike you -ed)

"Crystal Ball's comes to mind...."
- Starduster

"T'gin-Zu or Red Ninja, which ever one had the nerve to mention
"Sushi Wars". Whoever came up with that shit should be taken out
to the woodshed "
-corey Stinson

"Red Ninja. Somebody was trying to be funny AND FAILED MISERABLY!"
- Thomas Wheeler

DUKE : Another tie! Let's go to the judges!

HAWK : Not neccesairy, we feel the Crystal Ball thrashing MUST continue!

DUKE : Uhmm... OK! CRYSTAL BALL WINS IT !
ZARTAN : No wonder they call him the "Wheelie" of GIJoe!
DUKE : Nobody calls him that...
ZARTAN : They will now.....

The "Put it in the Louvre, babe!" award for best box/card art ever!

1 - Desert Fox
1 - Duke v1
1 - Jump jet pack 82
1 - Mobile Command Center
1 - Moray Hydrofoil
1 - Outback v1
1 - Ripcord
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - Terror Drome
1 - Whale
2 - Snake Eyes v2

4 - USS FLAGG


"-Sneak Peek. I always thought making him look chubby in the pictures was
good as a self-esteem booster for those of us who as kids collecting these
figures were a bit like that."
-John Missal

"1984 Duke A classic image."
- Jason Dickson

DUKE : The Flagg makes a welcome return!
ZARTAN : Size STILL does matter I suppose....
DUKE : Hey, our time here is almost up! One more award to go!
ZARTAN : GOOD ! Because I almost have to use my pants as a
temporarly latrine!
DUKE : That's.....too much information.....

The "My three-year-old could do better" award for worst box art ever!

1 - Armor Bot
1 - Commando 3-pack (97)
1 - Crimson Guard
1 - Duke v1
1 - Gristle
1 - Mobat (98)
1 - Rage v1
1 - Toxo-lab
1 - Scarlett 82
1 - Shadow Ninjas (all the same)
1 - Slugger (97)

"The Cobra mindreader"
- Tung (Mindbender? Crystal Ball? -ed)

"Scarlett (original) She didn't represent the figure very well."
- Jhett

" 98 3-packs (WHAT card-art???)"
- Timmer

ZARTAN : Well, isn't this a WONDERFULL way to end this section..... an
eleven-way tie.....
DUKE : Wonder what the judges have to say about that one??

JUDGE JUDY : Timmer, the wise and all powerfull, had the right idea....
DESTRO : Yes, the award goes to all 98 3-packs for their absolute lack of
card art.... With the 2000 line coming a close second.....

DUKE : Uhm...OK
ZARTAN : So, we're done?
DUKE : Yup, all that's left to do is say our goodbyes!
ZARTAN : Screw that, I need to do the peepee dance!

Zartan rushes to the backstage area, stumbling over an unconsious Ripper.

DUKE : So much for the toy section of the FLAGGS, people! But there's lots
more to come! Bye!

Cue music, the theme from Toy Story....

Duke leaves the stage as Cobra Commander walks back on, the commander
"accidentally" trips Duke....

CC : Wuss.....
CC : Now we come to the aspect of Joe were the real money is made.....
Everything from lunchboxes to toilet paper has the GIJOE logo stamped
on it! I'm particulairy fond of the toilet paper! And to present these awards
in the Merchandise category : Shipwreck and Covergirl !

Cue music : The theme from Star Wars IV. Shipwreck and Covergirl walk down
their respective stairs.

SW : Ahoy mateys! Great to be here!
CG : Yes it's a pleasure! But what is with that music?
SW : Oh, come on, can you think of anything with MORE merchandising?
CG : Good point.... Now why did they pick us, and with us, I mean YOU, to
host this section!
SW : Well, I demanded that I be allowed to pick my own co-host. They agreed,
but only if I hosted one of the shortest segments!
CG : How lucky for all of us.....
SW : So here is the first award!

The " I have three of those!" award for best merchandise ever!

1 - Action Star breakfast cereal
1 - Calendar (89 , Landmark)
1 - Grunt Halloween costume
1 - Parascope
1 - Toilet paper
1 - Toy pack (canteen, knife, belt , flashlight etc.)
1 - Watch
1 - WOLF big wheel
2 - Puzzles
2 - T-shirts (Hot Topic)

3 - Metal Lunchbox (original)
3 - Trading cards

"Toilet paper! Just the comedy value alone was GREAT! But imagine
having a Joe comic to read on the john, and then using it to...err....
nevermind...." - Warflight ( Thank you very much for that mental image -ed)

SHIPWRECK : First award, first tie! Time for Hawk to get off his butt!
COVERGIRL : He can hear you, ya know.....

HAWK : AHEM..... yes...Anyway trading cards versus the lunchbox....
DESTRO : Yes.... A tough one this.....
JUDGE JUDY : Let's just flip a coin..... Heads, it's the lunchbox, tails,
it's the cards....
Judge Judy flips the coin.....
HAWK : Tails it is! The only just winner has to be : The trading cards set!

COVERGIRL : And they PAY these people for this?
SHIPWRECK : I asked for the wrong job!
CG : Moving on.....

The "Mutt's pooper scooper" award for worst merchandise ever!

1 - Action Figure Keychains
1 - Bubble bath
1 - Deodorant
1 - Lite brite patterns
1 - Napkins
1 - Shampoo
1 - Soap

2 - Toilet paper

"Joe deoderant (Duke's helmet was a roll on device)"
- Robert Culpepper (Ewwww... -ed)

"I'm starting to rethink that toilet paper thing...."
- Warflight (Good! -ed)

"There was no bad G.I.Joe merchandise : P "
- G-pac

COVERGIRL : Warflight's rethinking saved us from another monster tie...
SHIPWRECK : Guess he is good for something!

The " I'll take that OTHER job at Hasbro" award for merchandise you'd
most wanna see made!

1 - Calendars
1 - Cobra Viper helmets
1 - Douche bag
1 - Humvee
1 - Novels
1 - Posters
1 - Wallpaper
1 - Yojoe cola

9 - Video game

"Video Game! A good one!"
- General Hawk

"Scarlett inflatable doll. JUST KIDDING TIMMER....."
- Starduster

"You seen the "Pikachu Volkswagon"? Howabout a GIjOE HUMMVEE!"
- Warflight

COVERGIRL : Finally, we have some agreement in the ranks!
SHIPWRECK : I'm disappointed nobody wanted underwear!
COVERGIRL : Huh?
SHIPWRECK : I mean, I can just picture you in a green teddy with...
*SLAP*
SHIPWRECK : Sorry.....
COVERGIRL : That's why they kept your input to a minimum.... We want
to keep our G-rating.....
SHIPWRECK : Fine, if you need me, I'll be at the bar with that Spiderguy.....
COVERGIRL : Enjoy the rest of the show, folks!

Cue music : The Star Wars theme again.....

Covergirl and Shipwreck exit the stage, in opposite directions, Cobra
Commander re-enters....

CC : That was short and relatively painless.... Anyway, now it's time for all
the crap we couldn't put anywhere else! And to present the awards in the
GENERAL section, here are General Hawk and Destro!

Without music, Hawk and Destro climb up on the stage, slowly and with
difficulty.....

DESTRO : SOMEBODY forgot to include some stairs to get on the stage.....
HAWK : Judy will have to fend for herself for a while!
DESTRO : Can I just comment what a weak joke it is, to have a general host
the "general" section?
HAWK : When you get a section named after you, you can feel good too....
DESTRO : But it's not named aft.....
HAWK : Let's present the first award!

The "Perfection, thow hath a name" award for best character ever!

1 - Breaker
1 - Destro
1 - Doc
1 - Horrorshow
1 - Ripcord
1 - Shockwave
1 - Stalker
2 - Flint
3 - Cobra Commander
3 - Zartan
5 - Duke

6 - Snake Eyes

"Snake Eyes! (I have to vote for him just to make sure he gets a vote,
considering all the hate....)"
- Tim Frankovich (Congratulations, you just gave him the award -ed)

"Doc and his asbestos underwear."
- John Missal

"- Snake Eyes... he was just cool, and all the kids wanted to be him, except
for Jimmy Willson, who wanted to be Covergirl.......
he sings showtunes at the Birdcage now..."
- Warflight (again..that's too much information....-ed)

HAWK : Ah, one of my finest soldiers!
DESTRO : I ranked below that buffoon, Cobra Commander????
HAWK : Hey, you don't see my name up there, do you? So you have
nothing to complain about!

The "Wheelie-part 3" award for WORST character EVER!

1 - Buzzer
1 - Chameleon
1 - Crimson Twins
1 - Falcon
1 - Headman
1 - Ice Cream Soldier
1 - Metal Head
1 - Road Pig
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Sneak Peek
1 - The Fridge
1 - Toxo-Zombie
2 - Golobulus
2 - Raptor
2 - Serpentor
2 - Snake Eyes

5 - Crystal Ball


"-Falcon. He was never given the character points his file card said. He
should have been a bad ass, but he wasn't in the comic enough and he was a
wuss in the cartoons and movie. I don't like him because he was portayed
badly. Had he been the green beret he was supposed to be, i think he could
have been a kick ass character."
- John Missal

"Toxo-Zombie (what were they thinking)"
- Sharpshot

HAWK : That guy is sure raking in the awards!
DESTRO : Yes, where is he, by the way?
HAWK : His invitation....uhm...got lost in the mail......

The "I'll be there for you" award for character you'd most like to be friends with!

1 - Airtight
1 - Bazooka (cartoon)
1 - Clutch
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Crazy Legs
1 - Cross Country
1 - Doc
1 - Duke
1 - Footloose
1 - Hawk
1 - Law & Order
1 - Monkeywrench
2 - Ace
2 - Breaker
2 - Roadblock
2 - Storm Shadow

3 - Destro

"Doc and his asbestos underwear."
- John Missal (getting obsessed, are we? -ed)

"Storm Shadow...he just seems like the friendly type..."
- Warflight

"Destro or Predacon (although in the case of the latter, I suspect the
handshaking rituals could take hours -- he's the one with the four arms)"
- Thomas Wheeler (First one counts, which is handy, as it breaks the tie -ed)

DESTRO : *sniff* You like me *sniff* You really like me!
HAWK : Oh my God.....
DESTRO : I'm buying you alll a drink later!
HAWK : Now we go to the award that dares not speak it's name.....

The "Oh, THAT award" for character you'd most wanna be lovers with!

1 - Chameleon
1 - Jinx
1 - Tgin-Zu
3 - Baroness
3 - Lady Jaye
4 - Cover Girl

7 - Scarlett

"Doc and his asbestos underwear. Only kidding.....Cover Girl from the
European Missions "Ice Spy" "
- John Missal (Glad to see yer not OVERLY obsessed with Doc -ed)

" Hello??? Scarlett! That red hair, though powerflul thighs. Damn, now I
need a shower.
- Jhett

"ummm:: looks around and doesn't see his wife watching him::Chameleon
(She's got the looks of the Baroness, but is probably less chance of her
killing you.) - Joystick

"Ahahaha! Tgin-Zu, baby!! (I'll show you a sushi war mister...) "
- Corey Stinson (Smileys can be SO important -ed)

And from the "we're in denial"-bin :

" None. They are made of plastic."
- Jason Dickson (Well, they are also cartoon and comic characters, plus,
a live action actress in the case of Scarlett from the later commercials -ed)

"Wife watching....no comment....wife giving me funny stares...."
- Warflight

DESTRO : Hmmm.... I suppose she IS a redhead.....
HAWK : Guess not all people are into leather, huh, Destro? *slaps Destro
on the back*
DESTRO : Stop that !
HAWK : I suppose we'd better move on.....
DESTRO : What's the point? THIS was the one everybody was waiting for....

The "Who'da tunk it?" award for biggest surprise of the year!

1 - 2001 packs out so soon
1 - AWE striker news
1 - Quality toys
1 - Return of the Dragonfly
1 - Storm Shadow being a Cobra again
2 - Chameleon
2 - HISS III news
4 - New Joe toys

10 - Manimals being made

" Warflight's got a family hehe"
- John Missal

"Manimals coming out. Why?"
- Joystick

HAWK : Looks like Hasbro manages to surprise us after all !
DESTRO : Indeed "Tomahawk".....
HAWK : Not.....a word.....

The "Jim Phelps is EVIL" award for most bizarre change in the Joe world ever!

1 - 56 States in the US in the Joeverse
1 - Battle Corps
1 - Duke is the man of action from the adventure team
1 - Ending it in 1994
1 - Everybody becomes a Ninja
1 - Hawk becomes Tomahawk
1 - Lunatrix empire
1 - No more backpacks near the end
1 - Paintwipes
1 - Star Brigade
1 - Switching to DiC toons
1 - Stars 'n Stripes boxed set results
2 - Chameleon
2 - Neon colors
4 - Cobra-La

5 - Manimals

HAWK : That's two for two!
DESTRO : And not a good thing either.... Well, maybe.....
HAWK : Manimals even beat Cobra-la !
DESTRO : SILENCE! We dare not speak that name!
HAWK : Fine, now let's get out our instruments of destruction !

The " Wheelie- part 4" award for character you'd most wanna use a
brainwave scanner, 2x4 or football stick on!

1 - Bazooka
1 - Crimson Twins
1 - Dr. Mindbender
1 - Duke
1 - Flint
1 - Fred VII
1 - Golobulus
1 - Gristle
1 - Jinx
1 - Lifeline
1 - Raptor
1 - Roadblock (toon)
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Tgin-Zu

2 - Cobra Commander (toon version)
2 - Crystal Ball
2 - Metal Head (DiC toon)
2 - Serpentor (toon)
2 - Snake Eyes

Honorary mention : Warflight - 2 votes

"Cartoon Cobra Commander...to give him a backbone...."
- John Missal

"Cartoon era Serpentor. "THID I -- *CLUNK* urggggg--x" "
- General Hawk

"The Hasbro exec who thought up Serpentor, and so many others..."
- Starduster (Not really a character....-ed)

"Raptor (He's WEARING a bird head, for crying out loud!"
- Joystick

"Roadblock (maybe he'll stop rhyming)"
- Micheal Senger

"Warflight :-P "
- Jason Dickson (I'm STILL debating if he qualifies as a character -ed)

"Warflight"
- Fastdraw ( Still debating -ed)

HAWK : A five-way tie, if we forget Warflight for a moment.
DESTRO : THAT is difficult.....
HAWK : So it goes to the judges....urmm.... judge.....

JUDGE JUDY : It is so rare that I get to use the maximum penalty....The
football stick! Let's give it to that "THIS I COMMAND" buffoon!!

HAWK : There you have it, SERPENTOR !...Uhmm..Who's dead....
DESTRO : Or an iguana, depending on how you look at it....
HAWK : Anybody else sorry Warflight was disqualified?
MOST OF THE AUDIENCE : YEAH !

The "He's everywhere you want to be" award for most overused character!

1 - Buzzer
1 - Flint
1 - Quick Kick (toon)
1 - Scarlett
1 - Sgt. Slaughter
2 - Duke
2 - Hawk
3 - Storm Shadow

14 - Snake Eyes

"Starscream"
- Tung ( Uhm....OK... -ed)

"*Sigh* Yeah, it's Snake Eyes"
- General Hawk

"Maybe I should just call it the "Snake Eyes" award"
- Timmer

"Snake Eyes...like him, but they ran him into the ground!"
- Warflight (*WHACK* with the football stick, everybody happy now? -ed)

"Any ninjas other than Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow"
- Thomas Wheeler

DESTRO : No surprises there....
HAWK : But COME ON ! He was only in the movie for 2 seconds!
DESTRO : Nobody likes to remember the movie, Hawk.....

The "Who are you again?" award for most underused character!

1 - Ace
1 - Airtight
1 - Breaker
1 - Crankcase
1 - Dusty
1 - Falcon
1 - Firefly
1 - Oktober Guard
1 - Overlord
1 - Rampart
1 - Repeater
1 - Roadblock
1 - Sci-Fi
1 - Scrap-Iron
1 - Starduster
1 - Tripwire
1 - Zartan
2 - Grand Slam
2 - Hit & Run
2 - Blowtorch

4 - Covergirl

DESTRO : Now, did they misunderstand the question?
HAWK : Huh?
DESTRO : Maybe they want to see more of covergirl, if ya know what
I mean....
HAWK : You're disgusting.....and probably right......

The "Westlemania" award for best fight ever!

1 - Ace Vs. Wild Weasel
1 - Dusty Vs. Shipwreck (When???-ed)
1 - Flint Vs. Tomax
1 - Hawk Vs. Destro (issue 16)
1 - Jinx vs. Pythona
1 - Joes Vs. Saw Viper (??? -ed)
1 - Snake Eyes Vs. Cobra Commander
1 - Spirit Vs. Storm Shadow
1 - Storm Shadow Vs. Zartan
1 - Zartan Vs. Blind Master
2 - Sgt. Slaughter Vs. Nemesis Enforcer
2 - Snake Eyes Vs. Storm Shadow &Red Ninjas

3 - Ripcord Vs. Zartan
3 - Zarana Vs. Lady Jaye

"Warflight vs Timmer"
- John Missal (LET MORTAL KOMBAT BEGIN! -ed)

"Any battle I ever held in my basement between Joe & Cobra"
- Fastdraw

"Joes Vs. Saw Viper in the desert"
- Michael Senger (OUCH -ed)

HAWK : It's tie breaking time! Judy?

JUDGE JUDY : Well, I'll be damned if I pick a chick fight, so Rip....

DESTRO & HAWK : OVERRULED!! CHICK FIGHT!!!
HAWK : Ahem.. So Zarana Vs. LJ wins it!
DESTRO : I wouldn't mind them winning the next award too.....

The "Homer & Marge" award for best couple !

1 - Clutch & Covergirl (comic)
1 - Tomax & Xamot
1 - Torpedo & Leatherneck
2 - Destro & Baroness
2 - Falcon & Jinx
2 - Shipwreck & Covergirl
3 - Scarlett & Duke
5 - Flint & Lady Jaye

7 - Scarlett & Snake Eyes

"COMIC BOOK : Clutch and Cover girl. You know she wanted the grease
monkey deep down...You just know it."
- John Missal ( I actually misread this the first time *shudder* -ed)

DESTRO : Oh dear.....
HAWK : Duke is gonna go postal, isn't he?
DESTRO : Yup, break out the tazers.....

The "Unicron Vs. The Death Star" award for fight you'd most want to see!

1 - Cobra Commander Vs. Mirror Universe Cobra Commander
1 - Cobra Commander Vs. Overlord
1 - Destro Vs. Zartan
1 - Doc vs. Lifeline
1 - Dreadnocks (comic) Vs. Slaughter's Renegades
1 - Duke Vs. Cobra Commander
1 - Gung Ho Vs. Major Bludd
1 - Gung Ho Vs. Roadblock
1 - Hawk Vs. Serpentor
1 - Jinx Vs. Vypra
1 - Polly Vs. Pikachu
1 - Roadblock Vs. Big Boa
1 - Snake Eyes Vs. Destro
1 - Snake Eyes Vs. Sgt. Slaughter
1 - Snake Eyes Vs. Storm Shadow

2 - Hawk Vs. Cobra Commander
2 - Duke Vs. Destro
2 - Duke Vs. Zartan

"Live action : Baroness/zarana Vs. Covergirl/Chameleon Mudwrestling
Tag Team match"
- John Missal (You forgot "nude" -ed)

"Covergirl and Scarlett in a vat of...oops...foret you saw that...."
- Warflight (Nope -ed)

HAWK : Another Tie !
DESTRO : Judy, let's hear it !

JUDGE JUDY : Well, it seems, since we can have that fight right now, the
winner should be HAWK Vs. COBRA COMMANDER ! LET COMBAT
BEGIN !

HAWK : Huh?

Cobra Commander comes in sideways, knocking Hawk down with a tackle.
He then throws Hawk from the stage, right in front of the first row, in a spot
where a tub of mashed potatoes has mysteriously appeared, not too far from
where Warflight sits, I might add.....

CC : FLAWLESSS VICTORY !!
HAWK (wiping mash from his face) : I smell a conpiracy!
CC : Don't be rediculous.... Now get on with the presentation.....

Cobra Commander makes a quick getaway.

HAWK *grumbling* Very well, next award....

The "Ross and Rachel" award for couple you'd most wanna see get together!

1 - Beach Head & Jinx
1 - Clutch & Scarlett
1 - Cobra Commander & Baroness
1 - Covergirl & Dusty
1 - Dr. Mindbender & Zarana
1 - Duke & Covergirl
1 - Duke & Horrorshow
1 - Hawk & Covergirl
1 - Hit & Run & Vypra
1 - Monkeywrench & Zarana
1 - Scarlett & Duke (in comic)
1 - Shipwreck & Mara
1 - T'gin-Zu and Red Ninja
1 - Vypra & Wild Weasel

2 - Shipwreck & Covergirl

"Me and Baroness"
- Cobraavitar (Keep the dream alive! -ed)

"Cobra Commander and the Baroness. Then watch the sparks fly when
Destro finds out."
- Jason Dickson

"Covergirl and Scarlett getting playfull after...oops...forget that too...."
- Warflight (nope -ed)

HAWK : A winner, by the slightest of margins, Shipwreck and....
(FROM BACKSTAGE) COVERGIRL : NO CHANCE IN HELL !
HAWK : Ah... OK....
DESTRO : Next !

The "Hail to the chief" award for character that should be president of the US.

1 - Beach Head
1 - Buzzer
1 - Duke
1 - Flagg
1 - Mutt
1 - Zartan
2 - Destro
4 - Cobra Commander

11 - Hawk

"Mutt/vice president Junkyard"
- Ironman

"Hawk, I suppose, but weren't you the guy banning people for bringing this up?"
- Jhett ( NO, only bringing up the actual election, this thread was killed
after a joint desicion by the moderators....-ed)

HAWK : I am *sniff* honored.... I will consider running in 2004....
DESTRO : That would work, if you weren't a fictional character....
HAWK : Why do people keep throwing that in my face?

The "Let me join!" award for favorite faction!

1 - Dreadnocks
1 - Eco Warriors
2 - Oktober Guard
3 - Iron Grenadiers

10 - Cobra
10 - Joe

"COBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
- John Missal

HAWK : Hmmm...OK *looks around nervously*
DESTRO : Yes...... Judge?

JUDGE JUDY : Oh , no ! I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.....

HAWK : So now what?
ANNOUNCER : The first, and ONLY tie ! Maybe we'll decide next year!
DESTRO : I can live with that.....

The "Go away" award for least favorite faction !

1 - Joe
1 - Oktober Guard
1 - Screamin' Eagles
4 - Headhunters
9 - Lunatrix empire

11 - Cobra-La

"COBRAAAALALALALALALALALAAAAAA"
- John Missal

"Cobra-La. I STILL don't get it."
- Jhett

"You have to ask?....Cobra-La"
- Starduster (Yeah, that's kinda the point -ed)

"Cobra-La (did anyone say anything different?)"
- Warflight (apparantly -ed)

DESTRO : THAT was closer than expected.....
HAWK : Yes, but the guys we don't mention did win, so all is good.....

The "Customize it!" award for fictional character you'd most want to see
in the Joe universe!

1 - Bobba Fett (Star Wars)
1 - Captain America (Marvel)
1 - Clark Griswold (Chevy Chases lampoon character *shudder*)
1 - Harm Rabb (JAG)
1 - Iron Man
1 - James Bond
1 - John Clark (???)
1 - Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)
1 - Lt. Ripley (Alien et al)
1 - Major Kira (Star Trek : DS9)
1 - Marko Ramius (Hunt for Red October)
1 - Rambo (duh)
1 - Spawn (McFarlane)
1 - Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat)
1 - The Terminator
1 - Universal Soldier's Dolph Lundgren (Cobra)
1 - Wolverine

4 - Punisher (Marvel)
4 - Jack Ryan (Patriot Games et al.)

"Major Kira (ohh..fully articulated !! haha)"
- Robert Culpepper

"Britney Spears...what the hell do you mean she's real !?"
- Josh O

HAWK : Looks like another tie....
DESTRO : Yup...getting boring isn't it?

JUDGE JUDY : HEY! Anyway, gun-toting maniac or carefully fleshed out
character? Hmmm... BOTH have merits..... Where's that coin?

ANNOUNCER : Judge Judy will continue, right after she flips the coin!

DESTRO : Just when you think you can't sink any lower.....

JUDGE JUDY : And the winner is..... PUNISHER!

HAWK : Great..wonder who's side he'll be on?
DESTRO : I don't want him....
HAWK : Me neither...Send him to the Slaughterhouse!

The "Merge them universes" award for crossover you'd most like to see!

1 - Batman
1 - Exo Squad
1 - Gargoyles
1 - JAG
1 - James Bond
1 - Jay and Silent Bob
1 - Mortal Kombat
1 - Pokmon
1 - Powerpuff girls
1 - Rainbow Six
1 - Star Trek : TOS
1 - Star Wars
2 - Avengers

3 - Punisher
3 - X-men
3 - Transformers

"Pokmon, oh wait, EEJ already did that. : ) I guess none then"
- Joystick (Phew -ed)

" GI Joe/Pokmon (someone had to say it)"
- Robert Culpepper (spoke too soon -ed)

DESTRO : *YAWN* Judy?

JUDGE JUDY : Oh, for crying out....same decision as before, PUNISHER!

HAWK : Thank you...moving hastely on.....
DESTRO : And getting to some good stuff, "Tommy"......

The "Windbreaker" award for worst character codename ever!

1 - Big Lob
1 - Blowtorch
1 - Captain Grid-Iron
1 - Chuckles
1 - Golobulus
1 - Ozone
1 - Range Viper
1 - Robo-Joe
1 - Scoop
1 - skidmark
1 - Supertrooper
1 - The Fridge
1 - Steam Roller
1 - Voltar
2 - Colonel Courage
3 - T-Gin-Zu

7 - Ice Cream Soldier

"Robo-Joe (cough *rip-off*cough)"
- Viper

" Bolas (semi-translation for Hardball in Spain. "Hey, Balls. Come over here!")"
- Jason Dickson

"Skidmark (don't make me explain that one)"
- Warflight (I get it *shudder* -ed)

DESTRO : A clear winner! That's been a while.....
HAWK : Yes , about time.....
(FROM AUDIENCE) ICE CREAM SOLDIER : You people have NO
appreciation for irony! I'll drink your BLOOD !
DESTRO : Vipers, subdue that man.....

A small band of vipers comes out, branishing football-sticks. Soon, the
Ice Cream soldier is carried out of the theatre.....

The "That's my name, don't wear it out!" award for best codename ever!

1 - Beach Head
1 - Cobra Commander
1 - Covergirl
1 - Crimson Guard
1 - Crimson Guard Immortal
1 - Destro
1 - Duke
1 - Firefly
1 - Grand Slam
1 - Hawk
1 - Leatherneck
1 - Payload
1 - Shockwave
1 - Torpedo
1 - Tunnelrat
1 - Supertrooper
2 - Snake Eyes

5 - Storm Shadow

"Tomax, or is it Xamot?"
- Ironman

"Covergirl. she'll kick your ass, stomp on your face, gut you and walk away
filing a hang nail while blowing the hair off her face."
- John Missal

"Cobra Commander (just says it all, doesn't it?)"
- Tim Frankovich

"Cobra Avitar"
-Cobraavitar (cute, real cute -ed)

"- Storm Shadow ... Flows off the toungue like butter! errrrr maybe more like melted butter..... no no Ice Cream!! ..... Hmmmm forget I mentioned
any of those ..... but it flows off the toungue Storrrrm shadow ..... say it with me .....
storm shadow"
- G-pac

" I hate to admit it, but Duke. (short and sweet!)"
- Starduster

DESTRO : Storrrrrm Shadow....Storrrrrrrrrrrrrm Shadow, nope, doesn't
do anything for me......
HAWK : He's probably thankfull for that.....

The "Unicron" award for best non-toy character that deserves a toy!

1 - Admiral Ledger
1 - Female Cobra troops (Worlds without end et al)
1 - Mangler
2 - Billy
2 - Cool Breeze
2 - Horrorshow
2 - Scarface
3 - Dr. Venom
4 - Sparks

5 - Kwinn

"Cool Breeze...Dwayne Wayne finally did something with his life..."
- John Missal (Have it end? -ed)

"Jack Ryan"
- Tung (wrong question -ed)

"Kwinn! The mighty Kwinn!"
- Warflight

"Horrorshow (although I fervently wish he didn't qualify for this category)"
- Thomas Wheeler

DESTRO : Kwinn... I remember the guy....
HAWK : An honorable man....
DESTRO : I'm relieved nobody voted for Warflight.....

The " Thank goodness!" award for worst NON-toy character ever!

1 - Dr. Venom
1 - Jugglers
1 - Lt. Claymore
1 - Mr. C
1 - Sparks
1 - The White Clown
1 - Wolfgang
1 - Wong
2 - Bongo the balloon bear
3 - Big Lob

4 - Billy

"BILLY! The reason I stopped buying the comic!"
- Starduster

"Any Oktober Guards"
- Evilface

"Anything Cobra-La"
- Warflight

DESTRO : BILLY??? But he was such a nice kid......
HAWK : The tribe has spo.... Err... I mean, tuff luck....
DESTRO : Hmpf... Anyway, our time here is up, as this was our last award!
HAWK : Yup, it's been......interesting.... I'll be scooping mash out of my pants
for days..... Bye!

Destro and Hawk leave the stage, Cobra Commander re-enters, cautiously,
from the other side....

CC : Is he gone? Good. Now we come to the FINAL part of the 2000 FLAGGS,
folks! And in this section we celebrate the one thing that binds us all together,
the fandom itself! And here are your hosts : ..... Uhm.... Who's hosting this?
ANNOUNCER : We WERE gonna put the person here who won "favorite
character", but that's Snake Eyes.....Who doesn't talk.....
CC : Only in THIS fandom *sigh*... Couldn't he just use sign language?
ANNOUNCER : I have read a memo about that... Timmer said "I'm not writing
all that!".....
CC : So who ARE our hosts then?
ANNOUNCER : We decided to let the winners of "Who do you most wanna be
friends with?" and...Uhm... the "Oh THAT award" winner..... DESTRO and
SCARLETT !!
CC : Great..that egomaniac again......

Cue music : "Why can't we be friends?" as Destro and Scarlett come down the
stairs.....

DESTRO : Great to be here again so soon ! It's great that an arms dealer can
be let into the hearts of so many of you! Well, many of you..... OK, three of you....
SCARLETT : *worried* ye..ah.... It's great, like having my own ballroom full of
stalkers....
DESTRO : You like Stalker now?
SCARLETT : You KNOW what I mean....
DESTRO : Anyway, we are here, indeed, to celebrate the reason we are all
still here tonight! The fandom !
SCARLETT : So true ! And let's give out the first award!

The "FAN-tastic, geddit? huhuhu....." award for BEST GIJOE WEBPAGE !

1 - Airtight's Hostile Environment
2 - The Bivouac

24 - Yojoe.com

"Yojoe.com off course"
- General Hawk

"ummmm..let me think...oh yeah, yojoe.com : )"
- Joystick

"Yojoe.com"
- Eugene ( Eugene, Eugene, Eugene..*shakes head* -ed)

"yojoe.com DUH"
- Josh O

"yojoe.com (like I would say anything else!)"
- Warflight

DESTRO : We should have expected that.....
SCARLETT : That's not to say there aren't many EXCELLENT pages out
there, but come on, it's yojoe.com !
DESTRO : Every figure, every filecard, the Pit..... yeah....
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE : BUT WHERE'S THE PORN???
DESTRO : Moving hastely on.......

The "Net Name King" award for best screenname/nickname!

1 - EagleEyeJoe
1 - Omegawrath
1 - Sharpshot
1 - Straight-Edge
1 - Timmer
1 - Tunnel rat
1 - Winterhalt
3 - Evilface

10 - Warflight

"Warfl...er Smith"
- John Missal

"Warflight just sounds cool!"
- Josh O

"hmmmm...can't say 'Warflight' without pumping up my ego...Oh I know....
Timmer!" -Warflight (Thanks, man -ed)

"Warflight! (he should be made into a figure...)"
- Lord Maul (Oh brother...-ed)

And from the ego-trippers bin.....

"EVILFACE"
- Evilface

"Cobra Avitar"
- Cobraavitar

"EagleEyeJoe (OK, I'm biased)"
- Robert Culpepper

SCARLETT : His ego is going to expand exponentially, isn't it?
DESTRO : I'm afraid so......
SCARLETT : Still, there's probably a good reason he won....
DESTRO : Like bribing 10 people?
SCARLETT : Yeah.....

The "Spielberg" award for best fanfic/dio story


1 - GIJ (Rod Hanna)
1 - Onslaught (J.M. Metalhead)
1 - Renovating the Terror Drome with Tollbooth (Warflight)
1 - Straight-Edge's (??-ed)
2 - G.I. Joe : Warfare (? Destro? -ed)
3 - The Price of Peace (General Hawk)

10 - Iconoclasts (Tim Frankovich)

"It would be impolite to vote for my own, so...Rod Hanna's GIJ."
- Tim Frankovich (heh....check the previous award -ed)

SCARLETT : A clear victory....
DESTRO : Yes... He's working on a sequel, you know.....
SCARLETT : Really, well, then this must put tremendous pressure on him.
DESTRO : Indeed....

Destro and Scarlett stare at TimElf for a few moments. He shifts uncomfortably
in his chair....

SCARLETT : ANYWAY.....

The "Hasbro, MAKE THIS !" award for best custom figure !

1 - Battle Ranger Footloose cast from prototype figure (John Missal)
1 - Daina (Corey Stinson)
1 - Killfile (various)
1 - Salvage (Aaron)
1 - Scofflaw (Camper)
1 - Shockwave (Evilface)
1 - Sky Patrol Snake-Eyes (A.D. Thompson)
1 - Stalker (Straight-Edge)
1 - Tactic-Viper (Tim Frankovich)
1 - Tigershark (General Hawk)

4 - Too many to choose

"Anything by Brian Holst"
- Eugene

"Almost anything by Evilface"
- Marvlos, Warflight

"Mine : ) : ) (you haven't seen him)"
- Lord Maul (THAT is no help -ed)

DESTRO : We are making a BIG exception here, but "too many to choose"
wins it this year!
SCARLETT : That does seem the most fair thing to do.
DESTRO : Timmer will have to do some thinking for next year....
SCARLETT : And the winner for the next award will get a kiss from me!

The "What a nice guy" award for most helpfull, cool fan!

1 - Airtight (David Kurdirka)
1 - Dan Carber
1 - John Missal
1 - Joystick
1 - Viper
2 - Thomas Wheeler
3 - Eugene
3 - Timmer

9 - Warflight

"For me, the most helpfull has been Timmer. He helped me fill the biggest gap
in my collection, the European Exclusive stuff."
- John Missal (ego....swelling...-ed)

"Can't list this one - too many to name"
- Dzirhan (Then just vote for me! *kidding* -ed)

"Warflight is easely the most helpful and coolest fan. He always makes people
feel welcome; helps diffuse stuations, and helps people out."
- Joystick (Speaking of egos that will be swelling -ed)

SCARLETT : Dear God... I retract my previous statement.....
DESTRO : I don't blame you.....
SCARLETT : He's gonna be insufferable on the Pit for the next few days,
isn't he?
DESTRO : Yup....

The "Read it, loved it, bought the T-shirt" award for favorite thread of the year!

1 - Figure/vehicle of the week
1 - Project 95
1 - The first rank thread
3 - Joe election

12 - New Joes! (news/arrive)

SCARLETT : The Joe relaunch !!
DESTRO : Leading to "2001 : A Joe Oddesy" I hope !
SCARLETT : And when do we get to reappear??
DESTRO : No comment......

The "Delete the message, HAL" award for least favorite thread!

1 - confederate flag
1 - Dungeons & Dragons OT
1 - Extreme
1 - Insulting paramedics
1 - The Louis Colli episode
1 - "Omegawrath has been banned"
1 - Presidents

3 - Paintwipes discussion
3 - Political threads

"Killing Joe elections"
- Tung (that wasn't a thread -ed)

"People bashing my beloved "election" thread : )"
- Lord Maul (Hawk won -ed)

SCARLETT : Looks like the Judges can't go home yet!
DESTRO : What do you say, people?

JUDGE JUDY : Ugh... Politics.....
HAWK : Yeah, at least paintwipes were on topic !

DESTRO : And the Winner is..... Political threads !
SCARLETT : And, closely related......

The "Will it never end??" award for thread that wouldn't die !

1 - 2000 Joes
1 - Beer/weather
1 - Bringing Joe back
1 - "Counting the stars on the flag"
1 - Confederate flag
1 - Manimals
1 - Politics
1 - Presidents
1 - Snake Eyes Vs. Storm Shadow
1 - Snake Eyes, was he overused?
1 - True leader of GIJoe : Hawk or Duke?
1 - "Unsubscribe"
2 - Paramedics thread

6 - Paintwipes

"Paintwipes (I still have a headache)"
- Viper

"Unsubscribe"
- Fastdraw (hehehe -ed)

"The whole Beer/Weather one...damn that Warflight guy for starting that one...."
- Smith

DESTRO : Uhmmmm.....
SCARLETT : The least said the better....

The "DA HELL?" award for weirdest Joe-related thing seen online !

1 - Bart Simpson/Storm Shadow custom
1 - Best & worst dressed Joes
1 - Cobra Commander "prototype"
1 - Joe bra and panties set
1 - Manimals
1 - Post with link to Candy Apple, model
1 - Warflight's dio-tips
3 - Joe-lympics

7 - G.I.Joe porn

"Some Joe porno that scarred me for life"
- General Hawk

" I once saw a highly pornographic yet oddly well-written fanfic somewhere
online. DirTAY !"
- Corey Stinson (All of you, how about some LINKS?? -ed)

SCARLETT : Like I said.... a theatre full of Stalkers.....
DESTRO : I'm afraid I'd have to agree with you....
SCARLETT : Oh well..... Hey, you know what? We are down to the very last
award of the evening!
DESTRO : So soon?
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE : SOON?????
SCARLETT : Yes, so here it is!

The "Last" award for most controversial thread/issue this year!

2 - Manimals
3 - Politics
6 - Elections

8 - Paintwipes

"Warfl....er Smith and his Football Stick Vipers, the grudge against some
guy in a fictious country of Belgium and his Joe inspection"
- John Missal

DESTRO : Least said....
SCARLETT : The better?
DESTRO : Right....
SCARLETT : So much for my part in this; people, we are at the end!

Cobra Commander re-enters the stage, wearing his cape all of a sudden.

CC : Please, friends, remain on stage!
DESTRO & SCARLETT : "Friends"????
CC : Now that we are at the end of the show, let's have all hosts join us!

Duke, Hawk, Covergirl, Shipwreck, Sparks, Greenshirt, Mercer, Baroness,
Spiderman, Zartan and Prowl enter the stage from various directions.
(Hawk is still covered in potatoe mash)

All line up and take a bow.

CC : Hope you enjoyed the show, Ladies and gentlemen, and with any luck,
we'll be here again next year, with more Joes, more categories, and more
mayhem !
DESTRO *whispering* : Should we untie Timmer now?
CC : Silence, you fool !

Lights go out !

__________________________________________________

Created by Tim Timmermans. No portions of this document may be
reproduced without giving credit, and asking first would be nice too!

It should also be noted that I asked, and recieved,
permission from Robert Jung, creator of the Trannies,
to use that award show as a template for creating the
FLAGGS. None of this would have been possible without
him !

Disclaimer : GIJOE, Cobra, and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro, all others are property of their respective owners. These have been used for satire and research, and if you sue, I'll cry like a little girl....

GIJOE and Cobra are Hasbro trademarks